Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 08:34:20 PM
Some days I think about detransitioning just to have them love me again but the thought of trying to be a boy again makes me extremely suicidal.
The truth is detransitioning is hell. I had that more or less forced upon me aged 16 by a therapist in 1976.
I ended up in an extremist religious community where they kept pushing divine healing at me, and telling me that if I just took one more step of faith the Lord would surely act.
Needless to say he never did, and I spent several years getting more an more depressed and suicidal, further and further away from what I knew was my truth, and more and more screwed up inside.
Ok I'm going to share something with you all now that until now I have only told one or two people here in private. I kind of feel it is my "guilty" dark secret so treat me gently over the fact that I have always previously edited this bit out of my accounts.
The steps of faith they demanded even involved finding a good christian girl and marrying her. This I did, but unsurprisingly it did not last long. I was less than 21 at the time. The error signal that the "marriage" generated in me, watching her being everything I wanted to be was too much. I was physically sick on my weeding night. I could not BEAR to touch her. The thought of playing the male role physically repulsed me and in the end I knew that divorce and proper transition were the only way forward.
It was only at the point when I found that repressed feeling an anger turning to a hatred of women and the desire (which fortunately I never acted upon) to *punish* her violently for what she was allowed to have whilst I was denied that I realised that making yourself into a screwed up distorted hateful deformed spirit just to fit in with another failible human beings shallow and limited understanding of God's love and purpose was actually the ultimate blasphemy!
I knew that if I had not accepted his calling to become myself I would have either offed myself, or her, or most likely both of us, and instead of calling me an inspiration now, my epitaph would have been that of a murderer.
It is like saying to your maker, "Ok you made me like this an called me to this life for a reason, but now I'm going to fling it all back in your face, and go follow the word of a fallible man instead of the word of God"
OK I'm now a Pagan, so my spiritual understanding is slightly different now, but at the time I would have said that "God spoke to me and asked me how much longer it was going to be before I accepted that his answer to my requests for healing was NO! He had a nobler purpose for me. A harder path to travel, but one which, for me, would represent his best, and that I was not to worry about others. Let them learn their error in their own due time."
God speaks to each of us of his purpose for OUR own lives. He does not, as a rule, tell someone else about what is our business, and likewise he is unlikely to tell you of theirs.
Needless to say I was rapidly thrown out of the fellowship, which felt like a loss of family, as at the time almost all of my friends and social life revolved around them. Funny thing is that in later life I did get a letter of semi apology, send via my parents, from two of my tormentors in the church, her parents. That meant a lot, and I am happy to report that after we divorced she went to university, got herself a degree, met a nice man and settled down. So God rewarded her for her faithfulness in not holding a grudge.
The other thing I learned is that you can't put that genie back in the bottle.
If you TRY to back track and de-transition your relationships with others will never quite go back the way they were, one because you will know you are living a lie and two because they will suspect, even if they don't admit it.
The way forward - is - well... FORWARD!
God willing you may yet find that they may come to their senses, but if not then perhaps take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in what you are going through.
I was lucky to have loving and supportive parents, but even so, parents don't last forever, and by the time I was in my early thirties both of mine were gone from this life, and as I am an only child, were it not for Alison, I would be alone in the world. Sadly you have had to face that situation a little earlier, but I say take heart, and trust that God will provide all that is needful to you.
I am so sorry, and I deeply feel for your trial. But I truly believe that your God has you by the hand and has your back. You will come through this victorious, and the better person for it.
Please take that assurance from someone who, at least in part, has been there.
Jenny x.
