Come one, come all! Help this poor, inquiring soul~

[Lucian]

I was reading Ryan J's post* about work and being trans and it inspired me to do this one.  I have my own questions, and also inquiries into your own experiences.  It's not ftm specific for the most part, so I'd like to hear from everybody who has answers or wishes to share their wisdom.  I guess I'll bullet point it for ease, heh heh.

-If a work place asks for gender as opposed to sex (especially if they're antidiscriminatory-on paper at least) could you legally get away with putting male (as an FTM)?  At the point it wouldn't be considered lying correct?  Or "legally" are gender and sex considered on in the same?

-What are the penalties for putting down the "wrong" sex on job paperwork/has anyone done this?

-How do you deal with the question of sex on paperwork (for jobs an otherwise) while you aren't/weren't legally considered your real gender.

-If you have a name that's obviously the wrong gender for you, but you haven't changed it yet, again, how do you deal with that in situations where your legal name is required?  It really sucks cuz having the wrong name ruins it, and from what I read, the name-changing process is involved and pricey.  Is there no way around this and sex really until you start doing some legal changes?  Kinda grin and bear it?

-How do you handle correcting people who don't know you? More particularly if someone you know uses the wrong pronouns for you (both in front of you, and talking to them about you prior to you meeting this person)?  And what do you do for formal/informal situations (ie: if the unknown person is a potential colleague/employer as opposed to if they're a friend of your friend).

-I also contend with the fact that, as a gay male with a boyfriend, there are a number of people who don't recognize that homosexual couples happen, and automatically assume that the more feminine (moi) must be a girl.  And I'm not assuming here.  I pass pretty consistently, and I've had a conversation with someone who thought in the above manner before I explained to him the nature of my being.  Does anyone else have such experiences they'd like to share, or ways to prevent this or cope etc? 

As a side note, it's so frustrating when you know that you'd pass if it wasn't for that ONE person who keeps ruining it for you.  That's happened to me more often lately.  When I was in college, the people I knew as a girl for a year were respectful enough to switch everything around when I came out.  In addition its frustrating when there's that person who always unintentionally messes up all the time--not cuz they don't accept you, but cuz they're (seemingly) absentminded about the situation or not used to it.  I've run into a couple people like that, and they didn't wind up changing the pronouns to suit me, but I can't be mad cuz I know they don't mean it as anything against me.  I do have to admit though I have a hard time understanding why its that difficult.  I accept it, but I don't quite understand.  I've met plenty of people who will flip it immediately, and a few that are fine with it, but continue using "she".

I guess that's it for now, haha.  I look forward to your feedback.

*https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,102768.msg763683.html#msg763683

[Sunnynight]

I can't answer some of your questions, but I'll give my input on some others.

-If you have a name that's obviously the wrong gender for you, but you haven't changed it yet, again, how do you deal with that in situations where your legal name is required?  It really sucks cuz having the wrong name ruins it, and from what I read, the name-changing process is involved and pricey.  Is there no way around this and sex really until you start doing some legal changes?  Kinda grin and bear it?

I have to wear a name tag at my school and they let me get away with just putting my first initial. When people ask why I just tell them, "I don't know, that's how they made mine." I'm starting to put my non-legal name on documents. I don't see it as any different than when people put a nickname instead of their "real" name.

-How do you handle correcting people who don't know you? More particularly if someone you know uses the wrong pronouns for you (both in front of you, and talking to them about you prior to you meeting this person)?  And what do you do for formal/informal situations (ie: if the unknown person is a potential colleague/employer as opposed to if they're a friend of your friend).

I had one person who would rudely and deliberately use the wrong pronouns. I politely said, "I would prefer if you use female pronouns." After it continued, I talked to some of the administration, who have been very supportive.

-I also contend with the fact that, as a gay male with a boyfriend, there are a number of people who don't recognize that homosexual couples happen, and automatically assume that the more feminine (moi) must be a girl.  And I'm not assuming here.  I pass pretty consistently, and I've had a conversation with someone who thought in the above manner before I explained to him the nature of my being.  Does anyone else have such experiences they'd like to share, or ways to prevent this or cope etc? 

My partner is female and I'm a transwoman. Sometimes I worry that it might be bringing on more scrutiny and outing me, but I just have to not let myself worry about it. If you pass well enough then everyone will just think you're gay, and if anyone is thinking otherwise that's their business and doesn't really have to affect you. "What other people think about me is none of my business."

As a side note, it's so frustrating when you know that you'd pass if it wasn't for that ONE person who keeps ruining it for you.  That's happened to me more often lately.  When I was in college, the people I knew as a girl for a year were respectful enough to switch everything around when I came out.  In addition its frustrating when there's that person who always unintentionally messes up all the time--not cuz they don't accept you, but cuz they're (seemingly) absentminded about the situation or not used to it.  I've run into a couple people like that, and they didn't wind up changing the pronouns to suit me, but I can't be mad cuz I know they don't mean it as anything against me.  I do have to admit though I have a hard time understanding why its that difficult.  I accept it, but I don't quite understand.  I've met plenty of people who will flip it immediately, and a few that are fine with it, but continue using "she".

I give people who've known me since before transition a bit of grace, but if they've just met me I take it as a clear insult and correct them. If I'm with someone who just repeatedly mis-genders me, then I would be a little more firm in correcting them. Let them know that by outing you, they are not just hurting your feelings, but putting you at real risk of injury from others because sadly hate crimes against transgender individuals are as high as affecting 8% of us.

A lot of your questions are going to have answers that depend on how trans-friendly your workplace is, and what their policy is on things. You can take questions to human resources. I wish I could be more helpful.

[Lucian]

ah, I see. 
Yeah, that's what I was curious about.  You mentioned it being no different than putting a nickname on documents.  Is putting a nickname more widely acceptable, or is that confined only to documents that give you that "allowance" in writing?  I suppose it depends.  But thinking more along the lines of job applications and resumes...but, you addressed that with the fact that a lot depends on the work place. 
Thank you for your insight!