How should I feel about my dad ?

[erocse]

Well it's been about three months now since I was outed to my family and since I have come out to everyone I know. Across the board everyone has been great. Except my bothers and sister and parents. I have gotten over the loss of my brothers and sister. They were so competitive and sarcastic about everything, every time we got together. I just don't miss that at all. In fact it's a bit of a relief for me now. It's my parents I can't get over. My mother has the early onset of Alzheimer disease. So she will pretty much follow in what ever my father suggests.

   When my father first heard of me being transgender. It wasn't good, to say the least. He is very religious. But since then Patty and I have furnished him with written proof that his religion can not and does not condemn a person like me.

   That being said . Every conversation I have had with him has ended badly. It always ends with " we just want the old you back"  " we loved the old you"  " the old you was so nice"  blah, blah, blah. Every time it's the same thing.  Then I explain to him , the old me drank everyday, stayed cooped up at home, wouldn't socialize with anybody, couldn't even order for myself at Starbucks. It's like a broken record. We have the same conversation / argument every time.

   I have always been the responsible party when it can to my relationship with my parents. I made all the phone calls. I made all the plans when it came time to visit. It's been over a month now since we last spoke. For a week now I have been walking around everyday saying " I have to give my dad a call" the problem is, he makes me feel so bad about myself.  Life is so good for me right now. I love my wife, my children, my friends and the family I have left. When  I call my dad he is the one person that can make me feel bad.

  I guess I can just let it go and not call him and let him make the next move ? I am afraid if I do that , time will pass and he will eventually just forget about me.       

  The other issue is a bit more complicated. I have been full time now for  two months. Thanks to my wife Patty everyone refers to me as "her" or "she" and calls me Roxy. This makes me very happy. On the other hand, when it comes to my parents. I don't know how to feel about this. I mean I want to present as myself (female) if and when I see them and I would prefer them to refer to me as Roxy. But I am torn I also don't want to ask that much of them. I know that doesn't make sense . I can't stand the idea of seeing them while presenting my old male self. Then again I don't want to put them through having to be uncomfortable around me as I am now. So I guess I feel like just avoiding the situation all together by not seeing them, but I know this would not be a permanent solution.

   Rambling I know and I know the answer is a simple one I just cant seem to come up with at the moment.

  Hugs, Roxy

[ToriJo]

I mean I want to present as myself (female) if and when I see them and I would prefer them to refer to me as Roxy. But I am torn I also don't want to ask that much of them. I know that doesn't make sense . I can't stand the idea of seeing them while presenting my old male self. Then again I don't want to put them through having to be uncomfortable around me as I am now. So I guess I feel like just avoiding the situation all together by not seeing them, but I know this would not be a permanent solution.

For what it's worth, it does make sense, but I'd think that to have a long term relationship they are going to need to come to grips with who you are.  You can give them resources, suggest ways they can remember, etc, but at the end of the day they either want to recognize their daughter or not.  It sounds like you've already tried to give them all the help that you can give them, without pretending to be the son they seem to imply they wanted instead of their daughter.  I do think it's fair to say, "I'm only interested in continuing the relationship if I get to be part of it.  You don't have a son, and I won't get anything out of the relationship pretending to be the son you want."

I don't have a lot of suggestions on how to handle it, other than to say that I can see why you would be hurt, and feel that anyone in your situation would be hurt as well.

[Janet_Girl]

We can not change peoples opinions, we can only stand our ground.   I never told my folks so they never knew.

Just live your life, Roxy, and maybe they will come around.

[Eva Marie]

Roxy-

Your relationship with your dad sounds a lot like my relationship with my parents (although mine has nothing to do with transgender issues).

You cannot change your parents, or affect how they think. And, it's their problem, not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

The sooner you can accept these facts, the sooner you can forgive them and then move on with your life. And just because you forgive them does not mean that suddenly all is forgotten - what has been said and done in the past is still said and done. The forgiveness you give is really more for you than them; an acceptance of sorts of what is and what will never change.

It's really a hard, difficult issue to work through.

