So it has been a while since I have posted anything new with the exception of a few replies on the board. I have been ridiculously busy the past few weeks. Dan and I are moving this weekend, our lease was up at our current residence last month, but we decided to stay an extra month. We are moving in with two of my friends who just bought a home and could use a little help with the mortgage, so we were giving them a month to settle in before we come to stay for probably a year. Between trying to get prepared to move and dealing with a million other things I feel like I haven't had a spare minute to sit down and sort out my thoughts.
I'm super stressed for Christmas, I have hardly started my shopping and Christmas is already 15 days away! Yikes. Add to that my being sick, both of our kittens being sick (two forms of antibiodics orally twice a day, it's a dream *note the sarcasm*), and the stress of getting ready to move/executing the move this weekend and I am just a ball of sunshine and neuroses.
Other than that though, things have been... better? I
NEVER want to experience what I felt in the month of October ever again. Dan and I have been talking more and fighting less, which makes me happier than you can know. Last Friday he asked me to accompany him to his therapy appointment with Alexis Lake, a transgendered woman who works as a therapist and advocate for transgendered people. She was absolutely wonderful. She was kind, funny, and so easy to talk to! She also offered to charge the same rate for us for couples therapy as she does for his individual sessions which is a blessing for us at the moment. She spent the first 20 minutes or so talking to me more than Dan, just to get to know me a little better, and so that we could get comfortable communicating.
Alexis was not only easy to talk to, but she really listened to me. She asked me what my concerns were and why. She never pressured for an answer, nor did she make me feel like I was silly for any of the feelings I was having. It was funny because when we first sat down, she in an armchair, and Dan and myself on the loveseat across from her, Dan was sitting somewhat rigidly, straight up. After the first 25-30 minutes he
finally leaned back and over to me which we both noticed, and she pointed out. He didn't seem to notice that he had done that. She jokingly asked what she could do to get him to that state from the first minute of the session.
During our meeting Alexis asked me what I wanted in a relationship. I told her that I want a partner. I want children someday, and I want a husband. I started to get teary when I was telling her this, and Dan reached over to hold my hand. I told her I wasn't sure that Dan wants that same thing, and that I am his friend first and foremost, that if I can't have that with him it will break my heart, but I won't stand in the way of him pursuing something he needs to do. Alexis then asked him what he wants out of life, and he told her he still isn't 100% certain. She started to ask him hypothetical questions, which (as I already know) Dan never can answer. I explained my 'Dan Consequence Theory' to her (i.e. if he isn't being bit in the butt he isn't going to move, and once that stimulus goes away he puts the notion of it to rest until it happens again). She seemed somewhat confused by his indifferent attitude, which he and I discussed on the way home. He is a confusing person sometimes.
She was glad to know that I was a bit more knowledgeable about TG/TS than some significant others thanks to all of my lovely friends here at Susan's.
She told me that I need to know what my boundaries are, as one would in any relationship, when it comes to Dan's discovery of his true self. I told her that at the moment I feel that HRT is what I feel my breaking point would be. She didn't make me feel completely awful when I said that either. I still feel as though I shouldn't feel that way, but I do... Dan has another appointment with her on the 17th. I don't know if he wants me to join him for that appointment, or if he is going alone. Either way I am happy. I feel as though we have made progress. As a couple, and as friends, I feel as though we have grown closer. To me that is the best thing I could ask for.
Sorry if this is rambly. It's been about a week since the session and I am trying to pull bits and pieces from my foggy memory.
*hugs*
Jacquelyn
