Stealth?

[Ryan]

I know a couple of transguys who say that they'd never want to go stealth.

I don't understand that at all, so:
If you could be stealth with no questions, would you? And why?

[LordKAT]

That is one giant if.


but if I could, I would.


Why share a shameful and painful past that gains you nothing you would rather not deal with.

[Ryan]

Exactly, that's what I don't get. Why would anyone not want to be stealth?

[Osiris]

No. I feel to be stealth I'd have to deny some of my past as I was brought up as a girl and went through some stuff while living as a girl. I'm not ashamed of my past. Though that being said I don't want to be the token ->-bleeped-<- or anything either. So for me it's about being open but not wearing a sign around my neck saying FTM HERE!

[LordKAT]

Osirus,

That is why I said it was one giant if, among other reasons that it wouldn't work.

[cynthialee]

True stealth is a pipe dream.
One can have a realative semblance of stealth but someone will always find out.
Online records insure it.

[icontact]

I am stealth, and although it makes life much easier, it sure makes you wonder how many friends you'd have if they knew the truth. I usually end up telling my very close friends because I need their support with it sometimes and it feels like I'm hiding something after a while.

I also wish my love interests already magically knew. It stresses me out so much to worry about when to tell them, and I feel so much more comfortable if I am pursuing someone who already knows.

[Adio]

I consider myself somewhat stealth (friends from before know, teachers/administers know, certain classmates know, rest of the class doesn't, nurses I do clinicals with don't, most people I know casually don't know). 

Whether I continue to stay stealth after I'm legally male and have graduated and have a job, that will depend on where I live.  If I stay in my home state, I'll most likely be out because of the lack of resources and networking here for GLBT folks.  If I move, I will probably go stealth and identify as an trans ally.

Either way, I'll still be involved in the community and will not be "deep stealth."  I plan on telling my partner(s) and possibly close friends.

[kestin]

The only way it could really happen is if the lower surgeries made something that looked and worked exactly like the real thing. At least in my mind.

I can't be stealth because being queer and trans are parts of me that I'm proud to be. I facilitate a trans youth group, I talk on panels, if you search my name, the third thing that comes up is an article about me being trans on gaynz! lol I go out to schools and help give talks on sexuality and gender identity to -students in the greater Auckland area

I'm out because we need visibility and I enjoy educating.

I certainly don't have any problem with those who are or plan to be stealth however I just can't do it. Too often I'd end up mentioning something that just sounds odd if I don't add, "oh, yeah I was born a girl" or something to that effect.

[myles]

At my work no one knows about my past. I am completely stealth there, but only there. Since I transitioned at a later age it makes it very hard to change my past all the time. Some of the things I have done would not have happened if I did not have a past as a female. It can be draining at times trying to change things on the fly, but it is what it is. The older you are when you transition and the more of your past  you have to change the harder it is.
My opinion.
Myles

[sneakersjay]

I'm as stealth as I can be, and only out myself if necessary.  Can I say for sure nobody will ever out me?  No.  Do I expect that no one can find out about me?  No.  Realistically I'm as stealth as I can be, but I, unlike Myles, am out at work, though not sure if all of the newbies know, so I've stopped talking about stuff there, and I'm out to family and friends who need to know.  I have 'reintroduced' myself to people I don't wish to out myself to.  I just pretend I don't know them and start over.  Much easier, esp. if there was no connection there other than acquaintance.

Case in point: former client from when i had a business.  She works at a local office that I go to infrequently.  I ran into her there at the start of my transition (hair cut, androgynous clothing), but as time went on and I went very infrequently, she no longer recognizes me at all.  If I had to speak to her (haven't had to, but she's glanced at me with zero recognition, and we used to be really chatty!) I'd not out myself.  No point, really.

Jay

[Teknoir]

Hell yeah I'd go stealth.

I try to go as stealth as possible now. I out myself to medical professionals, and people that deal with my legal paperwork, but beyond that I keep quiet.

I do it because I don't want people to get the wrong ideas about me, not because I'm running from my past.

If people find out I'm trans, they're going to stop seeing me as a man. I'll become somehow less than a man, something different. That's not who or what I am.

I leave out some details of my past because it allows people to see me for who I am. For me, it's the most honest way I can conduct myself. I am happy being judged and held to the same standards as other men.

Though that said, I don't change my behaviour to facilitate being stealth. I am happiest being known as a slightly eccentric man .

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Yes. And no. I have a feeling some people only talk to me or like me cause I'm trans, and I'd like to see who those people are.


I'm stealth now, or try to be. Hard when you have to give your legal name at the doctor's office, and your gender marker isn't changed yet. So it usually fails when it comes to that. Plus some people still read me. 

I intend on being fully stealth in the future, when I have my surgery, change my name and gender marker, and get on T. I will probably always have to deal with being not stealth where I perform at, but that's fine with me. It's a gay bar ffs.

[Miniar]

"shameful" is the thing...

I don't think my past is "shameful".

I do not feel ashamed of how I was born.
I do not feel ashamed of the work I have to do in order to get from "F" to "M" legally and physically.

I actually take a small measure of pride in having the proverbial balls to be myself regardless of these things.

I do find it enjoyable though, when I pass without question.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

^^See, I'm instantly ashamed when I have to admit my past. Cause that F....makes me want to seriously hurt myself. I'd rather erase it and start over.

[Miniar]

But, why?
What makes it something to be ashamed of?
It's not like any one of us can choose what we're born with.

[sneakersjay]

I'm not ashamed that I'm trans.  But I personally don't like to be reminded that I was forced to live the first part of my life in the wrong body.  And now that people finally see me as me, as male, I do NOT want them looking at me sideways thinking, hey, he USED TO BE A WOMAN!! 

Bleh.


Jay

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I know but...I still hate my body. I'm ashamed cause I'm so male in my personality that I can't stand my body in ways I can't even describe. I know we can't control it but I guess I have such a hatred for it that I can't possibly bring myself to be proud of it.

[Ryan]

Teknoir just summed up my reasons for being stealth right there.

I also find that although I'm not ashamed of my past, thinking about it sucks. I accept my past, but it's something that I'd rather not be associated with anymore.

[TheCG]

I have to agree with the "stealth never lasts" statement.

If even one person knows your past history, no matter how close to you they are right now, it will all eventually come to bear.

Kinda reminds me of the old saying, "Two people can keep a secret....... as long as one of them is dead."

I have lived totally stealth for the past 20 years with only my wife knowing my past. She knew from the very beginning about my transition as I had been living full time for over 10 years when we first met. Now that we are in the midst of a nasty divorce, she seems to decide to "tell all" to everyone with her, of course, being in the dark about it all the time. This makes her look like a big time victim and me being nothing short of pure evil.

Tell me, people, do you really think it possible to live with someone for almost 20 years and not know?