Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R.A.P.E.D. can apply to Congress to be considered for the S.H.A.F.T. program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. and S.H.A.F.T.E.D. will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.H.A.F.T.E.D. twice and S.C.R.E.W.E.D. as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. could get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have A.I.D.S. or H.E.R.P.E.S. will not be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. any further by Congress.
Persons who are not R.A.P.E.D. and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
