Why can't there be more support in the TG Community?

[Katelyn]

I remember seeing shows like Oprah and TV news of people suffering things and communities rallying to give support to them, and I wonder why can't there be anything like that in the TG Community?  To be fair, I've only had experience with the Los Angeles TG Community, and I've known lots of TG people in L.A. but have been highly disappointed in the lack of support amongst each other, and infighting seems to be more common than real support.  Several TG people have told me that it's because TG people are self absorbed and have their own problems.  But if we don't help each other, who will?  I've suffered greatly from the lack of support, leading me to still have to live with my mom and still suffering from the sting of trying to come out and unleash my inner woman, only to have to draw it all back and have to stuff it because people in the TG community weren't very supportive, understanding, or helpful when I was going through the stress of when my mom was making a tragedy of me associating with transgender people and identifying as one (back in late 2007), and later when I was seeking to move away from my mom and had no place to go (early 2008).  I didn't feel like I could successfully detach from my parents without going through really tough times, and especially in terms of emotional support.  The lack of significant emotional support from people in the TG community in L.A. really burned me.  As a result of the lack of support, I had to be forced to move with my mom to Tucson, AZ for more than a year, where my critical mind was continually crushing my desire to transition (because of the lack of support from people around me) and doing things like bringing back the sexism that plagued me when I was much younger (and that I for a decade and a half had worked to roll back) leading to mental torture and perhaps a lot of therapy needed to heal the mental battery that happened in my mind. 

Even now, I feel like in order to transition, I really need a lot of support from people around me, especially in detaching from my parents fully and not feeling that I'm alone and that nobody cares about me and that I'm putting myself in a dangerous position in terms of survival.

I'm sure that many other TG people that have not transitioned yet have as big or bigger problems that may be stopping them.  If we have such extraordinary problems, why can't we have the support needed to deal with them?   Maybe at the least it would lower the suicide rate among trans people.  Still, why does it have to come down to suicide?

Why not a better organized and supportive community? 

Am I asking for too much?



BTW, I know that Susans and perhaps other internet messageboards have a lot of very nice and supportive members, I wish that this would be much more commonplace in the TG community. 

[Amazon D]

There is a post op woman who recently passed away and left her entire estate of many millions to the Trans community as a trust fund. I do not know exactly what it is being used for yet since it was recently but i do know Mara Kiesling is a part of it. She runs a wash DC based legal group fighting for our rights. Hopefully others who die will also leave something to this trust fund to help further that help. I do know some do share homes etc and help with simple housing and thats just simple stuff. You can help one sister or brother and start something near you. There are many well to do TS people in LA and i am sure some are helping privately. However, we want to promote helping so be an axample and help and tell others and lets get the careing and sharing going. hugs M2

[spacial]

Several TG people have told me that it's because TG people are self absorbed and have their own problems.  But if we don't help each other, who will? 

With respect, that's the sort of comment that can be applied almost anywhere.

But on a more serious note, perhaps the problem is that we have not identified a commonality. Our objective isn't to create an outward, in your face, lifestyle. We seek integration and the opportunity to be ourselves, to express who we are, within society.

In many ways it is a shame. I would hope that, if the need arose, I will be the first to stand up and defend a brother or sister. The reality is, once that need has arisin, there is usually so much conflict.

I have just done a search using Transgender (the county where I live) . With the exception of a gay group, all the organisations listed are local government. That's great as far as it goes, but are transgender people really the activist type?

[Amazon D]

I have just done a search using Transgender (the county where I live) . With the exception of a gay group, all the organisations listed are local government. That's great as far as it goes, but are transgender people really the activist type?

Many of the Transgender groups are not publically listed but listed online. The first person to fight the police at stonewall was Silvia Rivera a trans woman (who i met and worked with back in 2001 before she died) and the gays were afraid of the cops. One of my activisms of many was were I camped out at the US capital after 9-11 in may 2002 by the reflecting pool for 23 days and nights which was illegal but they let me stay there overnight in a tent. I was there to alert them that transgender wasn't included in the E.N.D.A. bill which was up for debate.
There are hundreds out there doing trans activism all over this country. We now have a national group working for us "all yr round" in wash DC. and that isn't just genderpac. it is http://transequality.org/About/staff.html and there are many many activist who don't come online but have worked to make changes locally in cities and towns and states all over the USA.

