Hi Plix,
First I want to ask you something. Are you currently seeing a therapist? No need to answer.
If you are not I want to ask you to do me a favor. Now I know there is no reason why you should do a favor for someone you don't even know. It is however a favor for yourself. Seek out a good therapist who specilizes in GID. There are lots of people here who can help you and links to very good therapists. There is even one who will talk to you by phone. Please do this as soon as possible.
You said something about a recent castration. I am left to wonder was this from voluntary surgery or self inflicted? Either way as far as your decision to transition this is a plus as you will not require the usual testosterone regimine. As to chucking the process and trying to live as a man, in my opinion that is a questionable course of action. In the end you must do whatever you think is best.
You seem to be focused on FFS as being some absolute necessity in order to start living as yourself. It is not. Here is an exercise I'd like you to do. Go to the mall or the student union building at lunch time or whenever there are a lot of students around and sit and just observe. Now don't just observe the pretty girls who represent your idealized version of yourself, in fact ignore them completely. Concentrate on all the other girls. Fat, skinny, plump short, tall, big feet, little feet etc.
Ask yourself the question, do you doubt that any of these girls are girls? Why? do you see some with masculine features. Of course you do they are every where if you start looking for them. Is anyone pointing at them? Staring? Wondering if it's a woman or a man? No? Why?
What makes them unmistakabley girls and you not?
The why is simple. They were born with female bodies. They were raised as female. They walk around knowing they are female because of their bodies which except for a select few no one ever really sees. For them being and acting like a girl is as natural as breathing. No one doubts a masculine looking girl is a girl because she does not doubt it. She knows what she is.
You know what you are don't you Plix? All you have to do now is put it together. It is the way you act. How you present to the world around you. If you cultivate that attitude no one will doubt you are a girl even if your not dressed like one. It's not big boobs, it's not an hour glass figure, it is your attitude.
Cultivate your presence as female in the world and when it becomes as natural to you as breathing then one day it will happen. I know this because today it happened to me. I didn't try, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, because being a woman has become as natural to me as breathing. Taken completely by surprise with no props no makeup no feminine attire, in fact no visual cues whatsoever, a man saw me as a woman and nothing more.
I have not had any surgery, heck I haven't even had electrolysis, I shave every day. HRT has so far only made minor improvements. So what is it you think FFS is going to give you that you don't already posses within yourself. Read my post on Owning the Part, in the Coming out of the Closet forum. I've given really good tips there if I do say so myself.
Now I'm not trying to discourage you from getting FFS in the future if it will make you feel better. What I am trying to get you to see here is that the only thing stopping you from living as yourself right now, is you. Never mind all the other people. You are young, your only 20 for crying out loud. My daughter is old enough to be your mother.
Whatever friends you have now, if they don't understand or don't want to be your friends anymore, screw em. Tell em to take a flying leap through a rolling donut. You can always make new friends and those people were never your real friends to begin with.
Suicidal thoughts? Yeh I think we've pretty much all had those. I used to hike up into the Appalachian mountains up around the 4 5k foot levels for the express purpose of just walking off the mountain top. It takes alot of determination to walk up a mountain for 14 mi. just to get to a aprticular spot you have all picked out for yourself. Almost kept walking once or twice. So yeh I've been down that path, literally. Thankfully I never went through with it. Now I get to be the woman I have become, and I'm not finished yet.
Take your journey one step at a time. Don't put undue pressure on yourself. Such things can lead to more depression if just the littlest thing goes wrong. Like I said before there are good days and bad days just like it is for everyone else in the world. Don't let your fears stand in your way. We've all been afraid at one time or another, you just have to take that first step.
Oh yeh one other thing, on the name. Try a favorite character from a novel or history or something.
My name comes from greek mythology. Cassandra was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo who was infatuated with her, but she spurned his advances so he cursed her that her prophecies although true would go unheeded. She predicted the fall of Troy the death of king Agememnon and her own demise at his killers hands.
Good Luck to you Plix and Good Journey,
Cassie
