Yeah, ppl judge, which sux.
I think it would also be hard to deal with the conflict of wanting others to see who as you are, inside, emotionally, and psychologically, but you feel as if you can't -- you almost feel like you're living as a lie.
You're LDS, right? Coming from that background myself, I can understand how difficult it is. I went on a mission and while there I also went though a program to "over come" my transgender issues. In the end, it didn't work (I tried committing suicide instead). So, I understand the conflict. In time, I transitioned and no longer have GID feelings as I'm content being the woman I am. I dress how I want, as well, as I'm not girly-girl... it's nice that I can just be myself inside and out with no emotional conflict or social conflict.
I know that gender is very important in the church - it's part of your eternal salvation. Even the temple ceremonies play a huge part in gender (I don't know if you've been to the temple and had your endowments or not).
In the The Family: A Proclamation to the World, It says, "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."
*emphasis added
GID is not well understood. Being LDS and having GID can be very difficult to contend with, as gender within the church plays such a huge role doctrinally.
Although, I'm no longer with the church, I still follow what's going on and I'm very familiar with the church's doctrine (past, and present).
There's a part of me that believes that GID and the church will be resolved. GID, ranssexuality and intersex will be seen as a birth defect -- like a child being born without a limb or other defects. Yet, we know, that that child's body will be complete and whole in the eternities.
My personal view point in regards to when I was in church, was that I had a birth defect. In the pre-mortal (or pre-existant state) I was a woman, who was born into a defective body, who will be raised up in the last days as the woman I was meant to be. In a way, it's my duty to be the gender I am vs the birth defect I was born. I saw not transitioning as not doing my calling in life.
I don't think Heavenly Father made a mistake, but I know that God is Intelligence. There's a reason I was born with way, have my GID feelings, and was born intersex. I don't think Heavenly Father made me this way to cause pain in my life, or meant for me to be tortured with GID conflicting which gender I was. Since gender plays an important role, it would be my duty to be the gender I was called to be. Being who I am, I no longer suffer GID, and that's a blessing. Being born in this day and age where I can accomplish fixing my gender is also a blessing. I was also born and lived in a province where SRS was covered. I see this as all blessings. I see being transsexual and intersex as a blessing, a calling, and a lesson. To deny the gender I was meant/called to be (female), was to deny the plan of salvation and Heavenly Father's plan for me. I really think, after all of these years, that I was meant to transition and the roads were opened up for me to do so.
Although I no longer go to church, I still haven't had any excommunication even after my SRS. Despite being transsexual and on my mission, I was still released with honor after a year of serving. I have heard of some members going back to church after SRS and getting the blessing of the first presidency to come back and serve callings within the church without need or requirement to switch back.
I don't think the church, as its people, as a whole is really ready to embrace transsexual and intersexed people -- but, I think it will come in time, and in certain cases it has had the blessing of the first presidency (although, not often publicized, if at all).
I think Heavenly Father recognizes that gender is not black and white, and that there is variance. I think he also recognizes that there are some people who are born intersex or transsexual, just as some people are born with other birth defects. I think there is a purpose for people with GID -- I don't know what it is, but I don't see Heavenly Father not having a purpose for people like me or you.
I don't think that everyone needs or require to transition either. I really think it depends on the case. You might not need to transition at all. In my case, it was something I needed to do. It took a lot of thought. It was something that I would pray about and read the scriptures often.
Matthew 19:12 "For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
I think that's a powerful scripture. I think it shows that Heavenly Father recognizes transsexuality and intersexuallity -- "which were so born from their mother's womb." Remember, back then they didn't have terms for transsexual and intersex.
Is our mortal gender reflective of our eternal gender? Is gender just a body part or an identity. "Gender is an essential characteristic. "
It says that gender is an "essential characteristic." It doesn't say that gender is a body part (or your mortal body), hormones, or what you are born as -- it's a characteristic. My gender characteristic is female: to deny my female characteristic is to deny my "individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."
I just couldn't go on living a lie and living as male trying to fit in, meanwhile denying my eternal and essential characteristic of my female gender. As long as I suffered GID to such an extreme state, like I was, I knew I couldn't get closer to Heavenly Father. I knew forcing myself to be male and fit into that role for the sake of men, was denying the blessing of becoming the woman I was inside, and eternally, given from Heavenly Father.
I'm guessing that explaining it this way is why I've never once had any disfellowship or excommunication from the church. I don't go to church anymore, and I wouldn't say that I'm a TBM (True Believing Member); but I don't think transitioning and having my surgery was wrong in Heavenly Father's eyes; I think it was my calling and duty to. I no longer have GID feelings and it's much easier for me to read the scriptures and feel closer to Heavenly Father than before, when I was suffering from GID. I really think there is a purpose from Heavenly Father to go through all of this, and to transition.
That might not be your purpose or what you need to do -- but I think you need to find your purpose. Pray about it. Pray about your eternal identity and what Heavenly Father wants you to do with that calling. Let your identity be who you are, and be a testimony through your identity.
Anyway, this is my point of view and I thought I'd share. Good luck! *hugs*
