supporting 5 weeks post-op - anybody else?

[Ruby]

Hello fellow SO's!

My Beloved had SRS in Thailand 5 weeks ago. I am wondering if there are any other spouses here at Susan's who are in the role of nurse for their partner? Or any who have done it in the past who would like to share? I'm doing basically okay, but it is a bit hard being in this role of providing support for someone who is in pain and has limited mobility.

It might be easier if I were working, but I am retired; my main passion is in developing a small organic farm, but I have joined my partner here in Seattle for the winter. She moved here to work on her transition; we'll head back to our farm in June, though I will go in April at the beginning of the growing season. In the meantime, I am spending lots of time on Susan's and reading Leslie Feinberg's Stone Butch Blues, along with shopping, cooking, checking dilation depths, fetching this and that, helping keep track of medications, and making generally encouraging remarks.

Anybody have any words of wisdom or inspiration?
Hopefully,
Ruby

[Sarah B]

Hi Rubywendt

Although I'm not SO.  I would assume you would be among the extremely few SO that have remained with their partners and one of the rare and most compassionate people who would help their partner through the surgery and after.

To me you are doing, everything correctly and why is that?  You are there with your partner, supporting  and helping her to recover from her surgery and getting her back on her feet.  Also you are sitting back and taking out time for yourself as well.

Your partner is lucky in the sense that she has someone to help her.  Not like me when I had my surgery nearly 20 years ago.  I only had a couple of friends and I was back at work in two weeks.  So basically I had no support in that sense.

The ability of one to recover from such surgery depends on a many factors and I'm sure there are some people here on Susan's who have had similar problems as your partner is having now.  Give it time and help her when she needs it.  I'm sure she will be herself soon and back up on her feet in no time.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Ruby]

Thank you Sarah.

[spacial]

Sorry, your second non-SO. I just can't resist adding something.

From a surgical point of view, all she needs is to follow Drs instructions, regarding rest, then to get back to that farm of yours.

Fresh air, some of that amazing food, lots of clean water and moderate exercise.

It's a given that, as we get older, our bodies take a bit longer to repair. But if her Dr has said it's OK, she really should be trying to get about a bit now. Early Ambulation has been the standard in surgery since the early 70s. It works.

You don't mention complications, so I'm assuming there aren't any. But the countryside is going to be a whole lot better than a city. Even a wonderful city like Seattle. I'm positive her Dr will agree.

As for emotional problems, if any, I hope some will advise.

I will also add that your lifestyle, Seattle and an organic farm sounds absolutely wonderful.

[Sarah B]

Hi Rubywendt

Your most welcome and I would agree with what Spacial said.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[envie]

Hello Ruby,

if you didn't know here in town we have a gender center. They meet every wednesday evening at Seattle Counseling Services.
There might be people who would have some experience regarding recovering and care after the SRS.

If you are looking for things to do that might be just a nice change from the nursing duties you have to do I could probably suggest you one or the other thing to do here in Seattle. If you would be interested we could even get together for a cup of coffee or grab a snack at the local farmers market or something.

I would PM you my contact info so feel free to let me know!

'wish your partner good recovery!

[Ruby]

from Spatial (sorry, I can't seem to figure out the copy thing...)
"It's a given that, as we get older, our bodies take a bit longer to repair. But if her Dr has said it's OK, she really should be trying to get about a bit now. Early Ambulation has been the standard in surgery since the early 70s. It works."

We've been taking daily walks around the city - out to lunch mainly. Today we did some shopping at one of her favorite clothing stores: Banana Republic (big sale). That was the farthest she has been (about a mile  one way). She's sleeping now, exhausted but that's fine.

"You don't mention complications, so I'm assuming there aren't any. But the countryside is going to be a whole lot better than a city. Even a wonderful city like Seattle. I'm positive her Dr will agree."

We spent the summer in the country when she was recovering from FFS. It was warm and pleasant; but she is very sensitive to cold. Our city apartment is a whole lot more comfortable in terms of temperature variation. On the farm, we heat mainly with the woodstove. That means lots of firewood carrying, at least. She ususally handles that. When I am there by myself, I often just bundle up a bit more. So I am happy to be here as far as that goes for now. I miss the farm, but I'll be back there in April full time.

The other reason she needs to be here is to continue her electrolysis; no services on the island. Also, still seeing the gender therapist now and again - also unavailable on the island. So I will stay here with her until Feb 8th (her 2 month post-op mark) when I head up to the farm for about a week to check in with my crew there.

