suicidal

[kyril]

I'm struggling with a lot of stuff right now. Not speciffically trans-related, although transitioning is making it more difficult - I'm having financial problems, housing problems, academic problems...everything. I'm not coping very well. And while I haven't had the intrusive/unwanted suicidal thoughts since starting T, I'm starting to have a different sort of problem - starting to feel like it would just be easier to die. It all seems too hard and I want to give up.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't really talk to people in real life about anything important. I don't know how to stop pretending everything's fine. Feeling like I have to get help...that's just one more thing on the pile of things to be done that I'm too stressed to actually be able to do.

I don't really want anything from you guys. I just needed to put this in words.

[Renate]

Kyril, I see by your ticker that you've only just started on testosterone.
The first couple of months of switching gears can be a bit of a roller coaster.

Maybe you should do a little less pretending around you that things are Ok.
Everybody needs someone to talk to.

I know it seems like the whole world is ganging up on you at the same time.
Hang in, it can get better.

[Mrs Erocse]

Dear Kyril I am sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. I have admired your style and personality since coming to Susan's.  It is difficult to put stressful thoughts into words and to even share them sometimes.

I am glad you are able to write to us at Susan's.  I know you are very well thought of here and cared for. You are always kind and supportive of everyone else. ( Your posts are always well thought out and balanced. I have always thought of you among the wise people here.)

Life is so difficult sometimes. There are so many positive things in life to stay for but getting past the dark and difficult times is key. If you would like to send an email to me I would be happy to correspond with you. Or we can talk if you prefer on the phone.

Wishing for you a better day and hope things are better soon.

Many big, big, big, hugs.
Patty

[Hermione01]

I don't know exactly what to say Kyril, but I've been where you are and what has gotten me through it is to take one day at a time.

Sounds simple I know, but whenever I thought too far ahead about anything, finances, being alone etc. I would be so overwhelmed with hopelessness, I became suicidal.  I finally reached out and got help.  Maybe it is time to reach out and get some help now.  Don't suffer alone Kyril. 

I know a lot people care about you, here and where you are, so please make that call.

[JennaLee]

Kyril

Most of life is ok, some of it sucks, and some of it is damn fun!  Do the best you can.  Maybe you could take fewer courses?  Give yourself some 'me' time.

You are not alone my friend!

[Jacquelyn]

Kyril-

I have not been as active here as I would like to be with posting, but I do read most of the threads that pop up on the feed. I have always enjoyed your posts as they are articulate, intelligent, and sometimes humorous underneath. What you are dealing with is not ideal, but what is?

I can relate to the issues (sans being trans, but adding a SO that is) you are facing, and I agree it is hard. Some mornings I just want to bury my head and cry because it all seems so repetitive. But, every once in a while I have a day that is wonderful and I can't imagine not living to feel that way.

One thing I did realize is that I don't really have a hobby or anything calming that is just for me. I recently started looking for beginners knitting or crocheting classes near our new home. If I can't find one of those, or if I am just plain awful at both I think I will find a local book club to join. Just something that can get my mind off of the things that make me so crazy sometimes. I know that one of the things recommended on Susan's (for those who are comfortable and ready) is to meet up with transpeople in the area you live in. Your struggle is unique, but better understood by other transpeople than cis folk. If that is not appealing to you at the moment, and you feel more comfortable just being here at Susan's, then why not try out a new hobby?

I hope that you can find the strength to overcome those negative feelings, because Kyril, you are a beautiful person. You have so much to offer with you compassion and intellect. I know that we at Susan's appreciate you greatly, and that though things are difficult now you will do something amazing one day.

Hugs and Love,

Jacquelyn

[xAndrewx]

Hey man just wanted to say that I hope things start getting better soon. You're an awesome guy who always has a great advice and on here you always are sharing stuff even if it's personal to help which is amazing. I wish there were more people in the world like you. I really hope it all works out for you. 

[LilDoberman]

I'm really, really sorry you're having such a hard time because I love your posts and have enjoyed getting to know you a little bit through the site.   

Sometimes, when the world is crashing down I've had to simply write everything down that needed done and figure out what was going to be number 1, then forget the rest of the list and force myself to do something, anything to get working on number 1.  It's very easy to be so overwhelmed that we're practically nonfunctional.

Good luck.

[kyril]

Thanks everyone.

LilDoberman: Yeah, that's pretty much it. I don't multitask well.

[LilDoberman]

Me neither.  I used to think that it's a huge character flaw and that everyone else in the world was be able to function except me.   Now I know that almost everyone is that way and I try not to beat myself up about it.  The longer you put things off, the harder they are but I've found that since almost everyone does the same thing, they're pretty understanding about it.  Good luck man.

[Lacey Lynne]

Kyril:

One day at a time.  Maybe one hour at a time. 

"Never, never, never, never give up!"
   ---   Sir Winston Churchill

"Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld.  For by means of this the men of old times had witness borne to them."
   ---   Hebrews 11:1 (The Bible)

"As a man thinks, so is he."
   ---   Jesus of Nazareth

At times like this, concentrate on things to be thankful for, and there are lots of them.  Been there.  Done this.  Know it.  You're letting sunshine into the deep darkness by doing this.  That's the remedy.  Let the "sunshine" grow.

Man, yours is a first-rate intellect with top-shelf ideas, and you express them so very well.  Many times, you have rocked our world here on Susan's Place.  You're The Real Deal, bro.  Everybody has problems ... EVERYBODY.  That's life.  Nobody is immune.  You CAN overcome this. 

Private message anybody on here that you can really relate to.  They'll surely help you.  Some folks on here are willing to exchange phone numbers and talk live if that's what you want to do.  Reach out.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's just a good thing to do. 

One day at a time.  You can do this. 

   Lacey

[justmeinoz]

Like the others above i have been impressed with your understanding of trans issues, and your explanations for the newcomers to the site.
Depression is a mongrel illness, but it can be beaten, so please stick around and keep us company. I took over 40 years to get on top of mine, but when I started I had a lot less resources, and certainly nothing like this site.  Your answers to questions here have been a big part of my recovery.
Just take one thing, and one day at a time, and you will come out ok.
All the best for now, Sandra.

[Jamie-o]

You are definitely not alone.  A few years back, I was in a similar position.  I was stuck in a job I hated, couldn't pay my bills, felt isolated and overwhelmed.  Even just getting everyday chores done seemed like a monumental task, and thinking about anything I had to do beyond dragging myself to work and back was likely to send me into a spiral of despair, bordering on a panic attack.

What helped me immensely was talking to my GP and getting on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds.  Of course, medication is not the answer for everyone, and sometimes it takes a few false starts to find the right one, but if you are in a position to do so, I highly recommend talking to your doctor.  They won't think less of you, and they may be able to help.  You don't have to live with depression and anxiety. 

In the mean time, hang in there.  You are an intelligent, level-headed man, and you have the strength to make it through.  As they say, "This, too, shall pass."  Good luck.