A Brief Introduction

[sarahla]

Hi All,

Here is my introduction, although I guess that the best is to ask me questions.

When did I know that I was born in the wrong body?  I can honestly say that I do not remember.  I know that for every birthday starting at about 12, maybe 11, I would wish that in the morning that I would wake up as a girl, but that is already after the fact.  It is interesting but in the 6th grade, maybe 5th grade now that I am thinking on the topic, I was already contemplating how to become a girl.  I had wished for God to make me a girl and nothing changed.  I thought that I should let my hair grow long, start taking hormones, and go to my doctor and have him take off my penis and then when I go to junior high school (now called Middle School) that I could just be a girl.  I actually had it right, almost, but I never spoke up.  I was scared.

That was back in the '70s and I never heard of a transsexual or the word.  I thought that I was unique.  I could not even comprehend that someone else in the universe could feel the same thing.  I was thinking that I was a bad person in a previous life, a Nazi?, and that my punishment was to be made a boy.

I always knew that I was different.  Sadly, boys hated me, and girls, well, would refuse to even talk to me.  Yes, the truth is that I was trying my best to keep things secret, but everyone suspected something odd.  I hated sports.  I hated pretty much male everything.  In school, when we had to play baseball, the boys would literally start a fight amongst themselves, because nobody wanted me.  After school, the boys tried to beat me up, and not just once.

I do have one fond memory, namely chorus.  I got placed in with the girls, as I had a soprano voice.  I was so-so-so happy to be part of them, just I screwed things up and did not start talking to them or open up.  The fly in the ointment was the chorus director, who would tell me that I do not have to worry that my voice will change soon and I will be with the boys.  How I wanted to wash his (or was that a her?) mouth out with caster oil or something stronger for saying such a cruel thing.

The problem that I had in junior high school and one of the reasons that I did not come out was that I was attracted to girls.  I figured that girls are attracted to boys and boys attracted to girls.  That was an absolute.  (Yes, there are gays, but I was isolated and that was before the gay revolution and the internet.  I heard of them, but I figured that gay men were just boys that wanted to be girls that could not.  Okay, that sounds so stupid, but I was young.)  Anyways, I figured that I should be attracted to boys, but I wanted nothing at all do do with them.  The years past.

Friends, well...

I was also afraid to come out to my parents and my sister, my father especially.  If you were to ask me today on the why, I could not even offer a clue as to the why, but I was, petrified in the ultra extreme.

Fast forward.  I could not take the gender issue and I started to lose it in 1998.  I had access to the internet for the first time in my life then and it was not long before I found a transsexual group.  I made an internet friend, a transsexual, a bit older and further along, but I was happy to find someone else like me.  I was angry in the extreme.  She encouraged me to open up, but I was still scared.  Eventually a couple of years later, I did to one family member, my father's second wife, whom my friend and I both thought would be the best person.  She was/is a psychologist.  Sadly, I picked the wrong person.  Oh boy, did I pick the wrong person.  We do not talk with each other, even to this day, although we never had a great relationship.

The person that I should have come out to was my sister, aunt, mom, and my step-mom, but sadly that was later.

In 2004, I saw nail polish in a store and before I knew what I was doing, I was putting it on and wearing it.  I grew my nails out long and I did not put on a clear coat.  I just said that I liked nail polish.  People accepted that, although they did talk.  I was finding a way to come out on my own.

I got helped, although I am happy for it now.  The evil one (a woman who used me) came out to some of my family and hers behind my back, even though I made her promise never to tell a living soul.  Sadly, she also did not do it in the nicest of ways.  She even came out to my sister, not that I knew it at the time.  Everything imploded at once, when she left and spilled the beans.  It was then that I lost all my fear and realized how dumb I was.  I told everyone in the family, friends, etc.  Well, work was a different story.

I never forget in 2006, my manager (big telecommunications company) called me on the phone before starting getting to work (or leaving) and asked me if she can ask me a question.  Now mind you, I tried to hide gender at work as best that I could.  I heard all the horror stories.  Come out as trans, and bye-bye money.  I was not that brave.  She came right out and asked, "Are you a woman?"  I said: "yes".  She was very nice.   She told everyone at the office and that was that.  At my other job at the time, the manger (one of them) said that he likes Sarah much better than the other name.  He said that in a group meeting.  After that, it was Sarah.  That was then, and the recession is now. :-(

I took hormones for a year.  I got forced off of them.  I started in 2006.  Why I got forced off is a long story and not my fault.  Okay, I was upset at being lied to and not having my real other half.  Maybe it was good that the doctor took me off looking back.  I would like to have a child and continuing on hormones would have made that impossible.  I did not take male blockers and took testosterone pellets at the time. That is another story.

