Arousal causing confusion for me..

[lauren3]

Basically I get turned on very easily, and it has created a lot of confusion for me, in regards to being trans. This has plagued me since I first had issues with my gender. I began crossdressing when I was around 9 years old. At times it was for sexual gratification and other times it was just to be.. to feel like a girl. To be like the ones I envied. It wasn't every time I cross-dressed, but I couldn't help but get aroused. Over the years as my gender issues grew.. I still got aroused quite easily when it came to girl's underwear. I would use masturbation as a way to escape how bad and depressed I felt inside. It was the only thing that would make me feel good. It confused me, because I wanted to be one of the girls - yet when it came to dressing up, or participating in girly activities that made me happy.. I would occasionally get excited or aroused. I wasn't sure who I was, and I labelled myself as a cross-dresser/->-bleeped-<- for a year or so. I first started to experience the full dysphoria that I now do everyday.. was when I was around 14/15 years old.

I had experienced longing and depression about wanting to be a girl before (with no arousal etc) but when I turned 14 was the first time I truly experienced the depth and darkness of my gender dysphoria, which was triggered mainly by one girl. Over the past 5 and a half years it has grown into the monster it is today - it consumes just about every part of my day and night, both on a social and body level and triggered by any girl in sight.. it has pushed me truly to the breaking point. It gets hard to operate normally sometimes and I'm seriously considering coming out and transitioning soon.

The level of arousal over the years has decreased, but on the odd occasion it will pop up (pardon the pun) - when I'm wearing thongs for example, or even when I'm treated in a feminine manner or the way I've always wanted to be treated - as a girl. It's confusing and frustrating and it makes me feel less trans - and certainly muddies the water. I wish my sex drive was lower and didn't interfere with the way I feel inside.

So what do you girls think? Is this particularly rare? Have you experienced it? Should I be worried or look at it a bit more closely? I have no doubt in my mind that I want to become the girl I've always felt inside through transition, but as I said - this confuses and hurts me. I don't want to be turned on. And when it happens it just kills me. It makes me doubt myself, and keeps me on the fence. As I said it is quite rare, but when it does happen - I think maybe it's just natural to be excited that I'm being treated the way I want, and the arousal is an occasional side effect of that.

Sigh. Help me

[Cirnobyl]

Hun, let me tell ya. I did the same thing. DOn't be confused, because its not you, its the testosterone. A chemical is what is making you feel the way you do. If you are female brained, you will respond very well to estrogen, and your sex drive will change. "Arousal" will take on a whole new meaning.

But just for reference, before I transitioned I masturbated at least once a day, sometimes to porn. I'd usually imagine myself as a girl (or the girl, if using visual aids), so it became a kind of escape tool for me. I couldn't even look at a girl IRL, because of the confusing swirl of feelings. Jealousy, Arousal, loneliness...I hear you there.

Now 5 months on HRT, things feel very different. I talk with girls in a totally normal fashion. Most don't even suspect I'm not female. I feel VERY attracted to the men in my life, particularly one...and men in general look far more appealing then before. Part of that I think, is that when with gender dysphoria, you hate your MALE body, and that carries over to all men. THe less you hate YOUR body, the more comfortable you'll be around real men.

Lastly, my advice to anyone: Don't be afraid to be a freak, and don't be afraid to stand out. Just don't be afraid in general. FEAR is the demon you have to beat to become your true self.

[Jenny_B_Good]

Lauren,

I kinda relate to you too. I will say that the human animal is a creature of habit. So it is possible for us to "train" ourselves unawares.
If you masturbated ( action ) while feeling like a girl ( emotion ) it is possible that when you take an action - you feel an emotion: and when you feel an emotion you will perform an action.

This is basic psychology. Good news is that it is reversible.
  My advice is- don't beat yourself up for being human. Humans have a sex drive. Whether male, female or transgendered. Enjoy life and give up feeling guilt. It's better to feel happy.

Truly,

Jenny

[V M]

Being easily aroused is part of being young and quite normal    Mr. Happy can make an appearance at the worst and most embarrassing times for seemingly no reason... Oh, it's windy outside... BOING!!!