She has had some minor complications; separation in the stitching in the labia minora, as well as a small skin infection that is now being treated with a sulfa antibiotic. We have a great doctor here who is seeing her twice a week for now, and is a wonderful support.


"I will also add that your lifestyle, Seattle and an organic farm sounds absolutely wonderful."

Indeed. Tis that. We are most blessed.

Thank you, spacial, for your kind words and your caring. People on this site and the other one I belong to (transfamily) are very helpful and contribute to my peace of mind. I read some of your posts on your profile to get a better idea of who you are. Interesting. I particularly enjoyed your piece on 40 year boys school reunion. I attended my 40 yr reunion in Sacramento, Calif last October. Quite enjoyable. Chelsea did not come with me, but I did come out to quite a few friends, the ones who had enough space in their lives to hear me. That felt good. Also, I enjoyed the blog on the website of Jenny Boyland (author of She's Not There) who was asked to speak at her all boys school this fall.
That's it for now.
Cheers.
Ruby

[Ruby]

Hi envie,

if you didn't know here in town we have a gender center. They meet every wednesday evening at Seattle Counseling Services.
There might be people who would have some experience regarding recovering and care after the SRS.

I do know about Ingersoll. Thanks for the suggestion.I have attended some of the meetings, including the SO breakout groups. We don't have a car in the city right now; I find getting there a bit of a challenge. Plus, I do not enjoy the groups very much. So many unhappy stories kind of get me down. I have made one friend through the SO group, so that is nice. And I will most likely attend again when we get our car here from Canada. We also have made friends at Emerald City Social Club. Do you know about them?

If you are looking for things to do that might be just a nice change from the nursing duties you have to do I could probably suggest you one or the other thing to do here in Seattle. If you would be interested we could even get together for a cup of coffee or grab a snack at the local farmers market or something.

I would PM you my contact info so feel free to let me know.

I'd love to get together for coffee or whatever. Even meet your wife and baby? I read some of your posts to get to know a bit more about you. Very interesting post on the subject of sexual attraction. This is very close to the heart of me and Chelsea. We used to have a varied and enjoyable sex life; that has not been the case since HRT. We are hoping that after the healing from SRS is complete, that we will both have enough "congruence" that we can proceed to enjoy each other using a bisexual model. I feel open to that possibility, though, of course, it is all a big unknown presently.

She also feels things towards men that she never felt as a man; we have an understanding that polyamory might be a possibility for us. We might need and want a man in our lives but we feel that it would have to be someone who could enjoy both of us, because we are so committed to each other. That someone would have to be very special to take us both on! Again, big unknown. And I am okay with that.

So, by all means, PM me so we can get together.
Thanks for caring.
Ruby

[spacial]

Ruby.

Thank you so much for your response.

It really sounds like everything in under control.

I'm imagining collecting firewood for a stove. The last time I did that was the 60s when living in Norfolk. There were numerous, disused air raid shelters left by the US air forces. Many had stoves in them. We use to go in, light a fire, smoke and generally chill out. Wood gives off so much heat. We were usually freezing when we finally had to head back to school.

As you've probably gathered, this is a big site and often, you need to look around for the places to post. There's also a load of info.There are a lot of post op women here. It's just a matter of chacing them down really.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my back posts. It is really appreciated. That school reunion has been on my mind ever since.

[Sandy]

Ruby:

I have done support for friends of mine.  Check out my blog for my trip to Miami with my friend.

Providing support can be grueling.  It sounds like you are doing just about everything needed for your partner.  Much of this time is just drudgery, but very important.  Your partner has been through some serious trauma and even doing simple tasks can be exhausting.

She should continue to make progress and gain strength with each passing day.  But it will be some time before she feels completely recovered.

Thank you for your support for her.  You are an angel!

-Sandy

[helios502]

Hi Ruby,

Me, too! My partner had surgery on December 9th (top). So I also have been in nurse mode, though really everything has gone exceptionally well surgery-wise, and she's recovering very well (still using the female pronoun for now). It has been a challenge for us in some ways because it's only in the past 2 weeks that we've realized how much she has felt she has to go through this alone, and I have gotten in touch with how left out I have felt (and guilty for feeling that way, since I really want to be supportive). We've realized how all the transitioning stuff, even the standards of care at our local clinic, speak to trans' relationship to work, to school, to everyone but family. And in our case, we have been together for 13 years and have a 4 year old son. Somehow it's as if families don't exist in relationship to trans people. And neither one of is wants to leave the relationship, and are doing the best we can to weather the challenges, which have to do with a) communication b) loss of her libido c) my anxiety over her possible change in sexual orientation to gay man. Despite this, I feel optimistic that we will figure it all out. But truly I have never been in such unmapped territory before, so I just want to say I wish you and your partner the best of luck and perseverence. Let's beat the odds about relationships breaking up around transitions! best, Helios

[Ruby]

Hi Helios,
I am so happy to hear from you! We spouses are such an endangered species. You are the only one to respond to this post so far who has not been trans. Not that I don't appreciate the post from the trans folks, but, but... well, the cisgendered need to be heard too.

