Orchiectomy, transition - I NEED HELP

[MissV]

OK this is kind of long so please I would appreciate if someone could help me with this.

Here is the deal, I am a 22 y/o MTF transexual, I started transitioning 4 years ago, basically ever since then, I feel my transition has been a dud.

Just to get this out in the open, I live at home with my mother, I don't have any job or friends or anything.

I have had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life and I feel severely traumatized in so many ways in my life and that has also prevented me from "Growing" as a person.

I am not a kid, nor some person who "doesn't know what they want" so please none of that, thank you.

I live with my mother and she basically hates my guts for being a transexual, she "puts up with me" for some unknown purpose. She is the type of person who goes into denial on topics like this, so it took more convincing than anyone could imagine to convince her that I am really transgendered. she finally agreed to let me start hormones late 2008.

I took estrogen and spiro and basically for about 6 months, things were good, I was having positive effects of estrogen and such, but then my progress stalled out, then I found out about 6 more months later (this being august 2009) that I was having a horrid almost unheard of problem from the spironolactone, it was clogging my bowels and making me really sick, so I had to stop taking it. So when I stopped taking it, my body started reverting to the old male self.

I told my mom that I NEEDED to undergo the Orchioectomy/castration ASAP because this is going to kill my transition if I don't get it.

She kept putting up excuses for an ENTIRE YEAR (until aug 2010) when the testosoner finally caught up with me and it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I stayed taking estrogen this whole time pretty much, except it dind't really do anything other than prevent me from reverting as fast.

Ever since Aug-sept 2010, I have been nauseous to the point of feeling like I have to vomit out my intestines for about 2-3 hours every morning, I can't think straight, I can't do anything other than "loaf around" the house so to speak. I have no brain, my transition is basically ruined and I have ended up becoming MORE masculine than I started out as because for some freak reason, my testosterone production shot up to "fight" my estrogen and I have masculine odor and sweat like never before, my body hair is getting to be really bad and basically it's just real bad.

Even with all this my mom still doesn't want me to get this Orchioectomy despite this being the thing that will save me and my transition.

Yes, I have had a professional opinion on this and YES the testotoenr is the reason for my horrendous sickness.

PROBLEM Is, like I said before, I am a victim of a lot of trauma in my life, I have a mom who likes to control my life therefore she takes advantage of my bad situation of being traumatized, having no friends or job or anything and as I'm sure most know, you can't get an Orchioectomy unless you go through some kind of psych eval which personally I have wasted time with so called "doctors" who did nothing but horse me around like that and got nowhere in the end so I REFUSE to go to any places like that, there is basically one doctor in the USA who does this surgery WITHOUT letters (yes he is legit) and I have no way to get to him.

I am stuck; I have no transportation, no friends, nothing. I am completely at the mercy of my mom who refuses to budge on this issue. I am in a tiny tiny tiny town of less than 1000 people and I literally live in the middle of nowhere, we have no public transit of any kind so I am STUCK.

I have basically set an apotinemt with this doctor every 2 weeks since OCTOBER when I found him. and each time I have to CANCEL the appointment.


I am at the END of my rope, I told my mom if she doesn't help me on this, I will castrate myself, to which she basically laughs in my face and doesn't believe me and says insulting things like "if you do that, they will put you in the loony bin" and other abusive things like that.

I just can't take it anymore.

I have no brain, I am dying of this hormonal sickness, my transition is FINISHED and I can't get any help to get to the surgeon.

I NEED HELP. I don't know what to do.

If I don't "self surgery" I will commit suicide.

I am a very masculine young person, I don't pass at all, my face doesn't have even a HINT of femininity and make up does not help me and because I'm being exposed to a MEGA dose of tesotstoner, I am becmoing MORE masculine than I ever started out as.

I can't take life anymore, I can't take this, my mom is a manipulative person who takes advance of my plight and I'm helpless on this issue.

She always lies and claims "you've convinced me" and that she will take me, but then every time, she plus some excuse or plays mind games with me and then she is always "not available" every time I have an appointment. I feel she will say and do ANYTHIGN to keep me from getting this surgery, as after all she is the type who lives in denial and she thinks that she is right and I'm wrong and if I get this surgery, I will change my mind and wish I didn't do it.

if I don't get this surgery, I just want to die.