I am out across the board, legally changed a few years back.  Yippee!  My hair is below my ears.  I cannot grow it longer, as I need a hair transplant.  I have some breasts, but not big enough.  Stay tuned...

The one person that I never did get to tell was my mom.  I regret that.  She sort of knew.  She asked my stepmom and father if I was gay.  My father said that she was stupid and that I was a normal guy.  She was close. I still say that what does it mean to be gay if you are trans and pre-op?

As to sexual orientation, understanding that took me years, decades.  I had a dream (and thoughts), when I was young (13ish) of a guy taking me.  I would be the girl.  I was open to the idea.  I just did not find boys attractive.  I would look at girls.  What I did not realize was that I look at girls differently than a boy would.  I want to be a girl (am a girl), so how I look at them is different.  That is obvious to me now, but not for a long time.  I misread.  I would say that I am bisexual, although I still am not attracted to them, but would not mind some servicing one day, but that would require an innie and not an outie.

I guess that is enough for an introduction.

Opinion:  I would not mind a better word than M2F.  I was never a male, so how could I go from male to female, when I never was one?  I have a penis, but that can be construed as whatever.

[veck]

Hello Sarahia,

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you'll find here what you are looking for. For me, i already met some amazing people!

Thanks for your introduction. I came up with two questions reading it. I am currently figuring things out about my gender identity, but I feel uncertain about a lot of things.

You said that you wished to be a girl from the age of 11/12. Looking at your childhood, did you recognize any girly things? Playing with dolls? Playing games? From my perspective, i do not. I played with cars, go outside, etcetera. But, at the age of 11/12, i felt attracted to girls quite strong. I had thoughts about them, about their breasts.. How exactly did you looked to girls? I can recognize myself in your story. It is a strange feeling, one feels attracted, but I was always a still observer.. I had no intensions to 'conquer' a girl like other boys did. Can you recognize this??

Hugs!!

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to Susans Sarahla.  See ya around the forum

[moonrise]

I thought your title read 'Brief'? 

Really, how can our "Life Challenge" be brief at all?

Nice to meet you, I'm Rylee.

[Susan Baum]

Hi, sarahla and Welcome. 

I spent hours here before I chose to introduce myself; if you were to take the time to read through the site, you would be blown away by just how many of us had dreams of becoming girls about the same age - but my timing was in the early 60's. 

There are some truly outstanding folks here who will support you whatever you do - truly a judgement free place where it is best to be be true to yourself. 

Susan

[annette]

Hi Sarah

welcome to the forum.
It's good to have you here.
The story you told is very recognizeble for most of us.
In the 70ties things where so different as they are now, no information, no internet and the feeling your the only one with such a crazy idea that you're in the wrong gender.
I'm sure that you 're on the right place about sharing your feelings, doubts, hope's and ideals.
There are a lot of people here with kindness, expirience and knowledge.

hug
annette

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[sarahla]

Hi Veck,

I never heard of the name Veck.  What is that short for?  My thought was Vicky, but that would be with an 'i'.

Thanks for your introduction. I came up with two questions reading it. I am currently figuring things out about my gender identity, but I feel uncertain about a lot of things.

Over the years, I figured many things out, but I still have many things to figure out.  Sadly, there is no road map, per se, to peruse, so I am figuring things out on my own.  Sadly, society is helpful in some ways and detrimental in others.

You said that you wished to be a girl from the age of 11/12.

That is not quite true.  I had an epiphany at the age of 11 or so that I am a girl and knew it without a doubt, but that does not mean that prior to that that I did not wish to be a girl or had those leanings.  I just did not know for sure and it was not as if I saw Kim Petras's in my youth as guides.

Looking at your childhood, did you recognize any girly things? Playing with dolls? Playing games?

