I'm going to try and tell you some stuff straight-up.
I've worked around rock bands for over 40 years now, including extensive work with one whose name is synonymous with massive drug use and abuse. I've seen everybody around me do about every drug that ever existed. And, I've done just about every drug their is (except crack, though I did freebase once, so that's close). I've never seen them do people much good, but the down-side is not near as bad that the critics would have you think except for the white-powder ones (meth, coke, smack). And in all that drug soaked existence every single person I've ever known who has ruined their life with drugs, or somehow had drugs kill them did it with alcohol.*
Let me repeat that, because it's real important.
every single person I've ever known who has ruined their life with drugs . . . did it with alcohol
I've both been in and worked with large crowds of people, say 2,000 and up who were all (say 60-80%+) pretty much on the same drugs. Pot/weed (most Dead shows, Cyprus Hill, any Rasta show), LSD (some of the old, back-in-the-day >-bleeped-< where everyone got dosed walking in), New Wave stuff back in the 80s where everyone in the club had a spoon around their neck and a vile of 'some really dynamite >-bleeped-< that's pure Bolivian Flake man, and even tweekers as I bet 70% of the ICPs crowd was on meth - lots of it. For weeks, months, perhaps years... - and NO bunch of people are harder to handle than a bunch of drunks. Singularly, or collectively. Ask any bartender, cocktail waitress, club worker.
Because, alcohol is the self-indulgent, very lazy drug that opens up all the gateways to your inner >-bleeped-< and let's them all rule the roost.
That why out of all the drugs I bet its harder to quite drinking then just about anything short of heroin addiction or smoking. It's because the very first thing drinking does (and not that it's always a bad thing but...) is render the advice and help of other people useless. And, so long as you're drunk you pretty much are never going to give much thought - other than self pity - to the idea that you might even need help.
So, you wind up kinda (and hell, you're what, 24, >-bleeped-< didn't take long did it?) on a nine mile skid on a ten mile ride.
And, going by what you said, I'm thinking your drinking alone, at home and that's the E Ticket on the highway to hell. >-bleeped-<, if you have/or are:
using alcohol most of the time,
not going to collage anymore,
don't go do work,
don't care,
and wish i could just kill myself,
then you are more than a couple of exits along that road as it is. In the fast lane. Pedal to the Metal. Like Thelma and Louise. And if you drive like lightening, you crash like thunder.
Of course you are alone. Of almost all the types of various human degeneracy drunks are about the most miserable to put up with. They smell bad (not helped by a general lack of simple hygiene), but the drug itself makes people smell bad. They are alternating belligerent and melancholy, about the two worse personal attributes that anyone can choose to model. Drunks always end and die alone because no one else - and by that point, even other drunks - can stand them anymore.
Your friends can't help you. Your family can't help you. What you have is a medical problem - because drugs are all about the mind/body deal - and you should seek medical help - a doctor or a therapist person to help you with those parts of it. You also need to work out the social issues that both drove the drinking and resulted from it. For that you pretty much need other drunks. So AA might help. A lot.
Because the one thing that they know - that only a few of us know is that drugs - no matter which one you find - are frickin' great. Awesome stuff. Incredibility powerful in very minute doses some of them. And they work, they work like few other things in life do, and that's as advertised! Alcohol is a pain killer and for physical pain it's pretty darn good, but for psyche pain, it's awesome. So your going to have to find out what the source of that pain is and deal with it. Once you do that alcohol will lose its power over you.
* - I do have one close industry guy who 'died from heroin' but in reality it wasn't the smack so much as it was that 30 years of smack addiction = 30 years of never doing anything more strenuous than playing guitar while eating a steady diet of chili-cheese dogs and Häagen-Dazs and his arteries basically turned to cement and he had a couple of strokes then a massive heart attack.
