I'm Afraid

[Megan]

I'm sorry for making quite a few of threads lately, this week, and I know it's all a mess because I said things from "I am fine to be a guy" to things "I want to be a woman", to "I want to be a feminine guy". I cried a day or so ago, that I should had been born a girl, then I decide that I would be better off just living a guy life. Then now I am really sure I am a woman, but I am afraid of leaving this territory.

It was last February when it first came to my attention that I wanted to be a woman, and I was at a hotel using their internet when I was fighting with my mother about how weird I am about everything.   I was up all through the morning on Susans, and I wish I took action then since then I didn't have any beard growth but now I have some stubble there, and I didn't had a smell then either. Other than that though I haven't change, but I know I will eventually.

But I would give up this body in a heart beat if I could become a GG, and I am afraid that if I transition than I will never find love in this world. I also afraid of my family rejecting me, my mother hating herself more, people considering me as a freak of nature like I belong on Jerry Springer, and the whole world just hating me. So I consider a lesser version of this, as a feminine gay guy, who would be accepted somewhat by mainstream rather than be completely rejected. I could find love easier this way too, and my family wouldn't be too disturbed by it.

But then I think down the road, that really this isn't what I want either, since I want to be loved like a woman. I want to be accepted as a woman, and I have no clue how they are accepted differently than men, but whatever they have I want.

But I am unsure if I should transition since what if I make a huge huge mistake? That I could had been better off as a guy, and live a more fulfilled life that way. Although, I can't really even see a life if I continue to live this one. I have 80 years more or less, and I want a majority of that to be a woman, 20 years are already wasted (since I would be transitioning from 19 to 20). Then I could still enjoy my 20s,30s,.....

I even thought of suicide yesterday, and that was drawing the line too far, since I hardly think that much. It was like, "What if I died, what would my mother feel like? Will I be born into a new body (reincarnation), Will I go to heaven?" I do not want to ever think that again, and that's when I decided to be a guy again

I can't even look at average GGs, and not be jealous.... I am either making a delusional happiness that my life is fine, or crying wishing, or thinking and calculating about a fantasy life as a famous person.

But what I want the most in life is someone to love me.

I want the money to transition right now, since if I had 100k I would use at least half of it for plastic surgery.

[rejennyrated]

Right  - Look one step at a time.

We ALL worry about those things at the outset. Sad fact is there are no guarrantees with anything in life. The best you can do is try things cautiously and then, after you have given it long enough to try it properly, if it doesn't work out and isn't helping you, then simply stop doing it.

You worry about finding love. There are hundreds and thousands of us who have done this worldwide now. Most of us find love in some way or form. Not all do... but then not all people who don't transition find love. Just look at the number of lonely hearts out there. So transition is NOT a barrier to finding love.

You worry about whether it is right for you. Fact is you will never know until you do two things 1. somehow get some professional help - in the UK that is via a GP referring you to a specialist, elsewhere it may involve going to see a counselor. 2. you need to give yourself permission to TRY.

The only I know for certain is that even though these feelings may seem to come and go a bit, the truth is that is only because you are fighting them and repressing them, whether subconsciously or consciously. Either way - the fact is THEY WILL ALWAYS come back until you deal with them in some way... and dealing with them doesn't mean posting threads on here. Dealing with them means taking some solid real world actions like finding a counselor or GP who can help you.

The bottom line is the people on here are all willing to give you as much support as you need, and you should never be apologising for starting threads when you need help. But ultimately it is the actions you take that will make the difference between going around in circles and making progress.

You simply can not steer a vehicle that is not making progress.

So take heart. You aren't alone. We are here to support you. But please, if you do nothing else today, start to take action to find your solution, whatever it may be.

[Megan]

You're right, it's like I am given a ton of solutions to do what I should do, but I do nothing about them but just sit back and do nothing.  Well, I am going to find an action to do what I want in life, since I am going to be just wasting more time doing nothing.

I have to start, this is just too much of going back and forth like a hamster on a wheel.

Now how do I give myself permission to try? I do not want to be here at Susans in 2-10 years from now, and looking back and say that I wasted those years of my life. That I for sure know will happen if I sit and wait, and by then I would even be in a worse position then I am now because I will have a professional career as  a male, perhaps a few bad love relationships, siblings living their adult lives (since they are younger then me), and my mother would even be older....