Every yr we have lobby days in Wash DC where trans of all types got and lobby their congressman or senator. Many also do it locally at their representatives office.

Be an activist and meet the others get involved and do something and make the change you want to see. The fight is a constant fight against that evil that isn't about having God/Love in your heart. Make a resting place for Love/God in your heart and see God/Love grow in your life. However, remember there is always the evil one trying to keep or put you down.

[Just Kate]

Ask yourself why it is you have not offered support to those in your community, and it will become clear why others have not offered it to you.

It feels like you are in a blame cycle, and that isn't productive as you repeatedly blame one failure after another on something outside yourself - ultimately it is your responsibility for why you haven't transitioned, not your mother's, nor your community's for their lack of support.  When you realize that if things are going to change, it will be up to you to do it, damned the consquences, you WILL change it.  Until then, you will feel victimized, helpless, and alone, and no help you receive will ever be enough.

[JungianZoe]

Respectfully, we have to help ourselves first, then change happens.

Don't forget, some people need help learning that they can walk before they can take a first step.  Not everyone's upbringing is conducive to that, and some people spend years in the dark because they never know there's another way.

I'm just saying, one size doesn't fit all...

[Katelyn]

Ask yourself why it is you have not offered support to those in your community, and it will become clear why others have not offered it to you.

I helped two transwomen when they first came out, one of them with housing (who needed it more desperately than I did).  I tried helping a number of other people, including the club organizer for Club Shine in Los Angeles (I used to be her photographer for awhile.)   I've always wanted to help in the TG community but I didn't feel comfortable about doing so if I was not an example myself. 

And then, how can you help if you need help first?

[Katelyn]

Good point Zoe. it's not easy, but there is a way. Beginning with first steps, beginning with planning your transition. It takes alot of courage. It's not easy for any of us.

In the end we have to do it ourselves. No community is going to solve anyone's life problems.

I don't think the "your on your own" mentality is helpful to anyone that doesn't have a natural tendency to say "f*** off" to the world, despite the consequences, and I'm just not that kind of person that can do things without calculating the consequences.  I have to (to the point of significant anxiety), especially if I don't have support from others around me.

I guess I don't have the added luxury of having a firm belief that I'm female, due to my highly analytical mind and differing beliefs in gender compared to many other TG people.  Thus, I'm not able to fervently defend myself in the face of others who question me compared to other TG people.

And even then, is it asking much to have supportive, comforting friends when dealing with certain stressful issues?   How many TG people I've seen that have to deal with depression for instance (yes, even ones transitioning or transitioned.)  GG's have comforting, supportive friends, why can't we?

[Katelyn]

With respect, that's the sort of comment that can be applied almost anywhere.

That's not true, I have reason to believe that people in other communities are more helpful with each other, like in religious or interest based communities.  Many people who do certain sports or activities for instance develop a tightly knit community, sometimes to the point that they see each other as family.  I get impressed by this, and find it sorely lacking in the TG community, and I think that TG people are among the people in the world that most need support given that what we do is even, relatively speaking, more extreme than gay and lesbian people.

But on a more serious note, perhaps the problem is that we have not identified a commonality. Our objective isn't to create an outward, in your face, lifestyle. We seek integration and the opportunity to be ourselves, to express who we are, within society.

I know a 60+ year old transwoman that tried going in stealth, but still faced major issues and decades after she went stealth, she decided to come out because she wanted to stop living in fear.  As much as we may want to blend in with the rest of society, we cannot pretend that we are not transgender, and we will have to face specific transgender related issues throughout our life.

[Amazon D]

Our commonality is our being human. I tried to offer help to veterans but found that my trans brothers and sisters needed more help.. Lets help one another.. Be the change you want to see .. be an example.. do it .... JUST DO IT  like nike... every bit of love you share will build your spiritual bankaccount and that worth more than any cash values.. .. just do it..

[cynthialee]

The lack of local support caused me no end of grief when I first came out.
I searched for months too find all the information I needed. The services needed to transition are available around here but finding them all was hell.
In the first few months the only support I found was online. Here at Susans and anouther couple forums. The online support I found was sufficient to keep me from suicide but it was a close call. If I had found a proper local support group I would have had a much smoother time when I first started.

