In and out and in and out...

[Summerfall]

For about four years it seems I've been taking one step forward and two steps back, going further into denial each time my true identity would bubble up and make itself known for a few months. What seemed like a quick and easy fix at the time -- *plugs ears* LALALA I CANT HEAR YOU CRAZY GENDER THOUGHTS LALALALA-- turned out to be ineffective and more trouble in the end.

Did any of you ever spend some time going back and forth on addressing your identity?

[Samantha_Peterson]

Ohhhhh yes. I definitely denied it SOOOO many times. Wasn't until I was eighteen and saw an FTM transsexual at my school that I ever admitted it to myself.

[confused101]

Me too. I always thought it was just a phase that I will eventually grew out of as I get older. And that I kept reminding myself that God made me a girl, and so I have to be girl. So I was indenial and started to try and be more feminine in hopes that the feeling will "go away" faster. But then I got tired of it and felt so fake. And come to realize that I can never be that way no matter how hard I try. My mind just doesnt work that way. So now I've stopped trying and started thinking that, "Yes God did made me a female, biologically. But He also made my mind different, he gave me a male mind. So, why would I want to change it?" So just recently I admitted it and just be who I am. Life is hard this way, but then, I'd rather be myself than to live a lie my whole life.

[Josie06]

Me too. I always thought it was just a phase that I will eventually grew out of as I get older. And that I kept reminding myself that God made me a girl, and so I have to be girl. So I was indenial and started to try and be more feminine in hopes that the feeling will "go away" faster. But then I got tired of it and felt so fake. And come to realize that I can never be that way no matter how hard I try. My mind just doesnt work that way. So now I've stopped trying and started thinking that, "Yes God did made me a female, biologically. But He also made my mind different, he gave me a male mind. So, why would I want to change it?" So just recently I admitted it and just be who I am. Life is hard this way, but then, I'd rather be myself than to live a lie my whole life.

Oh my, do I understand. When I was young (teens) I lived in both worlds and loved being a girl. Couldn't do it all the time, well to be sure back then the times were a bit different. They were more restrictive and pretty closed mined. Though I had a few friends who knew and that helped me be me. My Mother knew and did all she could to help and (as she said it) keep me out of trouble and harm.

Well, I should have stepped forward then, all the way. And, I didn't. So I played society's game, society's rules ... trying to prove a negative. Trying to prove what I wasn't .. a man.

I've always know I was a girl, a woman. I didn't really know what a transexual was until later in life. After trying and failing. Now I have a family and responsibilities. But I had my 'Ah Ha Moment' about 20 years ago and then and there actually became comfortable with who I am. I'm still not 'OUT' all those responsibilities garnered over the years.

I know who I am, and pretty much act it. I let the woman in me reign. I wear androgynous clothing and yes, I do buy some women's slacks and shoes (flats) for work. Family thinks I'm eccentric (or maybe crazy) and laugh and go their own way.

But I am happy in my skin. One of my favorite quotes:

"My only "sin" was to be born in the wrong body." ~ Caroline Cossey