[rejennyrated]

Good for you.

I would suggest, as a first step, you find someone professional to talk to... your GP or doctor if you are UK based, or probably a counsellor of some sort if you live elsewhere. But if you go to a counsellor make sure they are trained in gender and sexuality work - Most UK GP's actually do thankfully. It's not much help going to see someone who doesn't understand and has no experience with the issue.

And let us know how you get on... Good Luck

[spacial]

Megan.

You find love when you stop looking for it.

That is my experience.

That is the experience of so many others.

You work on your relationships, on your appearance and personality. Gradually, people get to know you and decide what sort of person you are.

Gradually, you get to know yourself and what you can and cannot do, what sort of people you can deal with and most importanly, how to recognise what sort of people you are dealing with.

Love just happens.

And it does. Because as Jenny says, everyone is looking for love. Since that love is found with another person also looking for it, it becomes obvious that it will happen.

But only after you have found, and learn to love yourself.

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Megan

Like Jenny has already said, please consider getting yourself to a therapist qualified in gender identity issues.  A few months with them helping to sort out whats going on in your head would probably be very good for you as your thoughts seems to be all over the place.  A few months in the scheme of your life is a small price to pay i think.

Just my thoughts..

Hugs
Shelly

[Miniar]

It's alright to be afraid.
And it's alright to wait until you are ready, as long as you can remember that later. That you weren't ready.

A therapist is a good idea, someone with whom you can just talk it out with and work out what it is that is "right" for you.

[Metamorph]

Dont beat yourself up over doubts - theyre natural. It sounds to me that your in a similar place to what I was some years ago. You care so much for those around you that you dont want to burden them with your own troubles too. Problem is as Jenny said - the feelings always come back. Im 25 now and feel like I wasted time but I havent because in that time Ive learnt to accept myself fully.
Get a therapist, I assure you it will feel good to blow off some steam to a real person and you wont regret it after getting over your initial fears.

[cynthialee]

Gender Dysphoria ebbs and flows. Each time it comes back it hurts more than the last time. Any late in life transperson will tell you that is fact. I know very well the feeling that I should remain a man for a myriad of reasons. In the end they all came crumbling down in a total nervous breakdown. Literaly, transition or die.
You do not want to go that road. If you are this upset at 20, what is it going to be like when the dysphoria rears its head again in a few years?
You should not fall in love with a gay guy and then turn into a woman on him, that isnt very fair.
As to suicide....reincarnation, not only do I believe it, as far as I am concerned has been proven well enough. I know deep in my soul that if I do not deal with gender dysphoria this lifetime I will have to repete the patern of failure next life. Not a good prospect. 1 life time is enough of this pain.
Like the others have said. Get to a gender therapist.
good luck and best wishes

[Megan]

Gender Dysphoria ebbs and flows. Each time it comes back it hurts more than the last time. Any late in life transperson will tell you that is fact. I know very well the feeling that I should remain a man for a myriad of reasons. In the end they all came crumbling down in a total nervous breakdown. Literaly, transition or die.
You do not want to go that road. If you are this upset at 20, what is it going to be like when the dysphoria rears its head again in a few years?
You should not fall in love with a gay guy and then turn into a woman on him, that isnt very fair.
As to suicide....reincarnation, not only do I believe it, as far as I am concerned has been proven well enough. I know deep in my soul that if I do not deal with gender dysphoria this lifetime I will have to repete the patern of failure next life. Not a good prospect. 1 life time is enough of this pain.
Like the others have said. Get to a gender therapist.
good luck and best wishes

Well I believe in it too, since it's the only thing that has some proof in it. Well I can't say anything about since it's really the unknown, but I sometimes think I might come out with a better life next time around... or maybe worse like not even having modern technology on my time. That would be tragic.

[K8]

Megan,
As the others have said, what you describe is perfectly normal - being afraid, having doubts, worrying.  Find someone who you can talk to about these things and who can help you sort it out and decide what is best for you.

GID will keep returning until you deal with it.  You will deal with it when you are ready.  If you aren't ready now, you will be ready later.  There is no timeline, despite the changes that are occurring in your body.