[blair]

What kind of professional opinion did you have may I ask? In all honesty since you are 22 years old, there's really nothing you can do about making your mother accept you or even help you. How did you acquire hormones in the first place? As most anyone here will tell you, self medicating is a bad idea because your levels need to be watched. If in fact the spironolactone side effects are what are making you sick, that same doctor may be able to prescribe you a different anti-androgen such as Finasteride. If it is deemed that anti-androgens will not work for you, it's possible that your doctor may recommend you early for an Orchiectomy. Castrating yourself will do nothing but put you in the hospital or kill you. It's a bad idea. Don't do it. All that I can suggest for you is to work on getting a job so you can get out of the middle of nowhere and to a place where there are competent professionals who can help you.

[MissV]

What kind of professional opinion did you have may I ask? In all honesty since you are 22 years old, there's really nothing you can do about making your mother accept you or even help you. How did you acquire hormones in the first place? As most anyone here will tell you, self medicating is a bad idea because your levels need to be watched. If in fact the spironolactone side effects are what are making you sick, that same doctor may be able to prescribe you a different anti-androgen such as Finasteride. If it is deemed that anti-androgens will not work for you, it's possible that your doctor may recommend you early for an Orchiectomy. Castrating yourself will do nothing but put you in the hospital or kill you. It's a bad idea. Don't do it. All that I can suggest for you is to work on getting a job so you can get out of the middle of nowhere and to a place where there are competent professionals who can help you.

Hi,

I have seen a doctor in a trans health type of clinic in the largest city near my -- by near I mean 85+ MILES away (for some reason, my mother had no problem taking me there). I really don't feel like discussing my personal medical history but long story short, anti-androgens are just not working for me. My situation is 10x MORE complex than stated above but 1. I wanted to be as brief as possible and 2. like I said it's private details.

I need an orchi is the bottom line. no doctor in my area is willing to do this surgery (for a zillion reasons, like liability, we aren't "experienced enough" and so fourth")

And also I can't always afford my meds, so some months I end up going without, therefore when that happens I basically yoyo hormonalyl and that also kills me. I need the orchiectomy to prevent the yo-yoing. Yes, I know that without any hormones in the body there are other effects but not re-masculinzation.

I found a doc who is several states away, like I said, my mother does NOT want to take me to this guy, even if there was a local guy she basically is against this.

sorry, I really am stuck. S.T.U.C.K. in this area. there are no opportunities for people like me in the area I'm in. town of 1000 people, the other towns around me average 500~ less people and the nearest city is 40-50 MILES from me.

Sorry but like I said I am just ill beyond my ability to put into words. My current problem is that I need the orchi and I don't have a way to get there.

Sorry if I am giving the wrong impression but I seriously need some help as I am at the end of my rope. Like I said in my original message, it's either self-castration or suicide unless I can find some way to get transportation to the surgeon.

[spacial]

Miss V.

The first priority is to get your bowel back in shape. This will only get worse and you will get really sick.

Fortunately, it isn't as difficult as it might seem.

1. No Laxatives.

2. Lots of water.

3. Youghurt, look for live youghurt. Also, a load of roughage, brown bread and lots of vegatables.

4. Get into a routine of opening your bowels.

The problem with Spiro is it is a diuretic and dries you out.

I'm pretty sure that the estrogen on its own won't do very much.

[pebbles]

I think alot of pepole who've posted here underestimate just how callous and vindictive alot of pepole are even to the point of killing "the freaks". It must be nice to talk from such a position of privilage and not have experienced that.

[wendy]

Miss V,

As others stated you first need to get your health in order.

Now there are other T blockers besides Spiro.  I can think of two that are very effective.

Yes an orchi will reduce your T to single digits and is a reasonable option for long term hormone users that are not getting SRS in the near future.

Here is an idea.  Do a gopher type of job and save some money.  Then get an orchi.  No one will be able to tell if you get an orchi.  It does remove the need for anti-androgens, but you look the same after an orchi. In fact it is much safer on the liver to have an orchi and reduce the hormones rather than tax the liver on a high dose of hormones for decades.   