The most embarrassing time that I can remember was when my grandparents and other relatives were visiting... We all went to a smorgasbord restaurant...
I was wishing I could be as pretty as our waitresses and got aroused right about the time it was time to go... One of my relatives, (I think was an Uncle) pointed and said "Someone likes somebody here" and everyone laughed at me and made quips for what seemed like forever

Anyone who says they've never masturbated is a liar

[VeryGnawty]

If you are female brained, you will respond very well to estrogen, and your sex drive will change. "Arousal" will take on a whole new meaning.

I agree.  If anything, I am aroused much more frequently than I was nine months ago.  But the experience of arousal is completely different.

[Padma]

Oh, gods, please, not more libido than I already have...

[AbraCadabra]

Padma,
* ...the experience of arousal is completely different. *

Aye, IT IS.
More 'fluffy' and 'warm' and... well, less hard-core horny.
Kind of more like giving hugs rather then f**ks, um? :-)

But baby, when things are moving --- I have no idea how ggs can't keep a lid on it as so many seem to do.

Is it our coy Western cultural socialization?
Sometimes I feel sorry for all this apparent repression that's going on. Such a shame it is!

Thoughts from the big chair,
Axelle

[Amazon D]

That sounds a lot like the hell i went through pre transitioning. The problem is it kept me alone. It became my lover. I wasn't able to connect to real people. It was all fantasy. I hope you don't waste your life like i did. I hope you nip it in the bud and get that nasty male sex drive gone asap. I was so glad i got rid of mine with HRT and then after 3 months an orchiectomy and then later 6 month i got my GRS. I had taken hormones to prevent hair loss which chemically castrated me and made my life so much better. I was like wow two weeks went by where i didn't touch myself. It was wonderful. I then went back to prepuberty and was able to rebuild me. My new mental tapes are me free from the past testosterone influenced mental tapes. That is where we do separate from that past person to become the person we should have become at puberty. However, we had testes and they controlled our lives and thoughts. many carry that aspect over into transitioning which to me is a shame as they never get a chance to regrow as that lil girl and become the person they should have become. Yes today i am still single but you know i love me. I like me. That means so much more to me than any of the sex i ever had. please think about how the testes control your thoughts and think as if you never had them. Plan on getting rid of them asap. Life is wonderful because now i think like a woman where if the lights don't go on upstairs in my mind they surely won't go on downstairs between my legs. Oh i am almost 15 yrs post op. I hope you grow into that woman / womyn and don't waste your life following a crazed sex drive.

hugs D

[AbraCadabra]

Hi dear,
not sure, you may be addressing me. :-)

* I was like wow two weeks went by where i didn't touch myself. *

Well, that's me too. In fact I can really well deal with it, yet no need to forgo orgasms just "to handle" my sex drive.

I can enjoy being close and getting teased with no need what ever to be all over the "teaser".
In fact, it's me rather that likes to play - if I feel like playing, or playing along.

Having a VERY high libido is just as ->-bleeped-<-ty as having none at all. Just my notion. If libido does not become debilitating it actually can be energising. If being VERY low, then life starts to feel like a drag. Flirting a no-no, talking to people and communicating a drag.

That's just my experience. And then when you come --- who cares if you scream the roof down?

A girl for all seasons, I like that :-)

Axelle
PS: I do cook well too, what a nice gentle act of foreplay, for all I can tell :-)

[Amazon D]

No Axelle i wasn't responding to you. Its great you found some happiness.

[Lucy O Connell]

i found personally that i am like this too, i get aroused too but the best way to think of this is basically , your exactly like a cis lesbian woman which is how i considering myself, lesbian, so there is nothing wrong with this and what someone said earlier about loving yourself and not hating the male things, I don't hate anything male about myself but i do wish i was a girl head to toe, as i love to look my best, i could never have a relationship with a man but i don't mind having male friends, so just like me you could be a lesbian trans woman so until you start hormones(Estrogen) you will find your body(not your mind) gets chemical imbalance's and this makes you aroused when you see other women because not only are you attracted to them you also wish you looked like them and i personally feel that way but it's not the end of the world, just talk to your doctor, get your appointment for your HRT and I'm sure everything in your life will fit together(or so I'm told) you definaly don't get aroused like you used to that's for sure so maybe this will help with problems down there xxx

[Karla]

I think a lot of what transition means is to reach a certain balance where you're always who you are and also undoing much of the conditioning that you or others put you through, and for some that manifests in male-type sex drive or impulses while for others it's a social dysfunction thing...

