Sarah and Cole

[XOSarahXO]

My name is Sarah and I'm 25 years old, I'm dating a FtM Nicolas or "Cole" for short (just got his name legally changed this past Wednesday yaaaay ) I guess I've always identified at a lesbian and that always seemed comfortable for me. I knew Cole for over a year...we "dated" for a short time last year when he was still "Nicole" but we had both gotten out of a really crappy relationship and to make a long story short it didn't work out well at all. While we were together he has mentioned how he thought he was trans and asked how I would feel if he had started to transition. I had already had one friend GB who was already over a year on T so I was familiar with the process a bit or so I thought so I was like basically "It's your life and you should do whatever makes you happy." Well 4 months ago Cole and I had started dating again (things are much better this time) and he had started the transition. He's now been on T for just under 7 months. I'm trying to be supportive of this whole process since Cole seems to be having a hard time with his parents (I guess when they read in the local paper about his name change they kind of freaked out). His mother seems to still be against using the proper pronouns and calls him "Nic or Nicky" which he despises. Cole hates to be "outted" as trans so he lives most of his life as stealth except for some close friends and family. The guys at his work have no idea seeing as he works in a mostly male field he's terrified of what the consequences will be if they find out. I really have no problem at all with Cole being an FtM, the problem seems to be with my family or co-workers or other friends that have always identified me as a lesbian. I get constant questions from my family (they know Cole is FtM as well) asking me if I'm a lesbian why would I want to be with a man. The only response I can give is "To me it's not what's in his pants that matters, it's about what's in his head and his heart...and that's the reason I love him!"  It just doesn't seem to be a good enough reason. My co-workers all have asked me why I would date a male...what happened to make me "switch" sexual orientation. It's exhausting. I want to be the best supportive girlfriend I can to Cole but it's really very difficult to have no real emotional release because I'm terrified that telling him about all these questions and statements are going to hurt him. I'm trying to learn as much about the transition process as I can...trying to learn what to expect and how to deal with the stresses of this relationship because a "normal" relationship is difficult enough but dealing with things other don't have to is ten times crazier. I don't really have any friends that are trans that have partners so it's not like I can talk to them. The one friend I do have (GB) his girlfriend doesn't like me so that's out. Maybe this forum could give me some insight on what is ahead, maybe a social group in my area that I could benefit from, some internet sites that can give me information, maybe even a friend or two to connect with on a level where they understand what it's like to me in my shoes? Any advice anyone?

[Luc]

The people who are questioning why you'd be with a man when you were supposedly a lesbian before are obviously not familiar with bisexuality/pansexuality. Unfortunately, the narrow-minded people of the world will always give those whose minds are open a hard time. Good on you for standing up for love regardless of genitalia; perhaps if the world weren't so binary-minded, transfolk would have a better time of things. I had a good friend in college, ten years ago, who was a staunch lesbian. Now, 10 years later, she's been with a genetic male for the past 4 years. Crazier things have happened. And how about all the "straight" men and women who end up in same-sex relationships? People decide that straight is the norm, and assume that if you're not straight, you must be gay. If only folks could get their heads out of their asses.

I'm ftm, and am with a cisgendered girl. The few friends of hers who know I'm trans have wondered why we're together, considering she had only ever been with bio-men before, but I just figure they're closed-minded and unfortunate for it. I could try to help you with some resources, but I'd need to know in which area you live. In the meantime, I'm happy to give any advice necessary--- you can contact me via personal message here on susan's, or add me on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lsd713.

[envie]

I am sorry Sarah you are finding yourself in this situation. I think you have right clues as to looking for a social/support group where you might find understanding and support.

Unfortunately people don't like to think and they like to pigeonhole others. So they basically hate the fact that they have to change the way they think of you and therefor are giving you hard times. Its basically character assassination what they are doing because in their mind you are flip-flopping, deserting you own (lesbian) kind or assuming that perhaps you were never "real" lesbian to begin with or what ever else they might come up with.

In my experience one can't fight these things actively or one gets insane. I would ignore them, find different people to hang out with and expose to them your own vulnerability as little as possible. They are like scavengers, following you when they sense you might brake down so they can get their feast.
You are free person and you can do what ever you want, even change or expend your sexual orientation, which is perhaps what it looks to them like.
Every normal person would agree that you are doing the right thing, which is following your heart.

Stay strong and I wish you two all the best! By the way I would talk to Cole about your struggles then as you are there for him so is he there for you!
I think it can only strengthen the right relationship.