It's been a year...

[Coppélia]

Dear whoever reads this,

It has been a whole year since I stopped lying to myself and accepted my inner female self. I haven't been on here in ages. Mostly because my mom and brothers accepted me as daughter and sister. But now I'm in a different country for the next 3 years and I need support outside the family again.

In the US I could never do anything beyond dress and practice putting on make-up because I could not afford the psychologist sessions for approval of HRT, much less the HRT itself. I lived in a very catholic town and was afraid to go outside while dressed. Now I'm in Israel and I'm even more scared. I live in a poor town (because I couldn't afford better) and there is a lot of assaults and rapes here. The police force is tiny and doesn't speak a word of english. On top of that, despite everything medical being semi subsidized including esthetic surgery, transsexualism is considered a private matter and therefore everything related to it is not covered here either. Even therapists, who are covered, won't be if its a matter of gender Identity. Or at least so I'm told by my doctor. I can barely afford my rent and bills anyway. Whoever heard of a tenant having to pay property tax? Such BS.

I know some people spend years before transitioning but I'm already decided and believe in it so strongly that I don't want to even live passed the age of 30 if I'm not at least making progress. (That doesn't mean I want to kill myself either so no need to try dissuading me just yet, plus I'm only 21). Point is I'm not happy with my progress in a year. I've been completely unsuccessful in heightening the pitch of my very masculine voice. I have days I wake and look into the mirror to a pleasant surprise of looking like the girl I feel, shoulder length hair falling just right, my somewhat androgynous face leaning to the feminine side. But there are days I get up and cry in front of the mirror because I don't see her anywhere. Then there's the fact that in my family we bald early and I'm struggling with a receding hairline and my hair thinning to the point of seeing my scalp on top of my head. And I'm hairy as all hell. And I haven't been able to lose weight despite dieting and exercising (my doctor in the US said stress prevents weight loss and his expert advice was to avoid stress).

I think I'm the only transsexual in this whole town. There isn't even a gay community that I've heard of. Now I spend all day on the computer hoping to catch a friend online in passing, while I wait for administration after administration to give me more papers to sign and wait for their response, but I am so very lonely and depressed.

Hope I didn't bore anyone with the long whiny post. I know there is worse off than me but I've never been the type who rejoices from other people's even greater misery. I am, however, the type who has a panic attack if the toast falls butter side down on the floor. Or I would be if I used butter.

FML,

Coppélia

[mowdan6]

So, how did you end up in Israel?  (Not that's it's my business.)  Anyway, I know when I started wanting to transition, I felt the same as you do now.  Wanting to do something to feel like I was making progress.  So, here is what I did.  Knowing that with transition, there can be therapists bills, meds to pay for, and surgery.  I made myself a huge thermometer, like the ones you see non-profits use when they need to raise money.  I made the monetary increments small enough so that if all I could put away was $5, I could still color in a part of the thermometer.  Made me feel great to see something happening.  And, it feels so good to color that thing in that I started finding ways to save even more than I ever thought possible.  Actually helped me to pay for my chest reconstruction in 2 years.  Unbelievable on my petty income. 
So, keep writing and keep us informed.  Hope things settle down more for you.

[Coppélia]

My mom and I ended up homeless so we came to israel to be with family. Thats awesome about the chest reconstruction in 2 years. I've been trying to save for the last 3 years but every time I fill up my locked safe some emergency happens and i empty it. T.T

Good news though. Finally got in touch with a trans specialist in israel. Got an appointment for next tuesday. She says for hormones its not as rigid here, some don't need to go all 3 months of therapy to get a referral to an endocrinologist and the hormones are semi subsidized. Surgery though, you have to petition and wait 2 years...or you can go to thailand and not wait.

[mowdan6]

That's great news!  Amazing how things work out sometimes.  As for the surgery.....patience seems to always be the hardest part.  Congrats!