Whatever it is, you have to realize that you are stronger than any of it and some day you will feel 'home' in your body and your mind, and I totally agree with Amazon D about getting to the core of who you are (I presume that's what people call soul searching) and discover yourself from the ground up.

[VeronikaFTH]

Yeah, it's pretty much the testosterone. It's possible to get turned on by just about anything when you're loaded with T. I did the same things, don't worry.

Going through puberty as a boy was hell for me. I hated the raging testosterone.. it was horrid.

Once I got my testosterone level down and started on the estrogen, I started feeling wonderful. :-) Sex drive is controllable now, it's a choice instead of a compulsion. I'm not turned on one bit by any of it anymore.

I understand the confusion you must be going through, I went through a similar thought process... actually the fact that it used to be arousing for me at times just made me think that maybe I was some kind of pervert or something and not trans. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it and realize that it was much much more than that.

The fact that you are so upset by the fact it turns you on, and you don't want to be turned on by it, tells me that you're just being controlled by the T. I was the same way.. I felt horrid about being turned on by it. One of the things that really helped clear my head was going on the hormones. I knew within a month or two that I was doing the right thing, based on how I felt.

If I were you, I'd try starting on testosterone blockers, and maybe a low dose of estrogen, and see if you don't feel a lot better. A short-term trial period (under six months) won't cause any real long-term effects. Once you get that T out of your system and can think with the correct head again, I'm sure you'll be able to sort out your feelings much more effectively. Listen to your emotions and how you feel as you go, and you'll know if you're on the right track or not.

I know I made the right choice. 

[Jenny_B_Good]

I think a lot of what transition means is to reach a certain balance where you're always who you are and also undoing much of the conditioning that you or others put you through, and for some that manifests in male-type sex drive or impulses while for others it's a social dysfunction thing...

I have to totally agree with you there. Sometimes I'm glad I am on this path, because I believe many more people would benefit from this mindset yet don't do it unless forced to by circumstance.... well much like me now

[Caith]

This thread describes how I feel very often, even three months after orchiectomy.  My T level is at 10, strictly adrenal testosterone like any normal woman, but I still have erections at inappropriate moments.  I discussed it with my therapist yesterday and the answer is, I have to un-learn 50 years of conditioning.  It won't be easy, but it's definitely possible.  Good luck with it, you're not alone, and it doesn't mean you're not a girl.  Your mind defines who you are, not your genitals.

[VeronikaFTH]

Well, natal women get aroused at times too... It's just that since we have a lot of erectile tissue, that's the response our bodies give, and it's harder to hide.

Thankfully I almost never get one unless I'm trying for it.

[Beni76]

Just have to say thanks.... this thread has answered so many questions. I have felt all of this ( as described ) too and always thought it was the dreaded T. I have tried to tell doctors / pysch's this, only to be told AA's would be of no benefit to me what so ever

[Amazon D]

A class like this should be taught to all male bodied people from an early age to educate them on whats happening to their bodies. Maybe even giving them spiranolactone to experience the lack of sex drive for a while

[Karla]

A class like this should be taught to all male bodied people from an early age to educate them on whats happening to their bodies. Maybe even giving them spiranolactone to experience the lack of sex drive for a while

I'd rather be spared both experiences 
Sex drive is not really an issue for me though.

[JessicaH]

Sigh. Help me

Your post closely mirrors my past. Since about a month after starting HRT, I only got erections when I wanted then and lost most interest in "solo" activities and porn. I am much more content with my sexuality now than I ever have been in my life.  I had the same worries as you and my solution was to do a trial of HRT and drive my T levels really low to make sure I still felt the same way and I did. IF your T levels drop and you suddenly think, "wow, all this crossdressing and girly stuff is stupid", then you have to have some serious concerns.