Facebook Creepiness

[Tammy Hope]

I am always one who hesitates greatly to "call out" something that doesn't smell right until i get real conclusive proof. Sometimes there will be a thread on a BBS which makes what seem to be unrealistic claims but i just move on, usually.

Same with this, but dang it I HAVE to vent about this so I'm doing it here.

I got a friend request on FB - probably some of you did too - from a girl (young adult) who said (paraphrasing) "I'm an orphan and i've always admired transwomen and I'm looking for a mom on here"

WHAT?

My first instinct was "->-bleeped-<-" - but morbid curiosity led me to accept the invite and i noticed several other of my firends accepted her invite.

Then, in a week or so, she sets a transwoman from her friends list as her mother, and changes her screen name to add her "new last name" - this woman speak to her as a daughter and she to her as a mom.

then, in a couple of weeks, that "mom" is ditched for a new "mom" (who posts on the wall to profess how she loves her daughter and the whole nine yards) and the "daughter" switches out her name again.

All this has left me with an astounding case of "WTF??!?!!?!?"

Still, I can't look away - it's like watching a really bad reality show...

[JessicaR]

Wow, that's a new one for me...

   I know that the term, "Drag Mother," is used for experienced performers that take newbies under their wing but I've never heard anything like that in Transsexual circles...   Maybe the theory has bled over into the crossdresser set.
   It does sound kinda creepy, though.... Makes you wonder what happened to the "old" Mom....


        ...........Norman?   

[April Dawne]

Wow, that's a new one for me...

   I know that the term, "Drag Mother," is used for experienced performers that take newbies under their wing but I've never heard anything like that in Transsexual circles...   Maybe the theory has bled over into the crossdresser set.
   It does sound kinda creepy, though.... Makes you wonder what happened to the "old" Mom....


        ...........Norman?

Hahaha that last part made me laugh! I am friends with several drag queens/kings and drag mothers, and the behaviour as described above doesn't fit. They don't switch Mom's every few weeks and change their names, etc. That almost sounds like some kind of game being played. It might just be innocent fun, but then again, there might be something fishy going on.

[Sinnyo]

I have seen this done in Second Life - I didn't realise it could transfer to different online media, and I've never seen it related to trans people before. In a world open to constructing a child-like avatar, it was uncommon but still a done practice that some users would role-play a child, and often adopt a parent. I met someone who suddenly found himself fitting this parental role, and he thought little of it in the end; I guess I accepted it and moved on, despite the fact all involved were (hopefully) grown adults. Innocent enough, but.. still creepy.

That's probably all there is to this. Somebody, perhaps longing for a childhood lost, is role-playing to claw that time back, albeit in very strange fashion if they're targeting trans women.

[spacial]

I have a facebook account because two of my nieces like to communicate in that way. But never use it otherwise.

The way each new technology develops a separate set of social morals and rules is really quite interesting.

Second Life and similar were interesting in the relationship that developed. I play a similar game, quite often, where the character goes out to fight monstors, goblins and such. I've always been as honest as I dare, I tell people I'm a 55 year old woman, married, in the UK.

Because my charcter is quite strong, a lot of the younger players want to team up with me. Last night, a group, who have previously identified themselves as boys between about 11 and 30 years, were fighting over who would get to team with me. It was quite funny really.

Facebook seems to me, at least, to be a little too personal. My nieces produce photos of themselves and their friends. They talk about the most personal details of themselves.

Forming such on screen relationships as being a mother is, I agree, weird. But in reality, me being a level 46 mounted warrior (or a level 30 ninja) is no more realistic.

Here's a point. Is living through a computer generated character in this way vicarious? Or is it just a bit of harmless fun?

[Hurtfulsplash]

I knew someone, not a child, that wanted parental figures to take care of them. I don't see it often and haven't seen it online, but I figure it's just satisfying an emotional need.

As for Facebook being too personal, I keep it for family members or longtime friends I know in real life only, and have never had a request from an anonymous user.

[Julie Marie]

I have a Facebook account but almost never go there unless I get an email or something.  I first signed up to keep in touch with my kids.  Then came the creeps.  That pretty much ended any interest I had in Facebook.

The Internet brings out the best in all of us! 

[Dana Lane]

I had a trans woman from Israel ask me to become one of her siblings or something like that. Of course I said no way. Think I blocked her.

[ggina]

Just one question, how on earth do they know on FB that you're TS? You advertise it or something?

g

[rejennyrated]

If it wasn't so potentially serious it would actually be quite comical. I think with some people they look at your profile and if they see that you have one or two openly trans friends they ASSUME that you must be one too.

The idea of randomly adding would fail with me however because I never add random people unless they message me and give me a jolly good reason to do so, and frankly some cock and bull story about admiring transwomen won't even half cut it.

If you want me to add you on Facebook I need at least one point of genuine connection, a mutual friend, or some other way in which we are already connected, and I NEVER add people who don't even bother to attach a personal message to the add request.

There are simply too many scammers criminals and other lowlifes out there who will tell you anything to try to get a peek at your personal details. Which is why I always look for ways to verifying the bona-fides of people who contact me. For example, if someone tells me that they are a mutual friend of X. then I will usually message X. and ask them for details about how they know this person and I will only add them if I am satisfied with the answers I get. The irony is I have minimal details on Facebook anyway - but still it's good to be careful.

[Astarielle]

Curious, what people will do on Facebook.

It never really took off with me; I have my family and precious little else on there as I have no friends from "real" life, and I very, very, very, and I stress very rarely go by my given name on the internet. I believe I've given it to four people over the past...eight years. It just seems...odd.