[RhinoP]

Your doctor in the US was wrong (as are all doctors who say that health conditions are stress related). You specifically have a hormonal imbalance that's causing you to go bald early and to have bodily hair growth beyond what's normal for a 21 year old - these two issues are surprisingly caused by the same imbalance. That same imbalance is, of coarse, also preventing you from loosing weight. It's an imbalance that many doctors fight against categorizing because of biased or religious beliefs about the way men should look, but studies and medical documents prove the facts. A gender-friendly endocrinologist may be able to prescribe the remedy for this imbalance (most likely something along the lines of anti-androgens or suppliments) to help preserve the Androgynous image that you enjoy.

Let's face it, your overly-masculine body image is what's causing your stress, it's not the result of it. You want to transition but the fact that you describe yourself looking and sounding more like a old man (not even a boy) may be the appearance that's holding you back from firmly taking the roots of your transition; lets face it, especially in the area you're in, you need to truly look like a woman to avoid harassment. The first step of that is truly to stop the negative effects of an overproduction/imbalance of male hormones while you continue to identify as male; starting a medical process will not immediately make you look female or "in between" and probably will make you look better in your male role as well. These things aren't a "I have to decide between male or female right away." Teenagers are prescribed anti-androgens all the time, they're pretty much a great remedy to slow down the typical male puberty processes (which continue until a male dies.)

[JungianZoe]

Your doctor in the US was wrong (as are all doctors who say that health conditions are stress related).

That's entirely untrue, especially in the case of what the OP said about losing weight.  Stress, as it's commonly called in today's society, is continuously elevated sympathetic nervous system functioning.  Our bodies aren't built for the world we've created: we're designed to see a stressor, flee from or fight the stressor (sympathetic response) and go back to a state of calm (parasympathetic functioning).  But how does one run from bankruptcy?  Work pressures?  Broken car?  An upcoming exam?  Those aren't stressors in the way that a hungry tiger coming at us is a stressor, but our bodies still respond to them as threats and begin a sympathetic response in preparation to save one's hide.

Only problem is this sympathetic functioning (a.k.a., stress) was meant to turn on, help us to fight or flee, and shut down.  When it functions all the time, it's continuously wearing down our bodies because it shuts down every process not necessary for fighting or fleeing.  Digestion slows down, pancreatic functioning is compromised, heart rate and respiration increase, immunosuppression occurs, and stress hormones coarse through our bodies.  One of those hormones, epinephrine, lesions blood vessels.  Plaques can stick inside those lesions and then stick to each other, causing all sorts of CVAs.  Do you know that there's no biological explanation for heart disease?  It's the epitome of a psychosomatic illness.

[Rachael3589]

I feel sorry for your troubles. I been also having a hard time transitioning. I'll soon start taking hrt after I turn 18, although my parents are begging me to not take them. I hope your transition goes well for you.

[Coppélia]

You too Rachel. Good news on the israel front though. Supposedly there's a program here where everything is covered by health insurance, from the psychotherapy all the way to the surgery 2-3 years later if you stick to their program and with minimal co-pay... Sounds too good to be true but I'm calling today so we'll see what happens.

[justmeinoz]

You had stress problems and you go to Israel?? (Aussie and Jewish humour is almost identical. LoL )

Male Pattern Baldness is a total pain isn't it.   I have a hairpiece that covers the top front of my scalp with a fringe and the sides.  Bangs I believe they are called in the US. (Almost as bad as calling your kid Randy!)
It has made an unbelievable difference to my appearance.
My Gender Therapist didn't recognise me the first time he saw me in it, despite wearing the same clothes as the previous visit.  Not nearly as expensive as a full wig and a lot cooler when it is hot. 
The clips that hold it in place can cope with removing a full-face motorcycle helmet without dislodging if I get them set right.

While I was waiting to start transitioning, and didn't have a lot of cash, I spent a lot of time people-watching to pick up how women do things, and observe what fashion would work for me and what wouldn't.
Quality women's magazines like Marie Claire and Vanity Fair are a good source of serious information on women's issues too.  They can help get into a female mindset, and help eradicate any residual male attitudes.  Does the local library stock them? That way you don't actually have to spend anything on them, and can check lots of back issues too.

Being the only transsexual in the town does give you a chance to show people that we are quite normal, and break a few preconceptions.  Have you spoken to a local Rabbi, assuming there is one who would be supportive, to get the establishment on side?

I hope you can have a good transition. 

Karen.