I was an anti boy.  I really was. I would not call them dolls, but rather my friends of a non-human variety.  I still have them to this day.  I named all my younger sister's dolls but one.  She was so upset that I named all hers that she did not even tell me of one of them until she figured out a name.  I did have once a wheelie set or however that is spelled, but I did not like it much.  I am not even sure that I asked for it.

I would love to have talked with girls and tell stories, to sit around and do things, maybe even play cards, but...  I isolated myself never daring to talk to girls and they saw me as a boy.  Considering the way that I was dressed and how short my hair was, nobody would consider me otherwise.

What I do not understand is that late '60s and '70s was a period of long hair, even for guys.  How did I become the reject and have short hair?  Was I that afraid or did the thought never occur to me?

There is nothing more sad than living one's life in fear.  The truth will come out.  In this case, fear just casts a black cloud over things and prevents an honest relationship.  Either people like you for who you really are or they do not.  If you wait decades to tell, then at some point animosity builds up.  When I finally told my father, I was super angry.  I was not scared, at least at that moment.  I was furious (at myself really, as he was innocent) that I was forced to lie and be a guy all those years.  I was angry that I had to stand up and pee.

As to games, I had a stuttering problem back then, so in combination with girls ignoring me and boys fighting me, the principle of the school decided that during recess and lunch (I am not kidding), I should stay in the room meant for speech class and retarded kids, so that I get separated from the others.  I presume people thought that I was gay, which in some sense was true, but at that age, I was not thinking of sex. I just wanted to be a girl and be part of them.  Okay, I am drifting off topic.  In the room, there were board games, Chutes and Ladders and Candyland.  I got to play with myself.  Why is it that the kids were bad and the teachers not teachers, but then I got punished?

I did like to play board games, yes.  My favorite was Concentration, a popular television game show.

I was 6 at the time and had to stay briefly with a girl.  My mom went away for a few days, so she asked a classmate's mom to watch me for a couple of days. This family had a daughter, no father, at least that I saw.  This girl was an expert drawer with crayons.  I was so envious (or was I jealous?)  She never drew outside the lines, and it pissed me off that I could not do the same.  Okay, I could have practiced or asked her to show me how, but I did neither. :-(

I took a test once at transsexual.org and it asked about female friends and many similar things.  Missing from the set of questions was the possibility of being embarrassed, hiding one's identity, and not having any.

I look at people like Kim Petres and Jossie Romeres (I think that is Jossie's last name.  She is about 8 or 9 now.) and I get pissed.  Kids today come out at 3 or 4 and have no issues telling everyone and forcing their gender.  I am envious of them for doing what I never did. I do not know why I did not.  Kids are supposed to be honest, but I never was.

From my perspective, i do not. I played with cars, go outside, etcetera. But, at the age of 11/12, i felt attracted to girls quite strong. I had thoughts about them, about their breasts.. How exactly did you looked to girls? I can recognize myself in your story. It is a strange feeling, one feels attracted, but I was always a still observer.. I had no intensions to 'conquer' a girl like other boys did. Can you recognize this??

For as long as I have a memory, first grade onwards, I wanted to grow up and have my own breasts.  I was waiting for puberty.  I was convinced that I would grow breasts like other women.  I guess that means that I was a girl earlier.  I should have taken that as a sign.  Ha?  I still want to have my own breasts.  My breasts grew during the year that I was on hormones, so it is between an A-cup and a B-cup.  I in no way fill out a B-cup, but I do have to wear a 38B bra.  Considering that I am super tall (6'0"), I would not mind several cup sizes larger.  By the way, I always wanted wider hip too and a larger butt.  Those two were about equal in my thoughts along with long hair, got to have the long hair down to the shoulders.

I did not, and still do not, want to conquer girls.  I guess that I am the male, even in a lesbian relationship, but I do not want to conquer them.  I observed them.

In Junior High School (7-9), I thought that all boys want to wear dresses and skirts and are girls, but are afraid to say that.  I remember that phase.  I would get envious when I saw a nice flowing dress and wished that I was wearing it.  In high school, there was this girl in my foreign language class.  I remember.  She wore these beautiful shoes and clothes.  She never wore the same outfit twice.  Her name was Robin.  I always looked forward to the next day to see what she wore.  I cannot count the times that I wished to be her friend and that she would help me dress that nicely.  Yes, do not continue that I should have talked to her and come out in the open.  God alone knows why I did not.