Eventually I did find a local trans support group, a recent creation by a really nice trans man, and things really changed for me. Being able to talk face to face with other trans people and hug them and know for a fact I am not alone was a god send. The group was small and it eventually folded but as it started to fall apart the local LGBT was steping to the plate and really started organising. <a benifactor(s) has left the Spokane LGBT enough money to run the show for awhile> So our folding group merged with the LGBT group and it is larger now than before.
Now the group does have an issue in that years ago there was a trans group in Spokane that got really petty and was a hotbed of infighting. So a number of older trans folks have indicated they are avoiding the new group due to that old group...(sigh) <I know the original founder of the old group, she is my best friend. She says it was a pack of gay male CD's that came in and caused a world of trouble so she quit and let them run the show. Didn't take them long to completely destroy the group. So we have our work cut out to avoid a rerun of that drama. I haven't seen any potential issues but I am on gaurd.>

Anyways....I am doing what I can to benifit the trans comunity. Last night we went to the group. Every one there except for Sevan was TS. Sevan being the only TG. As Sevan is TG and is married to a TS ze has a good knowledge of the various needs of trans folks. Also as ze has the next few months off so we put hir in charge of comunications and co-ordinating events.

I oce heard a saying go something alone the line of....
You must be the change you want to see in the world. (Ghandi)

[Amazon D]

The lack of local support caused me no end of grief when I first came out.
I searched for months too find all the information I needed. The services needed to transition are available around here but finding them all was hell.
In the first few months the only support I found was online. Here at Susans and anouther couple forums. The online support I found was sufficient to keep me from suicide but it was a close call. If I had found a proper local support group I would have had a much smoother time when I first started.

Eventually I did find a local trans support group, a recent creation by a really nice trans man, and things really changed for me. Being able to talk face to face with other trans people and hug them and know for a fact I am not alone was a god send. The group was small and it eventually folded but as it started to fall apart the local LGBT was steping to the plate and really started organising. <a benifactor(s) has left the Spokane LGBT enough money to run the show for awhile> So our folding group merged with the LGBT group and it is larger now than before.
Now the group does have an issue in that years ago there was a trans group in Spokane that got really petty and was a hotbed of infighting. So a number of older trans folks have indicated they are avoiding the new group due to that old group...(sigh) <I know the original founder of the old group, she is my best friend. She says it was a pack of gay male CD's that came in and caused a world of trouble so she quit and let them run the show. Didn't take them long to completely destroy the group. So we have our work cut out to avoid a rerun of that drama. I haven't seen any potential issues but I am on gaurd.>

Anyways....I am doing what I can to benifit the trans comunity. Last night we went to the group. Every one there except for Sevan was TS. Sevan being the only TG. As Sevan is TG and is married to a TS ze has a good knowledge of the various needs of trans folks. Also as ze has the next few months off so we put hir in charge of comunications and co-ordinating events.

I oce heard a saying go something alone the line of....
You must be the change you want to see in the world. (Ghandi)

AMEN YOU TWO ARE A WONDERFUL EXAMPLE TO LET ALL KNOW THERE IS LOVE AMONGST US ALL..   go for it you two and i will gladly buy coffee for your group for a month ..   will 50.00 do that ?   You two make a complete GID assembly

i mean what else is life about but helping others.. its a spiritual banckaccount thang

go for it cynthialee + sevan   

also Valeriedances you sure do bring positiveness to this board.. you could be off on your own but your not your here helping and thats a BIG WOW

[cynthialee]

I really apreciate the offer, but like I said...the local LGBT has a benifactor that has squared the center away. A member of the BOD told me they should have enough $$ to run the place for a few years. There is always a pot of hot fresh coffee available there as is.

My main concern is that I am there and available to answer questions should some early in transition person contact the group or shows up to a meeting. If I can save just one person months of fruitless computer searches and lonlieness I will be happy.

[Amazon D]

My main concern is that I am there and available to answer questions should some early in transition person contact the group or shows up to a meeting. If I can save just one person months of fruitless computer searches and lonlieness I will be happy.

amen er awomyn

[spacial]

That's not true, I have reason to believe that people in other communities are more helpful with each other, like in religious or interest based communities.  Many people who do certain sports or activities for instance develop a tightly knit community, sometimes to the point that they see each other as family.  I get impressed by this, and find it sorely lacking in the TG community, and I think that TG people are among the people in the world that most need support given that what we do is even, relatively speaking, more extreme than gay and lesbian people.


