Interesting conversation with my wife

[JessicaH]

She's too busy hating my hair, I guess.  I have a feeling people would be shocked if I went back to my old flat-top hair cut. Then they would notice that there is still something different and the hair cut didn't fix it.  I am honestly surprised that she isn't asking questions. I only see her on weekends and I get in late friday night and leave sunday afternoon. I satisfy her needs I guess but I don't initiate as much or bug her about it since I could easily do with out it.

[Maddie Secutura]

I wish I had some sage advice to give you on this but I was never married nor did I really have a well established male life prior to transition.  But I agree your wife will probably feel hurt that you didn't tell her and started moving forward behind her back so to speak.  You could explain that her prejudice against your hair wasn't helping but I think it might make things worse as you'd appear to be making it her fault.  You could just say the reason you waited so long to tell her is because you didn't want to hurt her.  You could say you told others first so she could have someone else to talk to about it.  Granted eight months later is a stretch but again biting the bullet is always tough and making her cry was something you didn't want to do.

Let me know how it goes.

[Randi]

Mine hates my hair with a passion-it's down on my back now and I have no plans to cut it anytime soon. She hates my nails-I keep them painted with clear polish. She knows about my using Estrogen, hates what it has done to my chest, and knows that I will go back on it at the first opportunity-yeah she really hates that thought. She hates the way I dress most of the time-she says my style is girly-duh! Let's see what else is there to hate? Oh yes, I curse a bit and have begun to drink some but not every day. And she hates that I remove all my body hair-her neice commented about how much smoother my skin is than hers(the neice) is and just laughed because she has hirsutism and battles with body hair.

One thing she does like about me is I can fix things that are broken. I guess we all have some redeeming factors. A few months ago she complained that I didn't sleep in the same room with her anymore so I started sleeping there again but we are not intimate-not yet and that was her decision. I'll say it again-there are no easy fixes-at least not for us. At least we are still together-that's something to be thankful for.

Randi

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

people do that, especially family/spouse. they don't try to see anything other than what they want to see it as. you'll have to be straightforward with her. in fact, you could probably look like miss america, and she would probably just say "oh, he's just got a crossdressing fetish. he's still the same man i married x amount of years ago."

[hilah.hayley]

Yes. Almost 8 months now as of the end of this month.

I'm very sorry if I don't agree with many here, but to start on Hormones and begin transition without telling your wife is a horrible thing to do!! Regardless of what you expect the reactions to be or what the fall out will be, you have a responsiblity as an adult and a person that is married to tell your spouse that you will be doing something so drastic!!

You are effectively ending their world as they know it and not giving them a chance to have any say in the process or speed or anything implies that you have no respect for them. Even if you are planning on ending your marriage, they have a RIGHT to know!!

My wife i'm thankful is very understanding and is still with me. I'm scheduled for SRS in 7 weeks from today and my wife supports me. She is still going through her mourning of having lost her husband, but at least I gave her the time to get there and I did the best I could to show her she was still an important person in my life!

IMO if you intended on transitioning, staying married to transition so you don't have the expenses of divorce to contend with is plain wrong. It's not fair to her as a person!! Think of how you would feel if out of the blue someone landed such a shocker on your lap.

"Honey, I'm a transsexual woman and i've been transitioning secretly for the last 8 months. I've decided that i'm leaving you because i'd like to live my own life! Bye!" SERIOUSLY?!! It shows her that you've been lying to her for at leas t the last 8 months!!

No offense but I think that is very very wrong.

[JessicaH]

Honestly, I take no offense to what you say and I agree completely which adds a great amount of guilt on top of everything else. I know it's a deal killer either way in an already difficult relationship and I know that it would have ended the relationship even had I told her before. Do I wish I could go back and do things differently? Absolutely.

[Randi]

If I could go back and do things differently I would keep all of this to myself and get a divorce. I had an 'interesting' talk with her again wherein she said she was tired and sick of finding bras and other female clothing where it should not be. She has also taken several pieces of my things and disposed of them-adding to my anger and she doesn't care. The things that I do just to cope she dismisses with impunity and cares not what I might think about it-so much for getting along well. I have tried to be honest and forthcoming with information but this has proven to be non-productive. Maybe tomorrow will be better???

Tread lightly if you aren't sure how things will go.

Randi

[VeronikaFTH]

I lived with a woman a number of years ago who was perfectly fine with me cross dressing on occasion then she saw me dressed. She screamed at me how she hated me because I looked better than she did in her dress.

So I do think sometimes the issue can be about jealousy.

My ex told me that I'm not allowed to have bigger boobs than her. She's also a bit jealous because she says that after FFS I will look "hotter" than her.

Actually I have had one other girlfriend and my sister tell me they were jealous that I was going to be hotter than them (which is crap, my sister is gorgeous). But I usually play into it... My response is usually "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." LOL...

[JessicaH]

Maybe tomorrow will be better???

