biting my tongue....suggestions?

[Byren]

Hiya,

I'm still in the proverbial closet, and on my therapist's recommendation haven't told my mother anything yet. (my doc recommended waiting until I had a 'real life' support group.)
My situation at the moment is I'm living with my mother because we are both in rather dire financial straits. If it wasn't for her boyfriend's generosity, we wouldn't be able to make the house payment.

For the most part I don't mind living with my mother again, except here's the issue: lately she's been on a kick about me 'looking nice.' Never in my life have I ever worn makeup or done anything beyond a brushing with my hair (except when my little sister and mother team up to give me a 'makeover'....*shiver* the things you do for family...). She keeps talking about how we need to change if we want to turn our lives around. Problem is, she wants me to change to look like a lady...and I, of course, want to look like a guy. Gah!

Any suggestions? The issue keeps coming up, and she keeps asking me why I don't want to look 'pretty.' I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying 'because guys aren't supposed to be pretty!' and blowing myself out of the water.

Any input would be greeted with much enthusiasm and gratefulness!

[Osiris]

I had a coworker who didn't wear makeup or really try to doll up, she said to me "I want to find someone who likes me for me. Why would I put on a mask to try and do that?"

Of course you're in a different situation but you can say something along those lines, you don't even need to say you're a guy or lie. Just say makeup/really feminine clothing doesn't appeal to you and you'll rock your own style because that's who you are and you want people to see that.

[casorce]

Look for a compromise or simply tough it out until you get a place of your own.

[fluffy jorgen]

Natural beauty- nothing can beat it.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Try to look handsome, instead? Maybe she'll just settle for the fact that you look good, period. Regardless of gender. I'm a very blunt person myself and can't deal with being called a 'she' by anybody who doesn't know, so I always say something. But that took awhile to get up the balls to do and came when I couldn't take it anymore. Personally, I'd just spill the beans. But that's me.

[brainiac]

(except when my little sister and mother team up to give me a 'makeover'....*shiver* the things you do for family...)

My mother and younger sister have always done this to me, along with giving me messages that if I didn't look feminine enough, people wouldn't view me positively. My mother would criticize me whenever I wore more masculine clothes and obviously would only praise me about my appearance if I looked feminine. I haven't come out to my family yet, and just this past weekend at Easter dinner, my mother was bragging about the makeover they gave me for my high school prom-- she seemed to realize I hated going shopping and picking out dresses, but for some reason this doesn't register to her as torment for me. Through my teenage years I caved in to her criticism and forced myself to dress and wear makeup in a more feminine way. I did it so that she would leave me alone, and because I'd started to believe what she was saying (but only about myself! it was okay for others to dress how they wanted) and went through a lot of denial about my trans feelings.

But... I'm recovering now. I'm on the road to coming out in the next few months, and at this point, I feel like I'm just going to have to tell her the truth, and that's what I want to do, no matter how hard it is. I think part of the problem with my mom at least is that she views me dressing masculinely as being lazy and not putting effort into my appearance, not that I'm deliberately choosing to look this way because I like it. Maybe that's what you can tell your mother if you aren't ready to come out yet: that this is the way you want to look, and it's your choice.

[Farm Boy]

Can you tell her that makeup and girly things just don't appeal to you?  There are plenty of girls who are happy to be girls but just don't care for all the "girly crap" as I like to call it.   (No offense to anyone who likes it, it's just not for me!)  At least, that's what I've always told people, and they haven't given me too much trouble about it. 

I've also brought up the "I want people to see me for me and not a painted face" reason too.  I do honestly believe that though.  I think far too many girls think they have to look like a supermodel to be presentable in public, and that makes me sad.  Why can't we all just be ourselves?

My mother and younger sister have always done this to me, along with giving me messages that if I didn't look feminine enough, people wouldn't view me positively.

Brainiac, I've gotten that one too from my peers, and it just makes me weep for society and the future.  I'm sorry you get it from your family. 

[Cindy]

I hope this isn't offensive, it is not meant to be. Other TG-guys have told me on posts here that it is easier for them to transition as 'girls' can present anyway they want in society and be accepted. While a MtF  6' 5" line backer in a mini and heels will probably be safe  but would not prevent being looked at as 'odd'.
Why don't you, for now, just say you do not like the feminine look, that you prefer to present how you feel and not some 'pretty lady'. Jeans, T-s etc are your kick not dresses and skirts. You don't like the feel of make up and really don't think it enhances your image. I know it may sound like playing the female pitch with your mother but sometimes 'white-lies' are needed. If you have longish hair put it in a low pony tail as other guys do. Don't put it into the perky, girly one ( wish I could), there are lots of ways to slowly tone the image down so that you end up presenting rather gender neutral. Also VERY important, be happy. If your mum and her BF see you as a happy content person they will let things go. If you present as sullen and upset they will start thinking the obvious stuff eg: Oh daughter is unhappy; she must not be feeling attractive, she can't find a boyfriend, let's get her some nice feminine clothes to help her, we can even book her in for a makeover; she'll be happy then. DUHH, yep folks that is how parents think, You are to your Mum still her daughter, she regards you as female, she, being female, is responding in the only way she is programmed. I will help my daughter through this difficult time, after all WE know what teenagers are like.

The truth is illogical to her, so my suggestion is to take it slowly and plan. Accepting her non-acceptance may sound down right dumb, but in your situation it may make sense.

Hugs
Cindy