  Somehow it's as if families don't exist in relationship to trans people.

I know what you mean by this. I went to the big trans convention in Atlanta this year hoping to meet other spouses and get some encouragement about reinventing a sex life, but what I found was a handful of spouses who sat around sharing with a facilitator, which was nice, but limited. There were no classes for spouses even though I paid tuition. When I went to one of the seminars on sexuality and maintaining a sex life, not only was it oriented soley to the trans woman, it basically assumed that she would switch from being female attracted to being male attracted. Finally, toward the end of the seminar, the speaker said "oh, if you are female attracted, that is lesbian, well that's okay." Gosh, thanks! I thought. We were further slighted by not being included in the "what category are you?" section of the evaluation form. We were to circle are you CD, TS, GQ, TG, MTF, FTM, and I don't remember what other letters they threw in, but nothing saying SO.

I'm not sure what to think of this phenomenon. One theory I have mused over is that so many TS have been hurt by their spouses completely freaking out that the population as a whole has taken on 1.) guilt for "causing us pain", 2.) avoidance (ie if we don't even think about spouses, we won't have to remember how many marriages have been lost). But whatever the excuses or pains, there are also so many trans people who express their gratitude for us - their appreciation for the work we do to make the relationship work.

What part of the world do you live in? I see you embrace the word "queer." Are you on the west coast? I had a discussion the other night on chat with someone who was offended by the use of the word. I also embrace it, figuring that owing it is empowering. It seems like your queer sex life (I think I read that in one of your other posts...) would help you to get through the need of your partner perhaps having to, at least experiment with gay men. My partner has expressed interest in experimenting with hetero men but we have agreed that we would do that together. That might not be possible in your case since a gay man might not be willing to engage with a female attracted woman. But as you  say, if you can keep the communication open and flowing, you will get through. It's scary though, huh...

I hope her libido returns with the settling in of the testosterone. Most people experience an increased libido so I guess it is just a matter of time, and then hoping she will still be turned on by you. We have not had sex in more than 7 weeks now, with at least another month to go. SRS is more invasive that way than top surgery I guess. I miss it, but my own libido is way down now that I am post-meopausal.

Have you talked with your 4 year old yet? I don't have any experience with young ones as all of mine are over 19 (and no grandkids yet), but I hear they are accepting.

It's nice to hear your optimism. I also feel hopeful that we will figure out all the pieces. I am quite willing to identify as lesbian or bisexual. The truth for me is really that I am Chelsea-sexual, only attracted to her at this time in my life. I am grateful for my openness there, however because I see many spouses suffering because of their strong attachment to their perceived sexuality. I am more malleable, thank the goddess.

So yes! Let's beat the odds. Warmly,
Ruby

[bimale4fun25]

Ruby, no doubt you will be the odds, your a very strong person. I don't think it's a lesbian or bisexual issue because Chelsea is the same person you married 21 years ago. You where attracted to that person and in love with that person you married and you both still want to commit to the relationship which is great. Chelsea is still the same person today, only difference is now she has a Vagina and not a Penis, and a much happier person. I am sure once Chelsea is healed, you both will have a great sex life because you are commited to one another. I think you both communicate well to each other and express your feelings to one another very well. I know you stated that Chelsea has expressed an interest to expeirment with men to you, and i see nothing wrong with it because i know she is probally very curious about having sex with a man as a woman now. I commend Chelsea for being honest and upfront with you on this issue, but it's better then being blindsided in the end.  No doubt Chelsea sexual orintation shifted some what during her transistiong at no fault of hers due to the Hrt. Chelsea is beginning to  have different feelings and sexual attractions towards men that she never expierenced as a man or even thought about. We need to remember that Chelsea views men in a different way now that she is a woman then she did when she was a man. I know this is a very delicate and complex issue that nobody really understands but maybe Chelsea and yourself thru communicating with each other. I think your a strong person and i applaud both of you by agreeing to do this together and giving Chelsea the oppertunity to expierence what will be special for both of you. Im sure when the time is right and Chelsea is ready to lose her new female virginity, you will be the first to know about it,lol. I hope  Chelsea is healing fine and i wish you both the very best luck on your journey.  Thanks