There was this cute girl in junior high school in orchestra, who played the bass of all things.  I had a crush on her, but not in the way a boy would thinking back now.  I wanted to look like her and be her.

I have to think on the topic a bit, but I believe that I am coming to the conclusion that one has to be their true self and then can form an attraction and relationship.  My thoughts were always like Alice, looking on the outside of the looking glass wanting to be in.

My favorite dream and thought from the youngest age was that there would be two pools, a boy pool and a girl pool.  The boy pool made people males and the girl pool made people girls.  I was always dreaming that I would sneak into the girl's pool and just stay there longer than one was supposed to until I became super feminine, think physically.  Nice memories.  That was right there with that I am being punished for doing something bad in a previous life.


moonrise, I forgot to put in a title, sorry about that.  I was busy thinking about what to write, and did not even notice that I did not write a title.


annette, I still cannot figure out (thoughts?) why children today (at the age of 3 (like Jossie) and Kim Petres, who is now 17 or so) come out with no hesitation and proclaim that they are a girl, whereas I hid everything, tried my best to hide myself, and I went to great lengths to do so, although the why baffles me.  I could have been Kim.  I loved to sing.  I was always wishing that I would be this great female singer and have a career singing pop.  The difference between us, other than I am 48 and she is 17 (okay, I am American and she is German), is that she never lied or hid anything and pursued her dreams, I was lying and hiding and did not pursue any dreams.  She made friends and did things, I never went to girls and talked to them.

A person that I know tells me, repeatedly, that I should be grateful that (and I quote exactly) "you live in the capital of gays and lesbians." I think that she said "trans freaks" too, but I am not sure on that part, so I will leave the quote as is.  I would say that San Francisco is the capital, not Los Angeles, but okay, point made.  I am happy that I am here in California and the United States, which is more accepting than other areas on this planet, but it might as well have been the moon for me, as I never did what I should have.  There is no reason that Kim Petres could not have been my story.  I was never afraid of being tossed out in the street.

Cheers.

[sarahla]

What does "Reputation" mean? I see that I have zero, whereas others have "2" or "22" in some cases.  What changes that?

Thanks in advance.

[JoanneTV]

Hi Sarah, and Welcome!

[Elsa]

Hi Sarah, welcome to Susan's ...

I must say that your story sounds strangely like my own ...I remember when I was in kindergarten (cant remember how old) I read/saw somewhere that if I made a wish at midnight on Christmas eve, God would grant my wish ,... I stayed up all night and at midnight sneaked into the kitchen/dining room (we had a small home/apartment) and prayed that he would make me a girl ... sadly that didn't happen but there is a saying that my family believes in "God helps those who help themselves" ...
edit: I cant remember how old I was but I remember I was in kindergarten during that year...

Reputation can be awarded/given if you feel that the person's post deserves it ... (or smited if the person has been mean, cruel, etc..) once you complete 50 post that option becomes available to you.. if you have been awarded/smited reputation then it will show on your reputation received on your profile (if given to someone then on the given option)

Hope you find all the love, care, support and everything else you are looking for!
::hugs::

[sarahla]

Hi Vibes6,

Kindergarten is at 5-years old and is the school year before the 1st grade.  Kintergarten is usually a half day thing, unless you go to private school, such as a Montessori.

Yes, God helps those that help themselves.  That is a famous idiom.  I would say a cop-out in some sense and true in others.  One does have to help themselves, but it does take a village too.  Hillary is another hero of mine.  She got a bum wrap with the medical thing.

Thanks for the welcome.

We are all old enough now to help ourselves, although sometimes that is easier said than done.  I am curious how many would say that overcoming childhood trauma is one of the hardest things that one can do in life.  I guess that depends on the individual.

[annette]

Hi Sarah
you can't get figure out why you where not as Kim, well, like you said you are 48 and kim is 17
It's a different time, more information, not only for us but also for the people whe know so they have heard about the phenomen even without struggling their gender themselves
it's more open now and scientist have recognized the problem of transseuality.
In the old days you where just a fool when you said something like that and nobody wanted to be seen like an idiot or worse.
But now it's your time to take your opportunities and you can take all the advantages of it.
Don't be said about the things in your historie because every minute you be said about your past, you can count off of your future.

a lot of happiness

hug
annette

[Emmanuelle]

Hi there Sarah,

Wow, that's an introduction

It's so recognizable. Guess we children from the 60ies share the same hickups. If only we had internet and the flow of information which exists today...