Anyway, I don't think it's malicious, just a weirdo on Facebook. I can sympathize with them, though. The idea of having someone to guide you through the whirlwind of feelings questioning your gender brings up is appealing.

[Debra]

wow.

Well at first when I came out I added anybody that wanted to be friends if they were TG. That got out of hand quite quickly and I backpedaled and removed everyone I didnt really know well.

i still get countless requests from people that want to be FB friends simply because they are TG too and/or like my blog etc. I just tell them that my blog, youtube, and twitter are wide open to the world but I keep facebook closed for me. If they want to get to know me, they can add me on IM and we can talk for a while an see if facebook is an option later on.

[Octavianus]

It is fascinating to see how a lawless and anonymous place as the internet brings out a whole new behavior pattern in some people.

I never really saw the appeal of social networking sites, I have only one account which contails very little personal info and use it only to stay in contact with frieds who I can't meet on a regular basis. Yet this still attract strange messages, like people who want to be friends just because we share the same last name. Really, are people more likely to become friends when they share something a trivial as a name than when they don't? I don't see the logic in this. I can only guess it is similar when you put the label "trans" on your profile, what is the point of doing this?
People add a lot of friends on sites as facebook, but does having 200+ of those contacts really make you a social person? I don't think so, I rather have 1 good friend in real life.

[Tammy Hope]

Just one question, how on earth do they know on FB that you're TS? You advertise it or something?

g

I - and many others from what i read, but i'll stick to me - I discuss openly my status because the vest majority of people who are on my friend list know, or are trans themselves.

i live in a small southern town and even if you don't know me you know ABOUT me since i came out publicly.

and there was no way to attempt a stealth transition here.

if I'd have set up a page on FB with the pretense that i was a natal woman I'd have surrendered a lot of credibility.

[katgirl74]

I hate to say this, but facebook creepiness is one reason why I don't accept friend requests from trans women who I don't know outside of facebook. I just ran into too many instances of creepy people sending my requests, i.e. the ->-bleeped-<-s. In the end, facebook became a place for people I actually really truly know.

[ggina]

if I'd have set up a page on FB with the pretense that i was a natal woman I'd have surrendered a lot of credibility.

I understand your concerns Tammy, but if everyone in your area knows you're TS anyway, then why the need to put that out on FB? You don't have to write "I'm a natal woman", just "woman", it sounds a lot better and it isn't a lie

Of course it's your decision, I'm not trying to make an argument here, just being curious as always

g

[Lexine]

In general, I accept a lot of friend requests from transwomen on there. It's funny because you'd think because I have my phone number there that I'd start receiving creepy calls from them but its actually the opposite.

They friend me, then they never talk to me ever again. So what's the point? I'm interested in meeting people in our community, but if you can't even take the time to say "Hi," back, what's the use? I often purge people from my friend's list because of this.

[Tammy Hope]

You have to know how these people think. Not all of course, I have many friends who have been good to me and they go out of their way to say they consider me a woman and not a trans anything.

BUT

For the skeptical...more acquaintances than friends really...If I didn't offer some sort of explanation it would seem to them to be delusional. After the initial reading, of course, they "get" what I'm saying about myself and accept it or reject it - but there's always someone new.

for instance, just the other day one of my high school classmates became fb friends with another guy we graduated with who'd just joined facebook.

So lets say the new guy is checking over the other guy's friends list for people he might know and he comes across this person with the right last name, who looks kind of familiar, but says she's a woman.

If he figures out this is the person he once knew, he still has no context for processing this? Crossdresser? Perve? Looney? The last thing most people around here will think is - "oh, i get it, my old friend must be trans"

It's to foreign to most of them, too big a bite too chew all at once so to speak.

Plus, I find from time to time that being open about it gives me a chance to educate - if I don't open up about it often the curious won't dare to ask. Just last week I got a PM from a girl on there that I've known for over 25 years confessing to me that she just didn't understand this, and praying that I'd get better. NOT malicious or hateful or bigoted, just sincerly well-meaning but ignorant. That opened the door for me to write a long reply explaining a lot of things she surely has never been exposed to before.
I don't know if she "gets it" now - but she is certainly been exposed to some better information.

I might be assuming too much to assume if I just said "I'm  woman" with no hint of being trans that it would be different - but that's what i think anyway.

I understand your concerns Tammy, but if everyone in your area knows you're TS anyway, then why the need to put that out on FB? You don't have to write "I'm a natal woman", just "woman", it sounds a lot better and it isn't a lie

Of course it's your decision, I'm not trying to make an argument here, just being curious as always

g

[Tammy Hope]

My hierarchy is like this:

1. People I know IRL
2. people I know from another message board i frequent where I'm out
3. people connected to people I know IRL who seem sympathetic, or are LGBT
4. Transwomen i know from the net, particularly here, or high profile women like Lynn Conway or some such
5. trans people I come across who are local to me
6. Other trans-related people like surgeons or whatever
7. trans people who submit requests and don't seem to be weird

That latter group is subject to purge any time i feel like it.

In general, I accept a lot of friend requests from transwomen on there. It's funny because you'd think because I have my phone number there that I'd start receiving creepy calls from them but its actually the opposite.

They friend me, then they never talk to me ever again. So what's the point? I'm interested in meeting people in our community, but if you can't even take the time to say "Hi," back, what's the use? I often purge people from my friend's list because of this.

[ggina]

Thank you for the explanation, Tammy. I guess you're more into the whole fb-thing, think I'm a bit (?) paranoid about the net in general

g