I'm not sure if it is a social faux-pas to introduce oneself and then vent, but oh well.
First, HI! I'm Florian. I'm from Canada and I'm 18. Feel free to ask other questions.
Next, the rant:
Growing up, I was the "girly-est" thing ever. I loved pink, dolls, glitter, the little mermaid, make up, dresses, you name it.
I did more trad. "masculine" things... I liked wrestling and running around with my friends, watching hockey with my dad, as well as neutral things
like reading, video games etc.
I read stories trans-guys write about their childhoods, and 99% of the time I feel like I can't relate. I appreciate that they were tomboys, they refused to wear skirts etc etc and all of that stuff, but I wasn't. And that led me, for many years, to agonize over whether I was "really a guy" or not.
The first time I thought about being a guy I was around 3-5. I was lying on the floor in the bathroom (made sense when I was 3, lol) and it just occurred to me that boys and girls were different, and that I was a boy. But i felt confused too, because I liked to do "girl things" and I thought "boy things", like boy clothes and toys, were ugly or boring, and the way the boys my age acted was often very aggressive or just plain cruel.
The next time I really thought about it I was 6 or 7. I was watching a movie with my then best friend, a girl who lived across the back lane. We were watching "Phantom of the Paradise". For those that haven't seen it, it's basically a mash-up of the picture of dorian gray and a rock-n-roll version of phantom of the opera. I reccomend it, haha. ANYWAY, the main character Winslow is disfigured, and breaks into the paradise club and steals a costume to conceal himself. He wears black lipstick, a avian sort of silver helmet, an edward scissorhands-esque leather outfit, boots and a cape.
And my six year old self sees this and I think,
Sweet mother of God, that is beautiful. I want to be with him.. No, I want to be him.
I was abused as a child, and I kept my feelings as far from my mind as i possibly could. Including ones about gender.
I started to really notice the difference between myself and "other girls" in about third grade. Something had just... changed. I didn't know what
it was at the time. I just didn't fit with the girls or the boys. Later in elementary I found 2 girls I could be friends with. We were the "smart weirdos".
I started to become truly dysphoric after I got my period. When I was younger, I was really looking forward to puberty and having my body change. I was really uncomfortable when my chest started growing, and I wore baggy clothes to cover it up. When I finally hit puberty I realized. Oh God. This is all wrong. What came after was 6 years of mental toture, depression, self injury, abusive relationships and several failed attempts to communicate to my parents what I was going through. Now I'm trying to realize even someone that grows up the way I did can be a guy, because I'm a guy. That simple.
TL;DR: Do you ever question your identity/feel dysphoric looking back on yourself and any ways that you were feminine?
