Dysphoria and Mirrors

[RaeLikesTea]

Where my dyshoria used to be an overall self-hatred, I've found that lately, since I've started passing more and feeling more comfortable with my appearance in general, it's manifesting in very specific ways.

Lately, my dysphoria has been turning into dissociation, for example:
The biggest thing I've noticed is mirrors. When I come in to my apartment at the end of the day and un-bind, and definitely when I'm changing/showering/etc, I try very hard not to look in mirrors. When I do, I completely dissociate. "Oh, what an interesting lump of flesh. I wonder whose that is?" It's like the body in the mirror is not mine. Usually I focus in on something that I'm comfortable with, "How's my hair?" and block out the rest.

So, I'm wondering, am I alone on this? How do you guys cope with mirrors? When is your dysphoria the worst, and how do you deal with it?

[Bones]

You are definitely not alone in this. I do not look at my body in the mirror from the neck down or the waist up. When I do...it depresses me..Only time I will is if I have on clothes, never naked. And yes, I think I'm the same way with the disassociation. I look at that person there, wondering who the hell was supposed to get this body? Some poor MtF somewhere out there was supposed to look like me and I was supposed to look like them...It's too bad, we can't just swap brains from body to body.

[Bagheera]

I've always had this uncanny fear of mirrors... one reason is paranoia, the other is I never liked what I saw. I try to avoid looking into mirrors in general because I'm so uncomfortable with almost every aspect of my appearance. I still live as a female and definitely look the part, so it doesn't help the dysphoria. :/ But if I have no choice, I try to either ignore anything below my neck or dissociate, just like you both. Sometimes it helps to just let the mirror fog up in the bathroom.

When is my dysphoria the worst? Probably when I'm pushed in an uncomfortable situation. It was pretty bad in the locker rooms during school. Being surrounded by other people in general can make me feel pretty bad. When surrounded by males it reminds me of how wrong my body is, and when surrounded by other bio-females it is pretty much the same.

[Elijah3291]

I like mirrors when I am looking good, like when the clothes I have on make me look masculine.  but when naked, or when my face looks fem, mirrors make me want to vomit, and then shatter the glass

I think I want to put duct tape over the part of my mirror that would show my chest, hips, vag... I can stand there naked, and then put tape over those bad areas, so when I am naked for a shower and I look in the mirror, the bad parts will be covered up

[Electric Wizard]

I don't really get this because I have the fortune of having a mirror that only really shows me from the shoulders up. If I lower myself a little bit, it doesn't even look like I have anything resembling boobs, which is great. But if I do come across a mirror that shows below the shoulders, it's usually anything to do with boobs that pisses me off. I get more pissed off than sad because I know it's such a simple surgery to remove this ->-bleeped-<-, and I feel cheated that I got stuck with these things.

[Farm Boy]

When I stand in front of a mirror I just don't look at certain parts of my body.  I pretend they're not there. 

[Lewis]

I don't even own a full length mirror so it's not someting that comes up often. But back before I was presenting as male, I would sometimes catch a glimpse of this woman in the mirror and wonder for a second just who she was and what the hell she was doing in my bathroom.

[KaciKip]

The bathroom with the shower in my house is covered with mirrors. Like, the mirror wraps around the entire bathroom, and it's one of those waist up mirrors. :/ So no matter what I try to do, I always wind up seeing my boobs and it's really depressing and triggering for me. Generally I'll take a really hot shower for a long enough period of time so the bathroom fogs up more then the little air vents can let out, or I'll wrap myself in a towel before I get out of the shower and bolt out of the bathroom into my mirror-free bedroom before the fog can clear up.

I'm trying not to dissociate anymore because I've gotten so used to dissociating that it's affected everything. Like, nothing seems real to me anymore, and it's scary. So I'm trying to stay as "real" as possible. >.<


My dysphoria is generally at its worst at the end of the day when I get undressed and ready to take a shower, actually. It's just so depressing when I take off my binder and my boobs fall out. And as I've said, it does not help that the genius who built my house put friggin mirrors all over the bathroom. I've taught myself not to look down at my body when I shower because it's really triggering and I'm trying to kick my SI addiction. =_=; My days seem to run in a cycle. Like, at the beginning of the day I'm not that dysphoric since I get dressed in my guy clothes and my binder. Then it slowly goes downhill from there as I go throughout my day since right now I'm living as a female and nearly uses female pronouns on me, and it doesn't help that in Spanish class, I am forced to use female pronouns to address myself since no one knows I'm really a guy. :/ And I'd get points off if I use the "wrong" gender pronoun thingie. ;_; And points off means lower grade and ahh. I can't afford to get a low grade.