Good to see you here!

Love,
Emma

[Mrs Erocse]

Seems like allot of people have let you see how wonderful it is  here and how nice they are. 
~Hugs~
Mrs. Erocse

[sarahla]

Hi Annette and Emma (and others),

Yes, I am sad about the past.  I am not sad that I am not 16 anymore.  I am fine about my age and would not want to be otherwise.  My issue was that I was stupid.  I had the same dreams as Kim, but she lived her life without fear, whereas I let fear guide most of my life. Kim Petres did not.

You said that in the '60's and '70s there was a lack of information and had there been the internet things would have been different.  I am not sure on that.  If I were 16 now, I honestly do not know if things would be any different.  I was afraid of my own shadow.  I knew enough about LGBT issues.  Heck, I was the one that at age of 11 (5th grade) wanted to go to an endocrinologist and take hormones.  I did not know that word, endocrinologist, but I knew that there was a hormone doctor.

I still have to overcome fear guiding my life.  That is still a dark cloud over my head, just less of one.

Even if I did not have fear, I am still not sure that I would follow Kim's path, because I would like children too, not that I have them yet.

I remember being 16.  I heard so much about that age and the High School Prom.  I had dreams of being asked to the high school prom and wearing a dress.  I watched television more than likely that night.  I still have not danced.  I got so unlucky in that department.  Only I can get that lucky.  (You do not know the full story.)

Yes, there is the future and a happier one.  I am working towards that end.  The recession did not help matters any, of course in the computer field (engineering) the recession started in 1982 (I graduated in '84/'85) and is still going strong.  I read today in Business Week that GE will create 1000 in China and eliminate them here.

I will end this entry with the statement that if I were to wake up tomorrow in a female body (or say in a couple of years the harder way on my own) and the children issue would be solved nicely, I would still be upset and not happy.  It is impossible to flip a switch and be happy, when I have been unhappy for 48 years.

Having a partner / spouse, who only slowly becomes accepting of trans issues, hates dancing, hates music, hates opera, wants to wear a wig (religious reasons, weird), etc., etc.  How can anyone dislike The Phantom of the Opera and then sympathize with the person that Christine married?  I did not think that was even possible.  Well, taking corrective therapy off the table of ideas is making progress.

The journey continues.

Engage! ;-) (or you can think "Make it so!"

[Emmanuelle]

Hi Sarah,

You said that in the '60's and '70s there was a lack of information and had there been the internet things would have been different.  I am not sure on that. 

You're right, I was injecting it with "Europeanness" (or how does one say that ). I grew up in the secure setting of a middle class family in a small town in a fairly devout part of catholic Belgium. In a place and a time where worlds of boys and girls were strictly separated (separate schools, separate sport clubs, separate you-name-it). Though mixed environments did exist, they were considered more "lower class", so they were discouraged as places to be/go. I can't blame my parents for that, it was not an active strategy of theirs, it was just how society worked.

Love,
Emma

[annette]

Hi Sarah
you've explained a lot to me, I do understand better what you mean by now.
anyway, your journey has started now, and there is nothing and nobody who can stop it.
Go for it girl, and fulfill your dreams.
I wish you a smooth journey and a lot of happiness.

hugs
annette

[sarahla]

Thanks for the nice comments.  Nobody can stop it, but people and society can help slow it down.  I need to focus on the future, but it still bugs me all the decades that got wasted; ho hum.

[veck]

Hey Sarahia,

veck is just a nickname, it is not related to my real name whatsoever. At this moment, I am in the very beginning of exploring my female side. I have ignored these feelings for a very long time, not knowing what they mend. So thanks for your answers, I read your story with interest. Some details I can recognize, it appears that the feeling to be a girl is not that strong as you (have) experience(d). But my feelings are true. This situation puts my in a fragile position, so I prefer to use a nickname instead of my real name. Hopefully, that will be possible in the future.

Btw, you look great on the avatar / profile picture

I look forward to future posts!

Hugs!!