So, it's been quite some time since I have updated on Susan's. To be honest, it's been so hard to motivate myself to put everything down in writing... I've been depressed, anxious, and things have just been in such disarray that I feel like I don't even know where to start. That said, I apologize in advance because I don't know how coherent this post is going to be.
To start, my partner, Dan, has decided he no longer wishes for me to be a part of his life. After a small fight a few weeks ago he simply turned and told me he no longer wants to be with me. I've been very depressed since being laid off from work in January, and though things were starting to look up, he told me that he could no longer handle my depression. I had promised him that I would start seeing a counselor on my own to work on my problems once I started working again, and I have. She started me on antidepressants about two weeks ago, but as anyone who has ever taken SSRI's before knows it typically takes 4-6 weeks before you start seeing any effects (something he should know as he started taking the same medication in late January).
He took no time to pack up his things, find a new place, and is already searching for a new partner. To be honest, I've never felt to hurt or alone in my entire life... I had spent quite a bit of time thinking over whether I could be with Dan if he were to transition, and honestly, after my trip to Florida with Melody, Sara, and the rest of the Florida Contingent (that I was lucky enough to meet), I was able to say 100% that yes, I would stick by his side, no matter what he choose to do. I love him more than anything, and imagining my life without him, gender aside, made me physically hurt. Now, I have no choice, he has decided to leave me...
To add insult to injury, he told me that he still loves me as he was leaving me. He told me that he still wanted to be with me, but not live together, but that he needed time and would like to see other people. He left me with nothing more than a broken heart and a life to pick up the pieces of. When he was moving he was doing it himself, so I offered to help, and he gladly accepted. However, when I moved yesterday he adamantly refused to help in anyway. He won't answer any texts, e-mails, or calls. He went into my facebook account and deleted all of his friends and family, and did the same with all of my friends and family on his. He has quickly severed any and all ties between us.
I feel like this is the opposite of all of the other stories I have heard here, and I am afraid it's because he is afraid. He is afraid that I would leave him, so he is leaving me first. I'm afraid that he feels as though he made a mistake in confiding in me, and that he is searching for someone to replace me so that he doesn't make that mistake again.
I'm just so confused... The night before he was telling me how much he loved me, that he was excited for the following day when we were supposed to check out a new apartment for us to move to that would place him and I both closer to work so that he would have time to go home and relax between work and school everyday, that after he graduated in October he would be buying me an engagement ring... And now... nothing. I'm left alone to pick up the pieces.
I've been having anxiety attacks 3-5 times a day for the past two weeks... I've been unable to eat. On top of the anti-depressants my doctor sent me out xanax to help with my anxiety. I'm afraid to get onto the scale because the last time I checked I had lost 11 pounds in 6 days... I feel like I have lost the will to do anything.
I feel so broken. I never thought that he would abandon me, but he did it so swifty, and with such ease, which only drives the knife deeper.
I feel as though I am rambling now, my apologies. I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on over here, sorry I don't have a happier story to tell.
