As others here have said, it would be a really good idea for you to seek a therapist - preferably a gender therapist. I'm not going to comment on the state of your gender identity, because it's not easy to tell from your post; I don't know whether you're simply curious, or if you're really intensely transsexual but are afraid of the potential consequences. Either way it doesn't really matter, I suppose.
The thing is, if you want to maintain your sexual function and be 'active' rather than 'passive' then I really don't think you should be taking hormones. After a year I have absolutely no ability to penetrate any more, although I never really enjoyed that anyway. So if you're sexually passive, then HRT may work for you, from a sexual perspective. For the first 6 months my sexual desire was NIL. And then I started injectables and Androcur, and now all I can think of is being with cute men, but not just sexually, but cuddling and being really intimate. That surprised me, because Androcur is supposed to completely destroy sexual desire.
Is it possible to take hormones and still appear male? I would say it is possible. After a year I still have no problem presenting as male, although if I let my hair down in public rather than hiding it with a cap, and wear my male clothes, I do get a few stares. The way you dress and present yourself makes a huge difference to how people perceive you, I think. There's a girl on youtube - candifla - who used to do voice tutorials, and in those tutorials she routinely switches from a sonorous, manly voice, to a demure female voice at the drop of a hat. I swear to you, when she speaks in her female voice she LOOKS female. But when she speaks in her male voice in my mind she suddenly LOOKS male. So hormones aren't necessarily everything.
My breasts have grown, but not to the point where I can't hide them with a shirt. However, I wouldn't go to the beach without a shirt on now. If you enjoy the beach, and don't want to walk around topless with perky little tits peeking out, then don't start HRT. You will be able to hide your breast development unless you are very lucky like my friend who developed full, non-tubular C cups after 1.5 years on hrt (lucky b*tch!) while I am still miniature A's after 1 year, but then again I do restrict my calories quite a bit. So if you are desperate to go on hrt and want to hide your boobs, chances are a) you won't grow big ones anyway b) you can control their size to a certain extent by how you eat c) you can hide them with baggier clothes and jackets.
I think a lot of people take HRT without actually transitioning. I actually thought about this as well, but those thoughts for me came from a place of fear of going full time and being teased and judged, rather than any kind of peace brought on by hrt. I want to go full time, but don't feel ready - I need to work up the confidence. Others may never want to go full time, and just be happy having a feminine body and mind. Everybody has their own motivations, and if those motivations aren't about penetrative sex, then I believe it's okay to go go on hrt. If the motivation is to become feminine and to fulfil a fantasy sexual lifestyle involving penetrative sex, or any sex for that matter, then for your own sake you should avoid hrt like the plague, since there is a great chance that you will lose your sexual function and desire. When I started I knew this, and was prepared to never ever want to have sex again, so I am quite deligthed with how things have turned out for me in this regard.
Good luck with whatever path you choose!