[Melody Maia]

I know how you feel about your dad being the only person who can make you feel bad. My mom is the same way. Every time I talk to her, she gives me "support" by saying she will always love me etc., but then she goes on to say how hard things are going to be for me and it makes me feel very depressed. I dread what it will be like when I move there in a couple of weeks. I dread dressing in front of her because I don't know what her reaction will be.

However, I've decided I have to be me at all costs. I would suggest you probably feel the same, but you don't want to hurt your parents at the same time. I had to make that decision for myself at the cost of my marriage. My transition is hurting my wife and son and that kills me, but I cannot be any other way. It sounds like you face something similar with your parents. Maybe them seeing Roxy live and in the flesh, happy and confident, is just the thing that might help? I don't know what else to suggest. Parents, especially very old ones, can be set in their ways. They don't like change and you are presenting them with a big one. I hope their love for you can overcome their resistance. If not, you might need to walk away, and that is heartbreaking. I hope it doesn't come to that.

[CaitJ]

For the non religious, consider this. There is ample evidence to demonstrate that, if you hate your parents, you end up hating yourself. The same thing, essentially.

What a load of crap. Many people have extremely valid reasons to hate their parents. That doesn't mean they hate themselves.

[cynthialee]

You have done what you can.
Step back and wait for him to contact you. Sounds like you have done plenty. If he can not get over something that has no actual impact on him, other than to make him squirm, then he should be ignored.

Just my 2 cents,...

[Tad]

Same issue with dad. Think about it all the time as I come up on starting HRT. Do I compromise and wait and see if he`ll come around and I can do it with his approval or at least indifference.. or do I act now with his disproval, and hope he comes around some day.

:/

[CaitJ]

I'm sorry, but that isn't the case. However, this really isn't the place to be arguing that.

Right, so your father rapes you and hating him for that is a reflection of your SELF hatred?
No. Just...no.

[CaitJ]

I understand Vexing, but a more appropriate forum please.

This is Roxy's thread and I have a feeling she is talking from her heart.

I'm sure that if she has a problem, she'll tell us - and I'll happily remove my posts.

[Colleen Ireland]

I don't know how to feel about this. I mean I want to present as myself (female) if and when I see them and I would prefer them to refer to me as Roxy. But I am torn I also don't want to ask that much of them. I know that doesn't make sense . I can't stand the idea of seeing them while presenting my old male self. Then again I don't want to put them through having to be uncomfortable around me as I am now.

This part jumped out at me in flashing neon.  Because it feels like exactly what I'm going through with my wife.  Until last week, whenever I went somewhere like therapy or the gender workshop or support group, I'd bring everything I needed and either change on the way (in the case of the gender workshop, where I had a 1-hour train ride) or change at my destination.  But this is now becoming impossible - I'm now spending at least 20 minutes on makeup alone, and I should be spending longer than that, lol.  Last week, I went to a support group meeting, and the night before the meeting, I told my wife that I'd be going there, but I'd have to dress at home before I went out.  So when the evening came, she and the kids had arranged to go out to the mall for supper.  So they wouldn't have to deal with seeing me.  My 24-year-old son is the only one who's seen me dressed, and my wife wants no part of it.  But I'm at the stage now where I need to be dressed more often, and go out in more and more situations, and eventually she's just going to have to DEAL with me.  If I may, I think the same dynamic is there with your father.  I totally understand how you feel.  I (desperately) want my wife to accept me, to love ME (Colleen), or at the very least to be able to tolerate SEEING me.  But she can't.  And my gut reaction is to try to accommodate her in some way, even at my own expense.

You cannot do that.  You need to be who you are, and if it means your parents can't accept you and don't want to see you, well, that's what it means.  It hurts, terribly, but it is what it is.  Maybe they'll come around eventually (your parents and my wife), and maybe not.  Maybe it's just our cross to bear.  I've heard that the Lord doesn't hand you more than you can handle, and that pain and suffering make you stronger.  That is certainly a test of faith.

[erocse]

You have done what you can.
Step back and wait for him to contact you. Sounds like you have done plenty. If he can not get over something that has no actual impact on him, other than to make him squirm, then he should be ignored.

Just my 2 cents,...