I tried pretending to be a gay man - a double deception since I wasn't a man and wasn't gay.  Didn't work very well.  I wouldn't advise that.

I, too, worried about becoming a freak and being rejected by everyone, but I got to the point where I didn't care anymore.  It is better to work positively toward becoming who you need to be than to force yourself into denial until it all explodes on you. 

Seek out someone who can help you.  There are a few idiots, but there are many helpful people.  Many (most?) of us have been through what you are going through.  It's scary, but you are intelligent and strong and can make it through this.

- Kate

[Dana_W]

Gender Dysphoria ebbs and flows. Each time it comes back it hurts more than the last time. Any late in life transperson will tell you that is fact. I know very well the feeling that I should remain a man for a myriad of reasons. In the end they all came crumbling down in a total nervous breakdown. Literaly, transition or die.
You do not want to go that road.

Triple plus seconding of cythialee's point here. I almost lost my life over the attempt to rationalize remaining as a man. It's no way to live, and it's just not nearly as rewarding as your rational mind might imagine. It's the life of a square peg trying to jam its way into a round hole. You don't fit. You just bang into the sides over and over until you're utterly exhausted. Meanwhile you've battered yourself to such a degree you're misshapen, so it's pretty hard to fit into any hole at all.

Like others I strongly recommend finding a good therapist before committing to anything permanent in the immediate future. The transition part of your life is something you need to understand how to live out too. That very understanding may put your mind more at ease over the idea. I know it helped me a lot.

[El]

I alwys had doubts and stuff till that first time i went out into the scary outside world without my "boy mode" disguise and i realised what i had to do, sure its scary but in my case at least people react worse in my mind (hell ive even found a nice guy willing to take me out for a coffee 3 months into my transition) so you just have to do whatever it takes to be happy.

You should go to the GP though, gender specialists arent just there to be gatekeepers to hormones and surgery, they can help you know yourself more and help you figure out what YOU really want.

Oh and btw you dont look like you need 50 ks worth of plastic surgery, IMHO you would look better without all that crap, your young, see what hormones (from the doctors!) do before you resign yourself to surgery, you will probably look really pretty as a young woman

[Tippe]

Hello Megan,

I've just read your post and I remember my own situation ten years ago. When I was seventeen I actually raised my hand in English class during a discussion about a book with a girl in an all-girls school and told my peers that I wished to be in such a school, because I felt I'd belong there. Around that time I also decidedly opened the main door on my mother in female attire for the first time and later I even told her I'd prefer an education as a nurse, which is in my country considered almost strictly female. She offered to pay the shrink visits if I'd choose to shred my feminine identity and I was ridiculed back in line.

With 2-3 persons allowed to transition pr. year in my country I didn't think of it as a realistic possibility at the time and I didn't have the personal clarification to go through with it at that time. Ten years, and an entire education later I've finally decided to transition and am almost fulltime on the third year now. Since I consider myself a queer feminist I still have doubts about how many bodily changes I require, however I've underwent an extreme personal and social development during those years since I started transition and today my main regret is that I didn't seek counseling ten years ago.

Because I didn't do it I now will have a little worse physical outcome, I spent four years on an education, which to some degree puts me in a masculine light if I tell about it and makes employers wonder what I did in those years if I don't, I now don't get any student's allowance to complete nursing school, I spent ten years too much in almost total social isolation and I have taken up habbits and perspectives, which makes my social integration a little more difficult than if I'd joined the girls ten years earlier.

As for my family two years after I went fulltime they started to do a good job trying to be supportive even to the point of giving me jewelry and clothes and advice on feminine behaviour.

For this reason I deerly advice you to seek counseling and start working out what your dreams contain regarding education, job, leizure activities and family future. Do not be embarrased to seek contact with a lot of differently gendered people i.e. through LGBT support groups and to do a lot of experimentable gender play. Your happiness is too important to throw it away because of wanting to please your relatives. In the end you'll probably find they wish you to be happy above anything else although they may not understand you at first.

Don't horry your discovery, but do get started working on it. Leaving gender trouble alone without confronting and working on them does not solve them and will only leave you worse off later.


Best wishes
Tippe