[cynthialee]

Get pluged into your local transcomunity.

Ask around for a trans friendly urologist. You just might find a doctor who is willing to code things so you being trans has nothing to do with the reason the operation is being preformed.
There are more than one reason to have an orchi preformed....

[rejennyrated]

Without wishing to sound un-caring if one of my family had opposed me once I was of legal age to transition I would have left home and done it anyway. No way in hell would I ever have stayed with a parent who was abusing me. So why on earth are you still there please?

This leads me to the conclusion that part pf your problem is that you haven't yet got enough determination to do this. It's not something that you can expect life to simply hand you on a plate - you have to be prepared to fight for it, including leaving home and making your own way alone in the world if necessary.

Happily there are plenty in our community who can and will help, so as others have said the first step is to get plugged into the support network in your area.

YOU will have to get off your butt and find them. No one will show you where they are - it requires active action on your part, but I assure you that they do exist, and when you find them they will help you providing you are prepared to make those all important first steps...

Like I say I don't mean to sound harsh - but I do get tired of hearing the same old story from people whose lives could almost certainly be improved by simply leaving home.

[Morrigan]

it simply isnt possble to get stuck somewhere like that. If all options in your city are exhausted, make a few bucks to get out of there, get to a larger city. There are shelters and city missions that will give you somewhere to sleep and help you find a job. This option was made for homeless people, but it seems you're close to that anyway.

Do you have relatives that live out of town? They might give you somewhere to stay for long enough to find a job, or try to make some friends, if not in your city, use the internet. There are plenty of tools at your disposal and none of them will help you if you whine about suicide before trying them all.

[Melody Maia]

Ok, I agree with what has been said to this point, but there is another option for treatment. I don't take an anti-androgen. I take ethinyl estradiol made for me by a compounding pharmacy. One pill a day, that's it. My T level is 9. I saw Dr. Keith Smith in Houston. I don't know if you are in the states, but you might try calling his office. They will work with you to have this covered under insurance, if you have it. Even if you had to travel there to get your labs done, it is liable to be a far sight cheaper than getting an orchi.

[MissV]

Hello,

I'd like to thank those who have replied to my thread.

However, my situation is just completely awful.

I am in a tiny TINY town of less than 1000 people, a farm town basically. there are ZERO opportunities for someone like myself in this town, both in terms of what I do for a living (computer work which is what I did several years ago before things got "complicated") and due to the fact I am transexual. I'm sure everyone knows how these tiny towns treat you if you are a minority of any kind.

I am S.T.U.C.K. for the time being sadly.


I pay for my hormones out of pocket, I don't have insurance and I can't get any for many reasons. the other T blockers are veeeeeery expensive. Spiro for me was cheap, the others are just several hundred a month and I can't afford that. I do have money saved for my surgery however.

There are no services for anyone in this town (no surprise) there is nothing useful for at least 40 Miles away, and if you want the real useful stuff it's 85+ miles.

Sorry but I'd rather just die than live in a shelter. I am a vitcim of a lot of trauma in my life and I really don't need new traumas.

I do HOPE to move out and live on my own someday soon but it I do know it won't be soon and also as sick as I am now from these hormonal problems, I need this surgery first before I can even try to have any cahnce of living on my own.

I even tried at the suggestion of my doctor to stop hormones for 2 months and I just felt even worse off the hormones rather than on them. so basically long story short, this has been narrowed down to being a problem of too much testostoner and it's jus t making me ill.

[Morrigan]

Well, if you refuse to leave the city, your immediate goal is obviously to find a job. With the economy the way it is, there are fewer opportunities, but it will be a lot easier with some positive thinking, only harder with despair. You're not the only one who has had to put their transition on hold to tend financial duties. Being self-sufficient is (in my opinion) more important than gender. Would living in your mother's oppressive grasp be any less unbearable if you weren't born male?