I know a 60+ year old transwoman that tried going in stealth, but still faced major issues and decades after she went stealth, she decided to come out because she wanted to stop living in fear.  As much as we may want to blend in with the rest of society, we cannot pretend that we are not transgender, and we will have to face specific transgender related issues throughout our life.

I understand and you are, in many cases, right.

But I also think you'll find that almost every group, no matter how organised it is, continues to complain that it isn't enough.

For me, personally, I view our situation as one which in recent times, has the possibility of being partly, at least, rectificed. That's an amazing achievement, give how people in our situation must have suffered over the milenia and often still do.

But I don't want to appear to be attempting to put a damper on your feelings or ideas. I am completely supportive of anything that is going to make life easier for transgender people.

[Annah]

Ask yourself why it is you have not offered support to those in your community, and it will become clear why others have not offered it to you.

It feels like you are in a blame cycle, and that isn't productive as you repeatedly blame one failure after another on something outside yourself - ultimately it is your responsibility for why you haven't transitioned, not your mother's, nor your community's for their lack of support.  When you realize that if things are going to change, it will be up to you to do it, damned the consquences, you WILL change it.  Until then, you will feel victimized, helpless, and alone, and no help you receive will ever be enough.

You have a lot of truth in your statements!

[Annah]

Katelyn

You seem to have this type of attitude where people are just destined to disappoint you.

You have counter attacked everyone here who has given you advice. You should listen to them. They have a lot of good things to say and if you look on the internet there are many trans not profit.

Hell, I got a scholarship for grad school because I am trans.

If you look it can be found.

[SarahM777]

Please remember that for some outside of the internet there is very little to no TG community. For those living in some areas it just comes down to numbers. Let's face it when the closest towns to you have populations of 958 to the south, 679 to the north, 1,234 to the west etc etc, there may be a very very very slight chance of ever meeting anyone else who is also dealing with TG. So how does one fit into a community where there may only be yourself? Even though i am 53 i have yet to meet anyone else face to face that has dealt with it also. It is what it is.

[Katelyn]

Katelyn

You seem to have this type of attitude where people are just destined to disappoint you.

Because they have.  I was disappointed at how many transwomen lacked the ability to be understanding, empathetic, and comforting.  I had a close friend for awhile that was genderqueer and I admired him, only to find out a year later that he was a sexual pervert and a boldface liar (who also happened to be attracted to me).  I had another genderqueer friend that I also became close with, but she started getting arrogant, only caring about being right, and also not very comforting.  I'm still friends with her, but I don't have as close a relationship as I had before.  I have a friend that I have a so/so relationship with, she's fun to go out with but she's not good in being empathetic and comforting, and has judged me not so nicely before. 

I was friends for awhile with a lesbian GG that I met in a club, we were good friends till she told me that she was almost homeless (living in her car) and I was trying to be comforting and supportive with her for awhile, but eventually I was absorbing her stress soo much that I couldn't take it anymore, she got angry at something I said, and she stopped being friends with me.  Later on she called me when she lost her car, I tried getting her a place to stay later on in a friend of mine's, but a whole thing happened and two months later I had to bring her back to the streets, and then my family went under a financial crisis that I couldn't help her anymore, then I regrettably said something callous to her, due to my own stress, and she stopped being friends with me.

What pisses me off is that the lesbian gg (which was more of a femme type) was much more of a female friend that I wanted and needed than what the other TG friends I had were able to offer.  Ok, maybe I may be asking a lot from some, but what am I supposed to do when I lack even being able to talk to my family and relatives?

You have counter attacked everyone here who has given you advice. You should listen to them. They have a lot of good things to say and if you look on the internet there are many trans not profit.

I'm just trying to clarify what I'm saying and the need for people to be more supportive of each other in the TG community.  I for one don't want to have to shred and destroy my feelings just in order to survive in a cold harsh world, that to me is being dead on the inside and traumatizing.  I guess I am against the individualistic, independent (tiger like) type culture of America, because to me its not for everyone, and people who are in groups and good communities the ones that have the better chance at survival and well being.

[Nygeel]

I've done some forms of online support for trans people in ways that include parts of the community that often feel left out. I made an empowerment blog for people who identify as both fat and trans. When it comes to getting unity and support through a large variety of people it's simply hard to do. Not all trans people agree on everything, there's sometimes classism, binarism, racism, homophobia, etc. which get in the way from people coming together.