[helios502]

Dear Ruby,

Thanks for your long and informative post. I was especially interested to learn of how invisible you found SOs to be at a trans conference--what is that all about? I have never been to one but my goodness, isn't it obvious that lots of trans people are in loving relationships? Do they HAVE to end? I do realize there is a longer history of extreme freak out by spouses, especially from what I understand, spouses of mtfs, and horror stories of losing custody of kids, etc. But is this for all spouses, especially those of ftms? I don't think so. Why assume the worst case scenario, and distance the tranistioning person from their spouse? I am not sure what this is all about, but I never in a million years thought I would have to take on the medical/trans-support communities to fight for the maintenance of my marriage. It's a weird blind-spot. In my case, both my partner and I are patients in an LGBTQ clinic in Toronto, and though I have been generally extremely happy with the care, neither the two doctors nor the two nurses I have met with have ever tried to connect me with any resources, or discuss the situation, even they are all working with my partner, also. Instead, they recommend SSRIs.  Which I probably need, but really---a little inclusion and communication would be nice, rather than feeling like a pathologized 'problem' getting in the way of the trans person and his/her journey. In my case, i am doing all the heavy lifting on the family front, from nursing to childcare to cooking and shopping, dressing changes, oil on the scars, building up my partner, booking massages, all the rest. And she is also on leave, fortunately.

We have only had sex three times in the last 6 months, and she's not wanted too, really. Basically mercy >-bleeped-<s. Which are better than nothing. I am not sure how much longer I can hold out here honestly. It does seem to be all about her, and not much is coming back, and I guess after 6 months of no intimacy and a lot of fear that she's transitioning to a gay man, I need reassurance from her. But when I ask for reassurance, even non-sexual, in the mildest way, she perceives it as a demand and withdraws, making the problem worse.

I was optimistic a few days ago; today less so. But as you probably know, its up and down, up and down. I can't seem to get any clear info on when libido kicks in with T, either. But I think this is a straw I have been grasping for which now in the context of everything else seems not as important as it once was.

As for where I live: Toronto. And I am very open sexually. I was with men, and women, and whatever. I identified as a lesbian simply because that was the times. And I am very turned on my aby sort of queer masculinity. So on that front, I am all set--her new chest is hot, hot hot. But whether she thinks my old chest, tits and all, is hot hot hot, is an entirely different questions.

Anyway, Ruby, hang in there. I am rooting for you and Chelsea!! I hope all four of us make it. Best, helios

[bimale4fun25]

Helious502, your a very corageous person, and i understand your frustrations. Transistioning can be tough on both parties, not just the person transistioning. Relationships, familys are torn apart by this and nobody comes out a winner. I give you credit in trying to stay in the relationship and doing everything in your power to make it work. Most people would leave in a heart beat, very few stay behind to try to make it work and that is sad. Your partner needs to open up her feelings to you more and realize it's not just about her, but it's about both of you. To make a relationship work you both need to communicate and express your feelings to one another and find a happy medium that will work for both of you. I know when a person decides to transistion, it feels like a bomb has been dropped on the SO. The transistion person become isolated, the So person become isolated, and you begin to question yourself where i went wrong. Transexualism and Sexual Orientation are the two hardest thing to figure out, and everyone seems they have an answer for it. You have opions,, surveys, ect, but nobody seems to come up with the right answer.  The person dealing with these issues don't really understand themselves, they are only going by what thier brain is telling them and what thier feelings are telling them. You can try to supress them feelings, but they are not going to go away, but only get stronger. The two biggest questions people ask are 1) Why Me....... it is not your fault or the transistioner. 2) What are other people going to think about us, esspecially if you are a same sex couple now.......WHO CARES!!!!!!. You entered into that relationship becaused you loved that person from the inside and not from the outside, so why should it matter if they have a newly Penis or Vagina. They are still the same person you loved and it shouldn't matter what they have between the legs, plus you can work around that too. You both need to surround yourselfs with people that are going to support you and not drive a wedge in your relationship. I know it's going to take a lot of hard work, but i think you both can make it work. You need to give and take and learn it's not about one of you, it's about BOTH of you. I wish you both the best of luck on your journey togeather.              Paul