[quinn]

Hey Miss V,

From what you've said so far, it seems like the only thing you want to hear from any of us is that we'll happily pay for your surgery and for you to move out on your own so you're independent. That's just how it comes across, I'm not saying that you actually expect that or that it's your intention to solicit donations on your behalf.

I think you need to have more confidence in yourself of what you can do for yourself. I know it's really tough to get a job, especially in a small town, but it's not impossible. I was unemployed for over six months and I managed to get a job, and that's with no special skills or anything other than a high school diploma. So there is hope for you still.

As far as the discrimination issue goes, I don't think you should assume everyone will discriminate against you. When I came out as trans to one of my friends, she totally accepted me even though I expected her to be freaked out about it and hateful towards me because of it. I know it's not the same thing, but my point is that you shouldn't assume people will react negatively towards you because you're trans (or for any other reason).

I understand what it's like to have been traumatized by past events, as I have gone through that too. I know this probably sounds impossible, but try not to live in the past--what's done is done, and while it left you emotionally scarred, you can be strong enough to move on with your life. See what you can do to come to terms with the events that traumatized you. You might see a therapist, or journal your emotions about it, or meditate on positive things to replace any recurring negative thoughts concerning it, or whatever else will help you to be able to deal with it. Traumatic events are life-altering, but they don't have to destroy your life. Don't let the past define who you are or what you can and can't do.

As others have said, you need to become independent because your mother is being manipulative, whether she intends it or not. So put all your efforts into getting a job (and keeping it), and work until you can afford to live on your own. From there, everything gets a whole lot easier, because you'll then be in control of your life. You can work towards getting your surgery done, and doing any of the other steps you choose to take in your transition.

I really hope things start getting better for you. Good luck with everything. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM or email me. And by the way, although self-castration may seem appealing during a moment of distress, there's a really good chance you'll pass out from blood loss before you can get it completely done. Be patient, and have your surgery done by a doctor

[Tamaki]

My current problem is that I need the orchi and I don't have a way to get there.

It seems to me that this is just a problem of transportation.

I do have money saved for my surgery however.

Not a problem with having money for the surgery.


So what you need help with is trying to figure out how to get from your small town in the middle of nowhere to the surgeon a couple of states away.

Is this right?

[justmeinoz]

If you can afford the surgery, but have no transport,  can you ask a friend for a lift?  Are there any buses  or trains?

Otherwise,  unless you want to walk, or risk hitching, I'd suggest buying a bicycle. 85 miles is a good length 2 day ride.  Cheap sleeping bag and a tent to sleep in overnight if nothing else is available.

Main thing is, that by the sound of it nothing is going to happen until you just go ahead and do it.

[MissV]

If you can afford the surgery, but have no transport,  can you ask a friend for a lift?  Are there any buses  or trains?

Otherwise,  unless you want to walk, or risk hitching, I'd suggest buying a bicycle. 85 miles is a good length 2 day ride.  Cheap sleeping bag and a tent to sleep in overnight if nothing else is available.

Main thing is, that by the sound of it nothing is going to happen until you just go ahead and do it.

Hi,
Yes, my problem is I don't have any transportation, and sorry if I wasn't clear but the city the surgery is in is several states away and 450 MILES away, not 85+ miles, the city that is 85 miles is the nearest LARGE city to me. I had thought about hitchhiking before actually.

no, I am not expecting anyone to "pay my surgery" as I said that is not the point of my message and secondly, I do have money for my surgery. My problem is mainly transportation and the fact my mother has this crazy attitude (some days she will say I'm her daugther and she loves me, the next she will say "I never considered you a girl!" so I don't knwo what her deal is)

I do not have any friends, both becuase of my circumstance and the kind of town I am in, I MIGHT be able to get my brother (who is at college) to take me, but he is afraid of reprisal by mom if he does that... like I said she conditions people growing up to fear her and such.

I must state clearly, this is some NOTHING NOTHING farm town -- unless you're a farmer or a ditch digger there is no job here.

This has just been too much on me, suffering 7 months every single day of feeling nausious, not having energy to even "get up" so to speak, having no brain and being unable to think from the sickness and it just gets worse and worse and worse. meanwhile my transition is basically been messed up by the fact I became more masculine than I started out as.

