When is it a Good Time to Tell the Children?

[DeannaStarspear]

When is it a good time to tell children about being a transwoman? I have two children that I fathered each with a different woman. I have my son who is going to be 3 in October, and my daughter who just turned 1 in April. They both live with my recent ex with whom I had my daughter with. She feels that I should wait until they are old enough to understand things better, as do some others. However, I feel that if they are not taught young about what I am and that it is okay to be different, then they will never know and will never accept me transitioning into a woman. Nor will they be as open-minded to others who are different. So, again, when is it a good time to tell children about being a transwoman?

[April Dawne]

Deanna,

I think the answer is simple: how long are you willing to put off transitioning to keep from having to tell them?

Ex.: if you start seeing a therapist tomorrow, and six months from now you begin HRT, then within 4 months or so the signs of transition will likely begin to show. As time goes on, it will be harder to hide, and part of transitioning in the first place is living it full time.

From what I have learned myself, children accept and adapt much easier and more quickly than adults because they have not formed any concrete opinions on anything. Also, at the ages of the children, will you really need to TELL them anything? If you just slowly shift from male to female, they soon will only remember you as a female and it will likely become a moot point.

~April

[DeannaStarspear]

Deanna,

I think the answer is simple: how long are you willing to put off transitioning to keep from having to tell them?

Ex.: if you start seeing a therapist tomorrow, and six months from now you begin HRT, then within 4 months or so the signs of transition will likely begin to show. As time goes on, it will be harder to hide, and part of transitioning in the first place is living it full time.

From what I have learned myself, children accept and adapt much easier and more quickly than adults because they have not formed any concrete opinions on anything. Also, at the ages of the children, will you really need to TELL them anything? If you just slowly shift from male to female, they soon will only remember you as a female and it will likely become a moot point.

~April

  I totally agree with you. I don't want to put it off any longer than I already have. This is exactly (in more words than I could have ever told her) what I was trying to get across to my recent ex. Thank you so much for this reply! The biggest issue I face now is not only getting her to understand this, but also she and the children live with my mom who will not allow me anywhere near my children if I were to become a woman because she is very stuck in her ways that a person born in the physical body of a man should respect the body that "God" gave them and that it would be a sin to change that. I mean, she would still love me, but she would never approve of me changing and then subjecting my kids to that change. To sum it all up, it would be one hell of a fight on my hands to get to see my children as long as they live under her roof, and right now my recent ex has no extra money to get out on her own. I would love to help her if only it meant I got to see my children more often and as the woman I really am, but I don't have much money either.

[April Dawne]

As I said, start with a therapist first. They can not only help YOU personally, but they can also often help you speak with family members, break the news, and even help point you in the right direction for legal advice should it get to that point.

The way my Mother said it when I came out to her.

"You are my child, and I love you no matter what. Male, female, it doesn't matter, you are still mine." She also said that perhaps God had a reason for making me the way I am. Perhaps you could try looking at it that way as well?

~April

[DeannaStarspear]

As I said, start with a therapist first. They can not only help YOU personally, but they can also often help you speak with family members, break the news, and even help point you in the right direction for legal advice should it get to that point.

The way my Mother said it when I came out to her.

"You are my child, and I love you no matter what. Male, female, it doesn't matter, you are still mine." She also said that perhaps God had a reason for making me the way I am. Perhaps you could try looking at it that way as well?

~April

I wish I could, but I know for a fact that she wouldn't say that because I had told her before how I felt, and of course her first thing was to blame the internet, and that I should stay off here and come back to reality. Then she just flat out told me that I was born and raised to be a male and that I should act like one. Then she went off and sprayed her god talk about how it is a sin for any person to play god as she calls it and change the body that her god gave to that person. Two things she does not understand. One, the internet is only my place to find refuge to be myself where as in the real world I feel I cannot. Two, I do not believe in a god that would instill these feelings and those of what sex if not both a person is attracted to inside a person at birth only to condemn them upon their death for acting upon these feelings. I am very spiritual. I believe in a higher power, but not in one like that. Which is one reason I do not go to church anymore because everywhere I go, they preach about the sins of man with man, woman with woman, and changing the body that their god gave everyone. Anyway, my best bet would be to find a therapist that deals with transgendered people as you said, and hopefully they could get my mom to see otherwise, but I am highly doubting at this point if even that will work.