As for how I cope with my general dysphoria, it depends. In the past, and sometimes in the present, I'll use extremely destructive coping methods. Remember that SI addiction I mentioned? That's one of the bad ways I'll cope with it. x_x; Though recently I've gone on to drawing my dysphoria, which is much more productive and healthier than SI is. Or if I'm not feeling productive, I'll play the sims and live out my fantasy life as the guy I am.

But yeah, you definitely aren't alone with the whole mirror thing! And sorry this turned out to be a mini-essay of sorts.

[Al James]

I too do shoulder upward mirrors. The only time it gets tilted is to see if ive actually managed to make myself look flat when binding. Saying that, if i catch my reflection in a shop window when i'm actually looking and feeling good, sometimes its a really good feeling. Naked full length though? not a chance

[seanstartrunning]

I've always only looked at my face in the mirror. Never could pay attention to the rest of my body. It's almost like all of the defects aren't there. I know they are, but to me, they've always been unfamiliar. Like, they're not really mine. I can only look at myself as a whole, when I'm fully clothed and passing.

[Inkwe Mupkins]

I get bad dysphoria when looking in the mirror but unlike you guys I do look at the bad spots. I look to see if the lumps have gotten bigger or if ive lost weight on my thighs and then I try to convince myself they've all gotten smaller.

[DylanAugusten]

My entire life has been spent avoiding mirrors. When I was in school I always thought it was really vain of the girls in the bathroom to double, triple, and sometimes quadruple check themselves. I was always in and out, never even glancing at myself in the mirror. Now that I'm more aware of trans-ness, at home I avoid it because if I catch myself in the mirror I tend to obsess with flattening my chest or hips and I just get really upset. It tends to ruin my whole day/week. Lately I've just gotten into the habit of turning the lights out when I change.

[brainiac]

I always get a little flash of dysphoria, but it's never been that bad with mirrors. It's ALWAYS worse with people taking pictures of me (especially when they won't take no for an answer). A reflection in a mirror is fleeting, but these people are potentially immortalizing me trapped and presenting as a girl.

[Shang]

Anytime I see anything with myself I get a little upset.  I don't like seeing that I have boobs (it's bad enough feeling the weight of them) and then I think I look dumpy so that really doesn't help me.

I won't look in mirrors because I'm scared of seeing behind me, but when I do look I only look at my face because I don't like seeing the rest of me, especially since I can slick my hair back when it's wet and look pretty masculine but if I look down it brings me back to reality.

[justmeinoz]

I am quite comfortable doing my hair, but when I am shaving I do feel that I don't like watching what is going on.  Then I put on mascara and it's ok again. 

[Him]

How do you guys cope with mirrors?

Remove them from the vicinity.
(Strangely I do this with clocks as well.)
*shrug*

[Teknoir]

I used to hate mirrors, cameras, and voice recordings.

Now post-T I have a bigger problem with mirrors... I spend too much time in front of them! (dressed and binding, of course) The longer I'm on T, the worse the problem is getting.

In all seriousness - it's actually having an impact on the time it take me to get ready for work . I preen too much. I pose too much. But when you like what you see for the first time in your life, you can't really help it .

Still not too fond of that one in the bathroom though... but at least it's dysphoria mixed with "oooh... trippy" (pre-op + beard = WTFLOL?!).

[Aegir]

I handle it the same way lots of other are, avoid pointing a mirror at the whole body, stick to the face. When I see myself in a full-length mirror or reflective shop front and I'm not there for the purpose of checking to see if I've built more muscle or lost fat, I just pretend I'm trying to look female for a spy mission or something so I can be like, "Good job there those are some realistic female hips! How did you do it? Good work hiding your beard! Nobody would ever know!"

Otherwise I can stand being in a full length if I see improvement; when I don't see improvement somewhere I just kindof shut it out and leave though.