[Tamaki]

I completely understand living in a tiny farm town with no friends and a crazy mother, that was basically my high school experience. I also understand being so ill you can barely function.

Here is the deal, only you can make this happen. You need to move through your fears and find a way to get the 85 miles to that town and get on a bus to that doctor.

There are a lot of ways you can manage this. Leave the house  and meet your brother someplace where your mother won't see it's him and call her after your gone. I sure that there are farmers that go into the city occasionally, hitch a ride with them, offer to pay them something for their trouble. Hitchhike if you have to. How ever you do it you're going to have to suck it up and just do it. Most likely your mother isn't going to like it but you're not living her life you're living yours.

I can understand why you've stayed stuck for so long, I've been stuck too, but you have to make it work for you. You are capable of making it to this doctor even though you don't feel like you are. Just do it.

[tekla]

I must state clearly, this is some NOTHING NOTHING farm town -- unless you're a farmer or a ditch digger there is no job here.

I know that because I spend a lot of time in a major rural farming state, and that's why the hardest thing to find in any small town anymore is people between the ages of 20-35. 

[wendy]

I do have money for my surgery. My problem is mainly transportation and the fact my mother has this crazy attitude (some days she will say I'm her daugther and she loves me, the next she will say "I never considered you a girl!" so I don't knwo what her deal is)

I do not have any friends, both becuase of my circumstance and the kind of town I am in, I MIGHT be able to get my brother (who is at college) to take me, but he is afraid of reprisal by mom if he does that... like I said she conditions people growing up to fear her and such.

I must state clearly, this is some NOTHING NOTHING farm town -- unless you're a farmer or a ditch digger there is no job here.

This has just been too much on me, suffering 7 months every single day of feeling nausious, not having energy to even "get up" so to speak, having no brain and being unable to think from the sickness and it just gets worse and worse and worse. meanwhile my transition is basically been messed up by the fact I became more masculine than I started out as.

Miss V,
Your mom sounds like an abusive parent that does not understand what you are saying and probably loves you.  Hey don't expect her to call you her daughter.  My children will always view me as dad and that is fine; however, they love me which is great.
I used buses when I was younger because I did not own a car.  I am sure you can get a ride to the big city and then take a bus to the clinic.  The urologist gave me a local and did her thing before the pain killer numbed the area.  I had to slow her down.  She was done in less than 30 minutes.  I walked out on my own power in less than an hour and a TG friend drove me home.  I hurt for a week but could walk around and cook and clean the first day.  Hey no one said , "Wow you look like you got an orchi!"  Your mom will not know!  My T levels were 7 one month later.   I felt fine and it was a good decision for me.  However it was expensive and it does not solve employment issues and social issues.  You have to solve those yourself.

Also all mental health issues that "others" have are the same for the trans community.  In fact we tend to have more depression and anxiety than the general population.  Now that you gave us more information here is another plan.  Schedule your orchi and negotiate a firm price.  Actually it is real easy to get to the clinic.  You can get a ride to the big city and then get a bus to the clinic.  Getting home will need a ride because you will not want to walk several miles for a week after surgery.  Ask your bother if he can drive you at least home and he will probably drive you both ways.  The surgery is out patient and a local.  Do take an anti-anxiety tablet before the surgery if you are prone to anxiety.

Do not share what you are doing with your mom.  Tell her you will visit someone for a day (i.e. your brother).  Then get your surgery.  Make sure they leave the scrotal sac for a "parts bank" in the future.  Then when you return home tell mom you just do not feel well that day and go to bed.  Actually she will never know if you do not tell her. 

After that figure out what you want to do with your life.  I can assure you that TG is only one part of your life. If you decide to make it your entire life then TG will accommodate you!  Maybe you want to go to college similar to your brother?  Hey he sounds pretty good.  Maybe you are close to each other and can chat?  It sounds like you need to go out on your own and move to a friendlier environment.

Best of luck and you will not turn "Back" into a boy without spiro if you are taking E!

[tekla]

I don't have any job
unless you're a farmer or a ditch digger there is no job here.

You have two choices, either learn to farm or dig ditches, or move.