I hate myself right now.

[quinn]

I've been on T for seven weeks now, and recently increased my dose (it was half the usual dose before, but on my most recent shot I took the full dose), and lately I've noticed that I'm a hell of a lot more of a jerk than I ever was before. I don't know whether it has anything to do with being on T, or if I just feel more confident now and refuse to be anyone's doormat, so to speak. But it seems like any little thing just pisses me off way more than it normally would. I feel angry a lot more than before, and not always for a good reason either. Stuff that didn't bother me that much before really gets under my skin now, and I flip out at the most random unexpected moments, usually at random strangers who weren't even trying to offend me.

I guess part of it is that at work, I'm now dealing with really pissed off customers (most of whom have no real reason to be mad*) and I have to apologize for things that aren't my fault, and basically act like their lapdog and pretend that the fact that they got an overdraft fee when they paid the company is entirely my fault, not theirs for keeping a pathetic $4.32 in their bank account when they know their payment of $49.99 is due. (That's not the best example, but I can't be bothered explaining the more common things that go on because I'd have to go on and on about what the company does, why it is the way it is, and you'll probably be bored by that anyhow.)

But my point is, it's just getting to be a bit overwhelming. Life, whatever. Lately I'm always feeling angry, or tense, or anxious, etc and I just have to keep holding it in and holding it in (because, obviously, I can't exactly tell any of our customers that it's their own fault that their financial situation is screwed up, and they need to learn how to f***ing budget) until some random person says something to me that offends me and then I just flip out. Then, afterwards, I feel like a complete fool.  And it doesn't help that I'm already depressed, and dealing with a lot of other emotional f***-ups besides.

Anyone else go through this? Is it just a phase, something that I'll be done with once my body finally adjusts (which I assume would be at about the same time as when I'll stop bleeding)?

*ironic, isn't it, since I have no reason to be mad either... 

[Joelene9]

  Quinn, this you described is a male thing.  You have to learn to turn off those jerk feelings!  I had to learn in a hurry when I joined the Navy as a teenager.  You are turning into an adolescent male with the T.  Your customers are the jerks, you have to take the high road here.  Be calm and enjoy the horror show.  I did and stopped having nightmares long ago.  My sister was working in a financial part of her company.  She had the same customers that weren't taught to keep a budget.  I am paying for those spendthrifts with higher taxes and less amenities with my bank because of them!  Learning and practicing patience in my male mode is actually helping my transition to female. 
  Joelene

[Noah G.]

I've experienced very close to the same thing before except that I never actually flipped out on anyone (though that's because I'm the sort of person who isn't bothered by 99.9% of what people say or do unless I'm already teetering on the edge...or I'm driving). It also probably helps that I tend to physically vent frustration...I punched an ice cream machine at work once (out of view of customers) during a particularly bad day when I was just tense in general. As regards apologizing to customers when it's not my fault: I don't know, I've never had a problem with it, I guess because I've just seen it as apologizing on behalf of the company or whatever in general and I only apologize when a mistake or miscommunication was made and use it as a recognition as to why they are upset or raising the issue. It doesn't mean I'm actually sorry, per se, if that makes sense, just using it to calm them down a bit so something can be done or figured out.

I know, for me, that it has been stress-related -- I can eliminate T as a cause as I'm pre-T. Stress can do all sorts of things. This could well be part of it for you as well given that you said you've been holding things in a lot (not releasing that frustration, even afterwards, shortens the fuse even from day-to-day), are depressed, and dealing with other things on top of it all. Perhaps T is a contributing factor, especially with the improved confidence and self-esteem ("refuse to be anyone's doormat"), who knows.

My guess is that this will pass, and dealing with the stress and frustration will help. Just my two cents from my own experience.

[Ryno]

Keep in mind those morons arenèt mad at you, they're mad at the compay and the situation and you just happen to be the first face they can talk to about it.

The guy who trained me is this ridiculous customer-service master. He throws out themost sincere apologies, practically becomes best friends with his customers, looks like a total suck up, and as soon as they're gone he'll turn around to you and be like, "Dude, did you see that bitch? Whooaa, what a ->-bleeped-<-."

You're paid to be a kiss-ass. That's the bottom line.

However, I suppose you know all that. Here's another bit of food for thought: think of all the 14-year-old turds walking around acting like the toughest ->-bleeped-<-. You're going through the same thing. Only you're older and mature enough to realize you'e not the toughest ->-bleeped-<-. But you still have the mood swings that come with adjusting to new levels of hormones.