Thanks Cynthia, you may right. And by the way your cousin was right. Jws are supposed to consider  ->-bleeped-<- the same as they consider Smoking and gambling as sins but not a disfellowshipping matter. It has just been my over baring brother and father who think differently.

Hugs, Roxy

[cynthialee]

Yeah my cousin the Elder is almost never wrong on JW policy.

[Sandy]

Roxy:

For later bloomers as ourselves, we spend much of our lives giving of ourselves.  Postponing or denying *anything* for ourselves so that others can be happy.

A step that is almost as difficult as coming out of denial for ourselves is actually taking the stance that this is all about us!  Yes it is SELFISH!  For the possibly the first time in our lives WE COME FIRST!  Everyone else has to either accept us as we are or they can take a hike.  We will go forward with or without them.

Your father believes he can make you change or go back because he has always (or mostly always) gotten his way simply by asking you or browbeating you.  He could play the guilt card to have you bend to his will.  HE could be selfish and you would be giving.  He is obviously stunned that this isn't working.

This is his problem, Roxy, not yours.  It is sad that he cannot or will not understand what is going on in your life.  But it is really for him to work it out.

But the thing is to try not to burn any bridges.  Try to keep the lines of communication open.  Leave the door open for him to understand.

All you can do is give him time and space to work it out.  Things take time and hopefully in the fullness of time he can come to understand that this isn't going away.  And he will see that the *real* you is a much more beautiful person and that he can be proud of his daughter.

-Sandy

[Fancyrabbit]

..

[Ms.Behavin]

It's going to take a bit of time for your dad to see that your just alot happier now.  It might take 6 months or years. Ok he might never come around.  But I believe in time it's possible he will.  My southern baptist aunts still talk to me so it can happen.  My Ex on the other hand, but then she hated me BEFORE I transitioned, so no love lost there.  Like Sandy said leave the door open.  But be who you are. 

Ha, yes once the jenny is out of the bottle,  it's really hard to put her back in.  Like thats not going to happen.  Been there...  Hang in there..

Beni

[sonopoly]

I would definitely still do what you're doing as far as your progress is concerned and be the best you you can be.  I wouldn't worry so much about making them uncomfortable, especially if it's just the immediate family that will be around.  I think that they just need time to get used to the new you.  I've found that the more exposure people get to something new, the more "normal" it will feel to them.  I mean after seeing something spectacular constantly, it no longer is spectacular.  I would make a point of trying to visit them when they don't have outsiders around or rather only people that accept you.  It will make it easier for them to accept you themselves.  You can start widening the circle after that.

I'm sure it is very, very difficult for your father to accept.  I wouldn't fault him for this, but give him some time and understanding as you wish him to do for you.  Your family needs to mourn their son, and then slowly get to know their new daughter and realize you're still the same person.

I wish you much luck with this.  You are a dear and lovable person.  Their love for you will hopefully overcome any other feelings they may have.  Take it slow and gentle.

[annette]

Hello dear friend

I recognized a lot in your story, my parents rejected me too when they heard about my plans of having transition.
It is hard, I know all about it.
My father reconsider it and became a nice father for me but it has taken years for him to get to that point.
My mother never accepted the fact that I was a girl and when she died of cancer there where so many things unspoken that it gave me a bad feeling about it.
I wish we could have talked more but there was no chance to it because of her refusing.
You are in the same situation, and it is a fact you can not change the way people are thinking.
You want to be the good child, craving for the love of your parents, and feeling bad when you do not get that just because you are what you are.
I am so sorry for you Roxy and sorry for your parents because they don't seems to see what a lovely daughter they have.
They will missing a lot of their reborn child, but that is their choice, you do not have a choice than being the one that you are.
You could say to your father, my door ajar, it is not closed, you just have to push a little to open it and you are inside.
The choice of open it will be on your fathers side, you have done every thing you could do.
but to betray yourself and everything you stand for   to have contact with your father is a bridge too far.
If your father has griefs about losing his son, it is understandable and you can help him with that and give comfort but If he only wants to have contact with you when you giving up girlhood, that is impossible. That is what he need to understand.
And for the record, I never knew the old Roxy but I love the current one.

Lots of love
annette