...I suck at introductions; please bear with me. Needless to say I am very nervous.
The name given to me at birth is Shelbi.
So yeah, I was born a girl.
I've always been a bit of a tomboy and didn't identify myself with other girls at a young age. In my mind, I was just one of the boys: I played with bugs, thought armpit farts were hilarious, didn't like to wear dresses, the whole nine yards. I was told I couldn't be Peter Pan in the school play because I was a girl.
Since I was pretty much forced to be a girl since day one, I've come to terms with my femininity, and it took years, but I finally accepted it as part of my personal identity. But something was still missing. I wasn't like all the other girls. In novels and movies I identified more with male characters, and liked to wear masculine clothing. In relationships with friends and with boyfriends, I was dominant and protective of my SO, something that confused a lot of the people I was around. Yeah, sometimes I'd feel girly, but it was only part of the time, not 24/7. What was wrong with me?
I'm at a crossroads in my life, and I'm very confused and afraid. I no longer know what I am on the inside, or what I should do.
To cope with this issue, I've started hiding my breasts, changing my voice and wearing distinctly male attire, while going by a different name. I can only do this outside of the home, because I still live with my parents, and I can never tell them simply because they would never understand. My friends have been very helpful and supportive, and if not for them, I'd be even worse off than I already am.
In my head I am neither consistently female or male, but traverse between the two at will. I don't consider myself in between, just...both. I've heard this described as 'two-spirited.' This sounds accurate, but I'm still not sure if this is me. In my mind I am both Shelbi, and Sage. Because I internally identify as both, I don't feel that surgery is the answer.
My fiance, who is male, is having a hard time coping with this transformation I'm going through. He loves and wants to marry Shelbi, but he feels like Sage is a stranger, even though Sage has been there all along and couldn't ever express himself. He loves and supports me, and he assures me that he'll be okay with it, he simply needs time. I believe him, but sometimes I still worry.
My fiance also worries that this transformation is simply a way to avoid dealing with other issues I'm having. I was sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend three years ago, and am still having a hard time dealing with it. But Sage is not a byproduct of the abuse, nor is he a means of escaping my past, because Sage has always been there, long before that abusive person ever came into my life.
I am Sage, the same as I am Shelbi.
...whew...I needed to get that off my chest.
