Hello. I found these forums because someone posted part of a blog (Wordpress, which tells you links that were clicked to your blog) that I do, a post regarding Class Society and Transphobia, in the News & Opinion section. Funny how things work out.
I guess I should start by saying my story is atypical in terms of where transgendered people are coming from. I read a lot about people just knowing and struggling since they were young... and it hasn't turned out to be that way for me. But I feel so deeply that I want to be female (not in a fetishism kind of way)... I guess I have to explain.
I remember being a teenager (probably a good ten years ago) and wanting to crossdress badly. It was like this bottled up urge that I finally faced... I had nothing to crossdress into, so I DIDN'T, but I did get in contact with a trans-girl online who told me "well, if you haven't felt this struggle since you were young, then you probably aren't transgendered." I was frustrated, not knowing what I was, and left it at that. I figured I was gender androgynous (definitely not particularly male).
Maybe I've been keeping it bottled up, because looking back for years now, there's little things that indicate this to me... that I'm transgendered. I'm attracted to women, but "checking them out" is half attraction half admiration. I've always liked the idea of the stereotypical "protected" rather than "protector" role in relationships. I've always wanted to cross-dress but never invested the money in it... but that just doesn't seem like enough to me. I want it to always be like that. Part of me hates wearing makeup, because I look like a guy wearing makeup. I'm not disgusted by my body, but it just doesn't feel good enough. If you'd have asked me, at any given time, if I could be male or female, I'd choose female immediately, without question. To me, being a guy is like playing minor league baseball. It works alright and I get by, but it just isn't the majors. And that's what I'm after.
This all came slamming into me recently. I blogged a piece on cross-dressing... I remembered my past with it, started evaluating all these little feelings and thoughts that I either passed off or suppressed or something... it's like I put a puzzle together of little pieces of my mind and life, and now, it's like there's no going back. Like I've become honest with myself, really honest, for the first time. An analogy - I'm like a poor person who never knew wealth existed, and now I know... and it's something, if I try hard enough, I can obtain. And I want it badly.
This is all terribly confusing to me, naturally. Which is why I'm glad I found this community. I need all the support I can get, before I lose my mind.