[April Dawne]

The only thing I can say to that is, if she (or anyone for that matter) is willing to put her faith above her child's happiness, then maybe she is best left behind as she will only continue to be a hindrance. I personally can't stand it when people have to shove their God and their bible talk at me and try to force feed it to me, completely ignoring and dismissing anything I have to say. The way I look at it is, it's MY life not theirs. I will live it the way I see fit. As long as I am not hurting them, or anyone else, then why do they give a damn?

I respect people and their rights to live and believe what they will, and I expect that same respect in return. When I don't get it, I turn my back and don't give them another ounce of my energy. You can't force anyone to change their mind, just as they can't change how you feel.

What would be best would be to try to find some kind of common ground and build from there.

~April

[Miniar]

If they learn when they are young, there will be fewer learned hangups to overcome.

[April Dawne]

That is how I feel too; a childs mind is like a blank canvas, they can learn and adapt and accept far easier than an adult. They can also handle far more than most give them credit for. Telling them should be far easier than telling just about anyone else.

[Bam]

My kids were grown when i transitioned,but 4 of my grandkids only know me as a woman and the other 6 have just accepted it with minimal problem.Kids are very resilient and without parents negative reactions will accept.

[K8]

The short answer is: The sooner the better.  At that young of an age, their father becoming a woman will be perfectly reasonable.  After all, frogs become princes and dogs can talk.

I haven't had to deal with the "God made you male" issue, but I always thought that if presented that I could only say that God gave me a male body and a female soul and that I don't understand why God would test me that way but that I need to align my body and soul.  I tried for years to alter my soul to match my body but it didn't work.  So now I've altered my body to match my soul and am whole, as I think God intended me to be.  (It might work. )

- Kate

[barbie]

It is a difficult question, but I found no difference between adults and my kids in understanding and accepting my crossdressing. As long as other adults are fine with my crossdressing, my kids do not worry about it. My kids just worry about reactions of adults and their mates. I did not tell my kids in detail, but they aleady knew very well as much as adults.

Barbie~~

[marleen]

In the end, it's up to you to decide when to tell, but being in a situation with young children myself, I tend to believe that it's going to be easier the younger they are. This is also the view of the child-psychologist me and my wife spoke to.

Good luck,
Marleen

[DeannaStarspear]

I have an update. I had my son over all day Saturday, that night, and most of Sunday. Well, Saturday night after he fell asleep, I took a shower and got dolled up for the first time since I had bought the dresses, bra, panties, and wig. I had gone outside to smoke and went back in the room afterward to check on my son. It was a good thing I did because he had just woken up and was throwing up. Now there I was, looking like a woman getting him cleaned up and changed and getting the bedsheets changed. At first he was crying because of his throwing up, but I soothed him with the best female voice I could muster. It worked, so that was a plus for me. When he was calm, he looked at me with blank eyes like he couldn't figure out who I was, but he didn't fight me with changing him or anything, so I took that to be a little bit of another plus for me. After the bedding was changed and he was cleaned up, I laid down next to him so I could be there in case he would have to throw up again. Then came a negative on me. He didn't want to settle down, but kept getting up, looking at me, and then crying. Then another plus for me presented itself when I spoke to him in my normal voice and told him that I was his daddy and that I was just different. It was then that he calmed down. All in all, I think it went very well for quite the unexpected experiment that took place.

[Bethy1]

  Then she went off and sprayed her god talk about how it is a sin for any person to play god as she calls it and change the body that her god gave to that person.

I have challenged anybody that spews that crap and will continue to do so. One of my kids has a birth defect that REQUIRED surgery to correct after they were born, and if they continue then they are showing their hypocritical self for the world to see. If YOUR god doesn't allow to correct for something like that then he is a fool. MY god gives us each a unique challenge, sometimes before we were even born. Doesn't look like we pray to the same god.

/rant

Anyways, from what I have heard, it's best to transition before the kids hit puberty, else their notions of male and female will get in the way. Better even to do it before they can even remember that person you yourself are trying to forget. Of course every situation is different.