If three years from now you're still going through intense rages I'd tak to a doctor. But 7 weeks into your HRT, especially after a sudden increase, I'd wager that it's perfectly normal...

[tekla]

if I just feel more confident now and refuse to be anyone's doormat, so to speak. But it seems like any little thing just pisses me off way more than it normally would.

Nah, you are not confident.  Confident people rarely, if ever, get mad at other people.  What can other people do?  Nothing.

[JohnAlex]

if I just feel more confident now and refuse to be anyone's doormat, so to speak. But it seems like any little thing just pisses me off way more than it normally would.

Nah, you are not confident.  Confident people rarely, if ever, get mad at other people.  What can other people do?  Nothing.

Nah, I completely disagree.  Confident people can get mad like anyone else.  Confident does not mean a nice person or a good person.  and I don't think you know enough about him from this post to say for yourself if he is confident or not.

[Ratchet]

I've been on T for seven weeks now, and recently increased my dose (it was half the usual dose before, but on my most recent shot I took the full dose), and lately I've noticed that I'm a hell of a lot more of a jerk than I ever was before. I don't know whether it has anything to do with being on T, or if I just feel more confident now and refuse to be anyone's doormat, so to speak. But it seems like any little thing just pisses me off way more than it normally would. I feel angry a lot more than before, and not always for a good reason either. Stuff that didn't bother me that much before really gets under my skin now, and I flip out at the most random unexpected moments, usually at random strangers who weren't even trying to offend me.

I always wondered if this happened to other people. But I have to agree. When I first started T, as my best friend I lived with at the time said, I started turning into a really big butthole. Not that I meant to, but I really did get angry over everything. Little things. I would bite back to comments. I remember just getting so mad sometimes, and going outside and just punching and punching things until my hands were swollen. I don't know if it was because the T was making me more aggressive and I didn't know how to deal with it or what. But now I'm not like that at all. It's been about 3 years on T, so I would venture to say it's temporary. But every person is different.

I learned to deal with my aggression and angry. I work out to relieve stress. I just try and remind myself that there's only so much I can do, and I will do whatever I can. I worked retail, and customer want to blame you, but the best way to deal with them in smile, do what is within your ability to do and let them say what they have to say. Because you can't change them. You can just be you, and not let it get to you.

So basically, I try not to let the small things get to me. I try to be relaxed and calm, and honestly, my best friend comments that I'm much better now. I'm happy, confident, and in control. You just have to learn what it takes to control yourself.

[Cindy]

T does that to guys.

the reason we take our sons to sports etc is so they can drive off their aggression. And I do not mean that in a flippant way. Many males are very aggressive but it is counter productive, you are going to meet another guy more aggressive and more violent than you. I do not mean this rudely, but if you get into aggressive behaviour with a cis-guy his upper body muscle is probably heaps more than yours. And he will beat the s**t out of you. Learning to control your male aggression is a very important part of being male. It does not come with a rule book.

Oh when I was presenting as male I did get into fights. Being beaten up is not a leisure sport.

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

And just remember, they are the ones on the customer's side of the counter!

Karen.

[bojangles]

I went through a time like that & it turned out my levels were about twice what they should have been.
Fine tuning dosage and frequency has made a big difference.

[AbraCadabra]

I recall a AMAB work colleague, who was injecting T for improved performance in his "Strong Man Completion".
It was sometimes almost frightening to see how this former softy became aggro and VERY short tempered.

I go along with some of the girls' comments to work it off in some sports. A MUCH better idea then working it off on SAT-night-fighting :-)

My 2 cents,
Axélle

[tekla]

his upper body muscle is probably heaps more than yours. [He's had more practice too.]  And he will beat the s**t out of you.  [And all the other guys will stand around and laugh.]

And if it's at work, you're also fired.

I don't think you know enough about him from this post to say for yourself if he is confident or not.
I don't know anything about him.  But I do know a lot about totally confident people.  Truly confident people, not poseurs.  And calm is part of the great gift of confidence.  You don't have to react, you're already right, you're just waiting for everyone else to agree.  You find that real confident people are never jerks, they don't have to be (you're covering that waterfront already), they don't get all hot, they get cool, if not cold.  Think Meryl Streep's role in The Devil Wears Prada.  She's not yelling, screaming, none of that.

You need to spend a lot more time watching people who have true confidence and not some form of Dutch courage.