Randi

I don't want to put her in a bad light but I will say that I have been miserable for years and felt unloved for the most part. It's time I grow a spine and do the dirty work of grown-ups. I need to quit mortgaging tomorrow joy with todays peace. I know what I have to do.  Thank you all for your input. Especially Hayley, for whom I admire for your courage and strength of character.

[Caith]

Good luck, Jess.  You're going to need it. 

[tekla]

I'm not a lawyer.  This is not paid-for legal advice.

But I'd bet any lawyer you talk to would tell you to get out a head of all of this now, before any of the rest becomes an issue.

[JessicaH]

It seems more and more obvious that the relationship has lasted too long. I didnt see her for almost two weeks and the first day I'm home she gets mad at me for no apparant reason and just keeps sayin "it's nothing." Prtty much ruined the weekend. 

[SandraJane]

Jessica, Jessica...when we were msg'n last week I didn't know about this Thread! Yeah, Tekla and Melody Mia have the right advice, NOW while you are ahead! Remember you got other assets, don't think she can't get them either or get some $$$Divorce Lawyer out of Dallas or Houston...and take you to some backwater town to hear the divorce! 

And even though there are caps for child support, what about Attorney's fees? This could drag out for a long time, jump to the punch now! Also, your joint accounts could get frozen ,and what would your employer do to you?You do what you have to do and this is the price. No need to tell you so, you know that!

One other thing...YOUR COMPUTER! Can she subpoena your computer, iPod, Android, Blackberry, etc, personal and work, even this sites logs if she finds out about your posts here?

May sound like bashing, but time to move...

[justmeinoz]

Thank goodness my wife left me for her best friend several years before I realised I was TS. 
If you have an adversarial Divorce system I'd be getting the nastiest lawyer you can find right now.  You really do need to tell her what is going on as soon as possible too. It surely can't make things much worse, especially if you have retained the best lawyer in town.
"it's nothing" is a way of telling you you are in deepest doodoo, but no need to tell a married person that.
Hope it all works out so you don't suffer too much.
Karen.

[SandraJane]

We do, and Texas is a Community Property state. Ouch!

[Ann Onymous]

Jessica, Jessica...when we were msg'n last week I didn't know about this Thread! Yeah, Tekla and Melody Mia have the right advice, NOW while you are ahead! Remember you got other assets, don't think she can't get them either or get some $$$Divorce Lawyer out of Dallas or Houston...and take you to some backwater town to hear the divorce! 

If residency is officially in the Metroplex, then jurisdiction will essentially rest up there...not to mention that the judges up there are arguably a little more liberal than what would be found in the other location.

And even though there are caps for child support, what about Attorney's fees? This could drag out for a long time, jump to the punch now! Also, your joint accounts could get frozen ,and what would your employer do to you?You do what you have to do and this is the price. No need to tell you so, you know that!

No caps on fees...and good divorce attorneys make quite a bit per hour...even the crappy ones tend to bill out at roughly $250 an hour.  Some of our clients that had a concurrent divorce going on were paying closer to $400 for their representation.  Spouse was paying a similar rate.  And family/civil attorneys tend to start the fee clock running every time they pick up the phone or answer an email...one of many reasons I am glad I don't have a civil caseload- I hate keeping track of time.  Give me flat fee work any day of the week...

One other thing...YOUR COMPUTER! Can she subpoena your computer, iPod, Android, Blackberry, etc, personal and work, even this sites logs if she finds out about your posts here?

May sound like bashing, but time to move...

Lots of stuff comes out in depositions if the divorce gets nasty...

Had I realized all this stuff was going on, I might have pushed a little more for a quick meet-up when I was up there this past weekend...I had time to kill on Saturday before checking out and heading home.  While most of my contacts are doing criminal work, I guarantee you that with a few calls I could have had you in touch with someone they would look to hire themselves if they needed family law work done...

[SandraJane]

Thank You Ann O, hoped you would see this and connect with her!

[JessicaH]

We have been married 19 years and the whole time has been a struggle. I don't think she would try and spend money on a lawyer if I offered her a fair settlement which I would. I really just want my personal things and she can have most of everything else. I want my kids to stay in their home (and her too) so I will be happy to pay more to make sure that happens but if she tries to screw me over, she will end up with the bare minimum child support which is 25% which wouldn't even pay the house note which is $1,800 after taxes and insurance are added in.

I will treat her more than fair because I want her to be ok and I don't want their standard of living to change much. I will just have to work harder and make more money to keep up which is ok. Also, my wife will probably get a sizeable settlement by early next year over a wrongful death suit which loooks like a slam dunk.  That should pay off the house and cars and she should be set.

[Ann Onymous]

I don't think she would try and spend money on a lawyer if I offered her a fair settlement which I would.

Never underestimate how quickly gloves come off in a divorce proceeding...I have known more than one case where both spouses/partners believed an amicable settlement would exist that precluded getting attorneys involved...only to have one decide to run the papers by counsel 'just to make sure everything was done correctly.'  Next thing you know, it is a three-year legal battle that just dragged on and on and on...