There isn't a clean answer for it. Psychologists and my Therapists (who I see at least once a week) have been trying to figure out, or map out, the chain of events that bring me to the point of losing my grip to stay alive. I will suddenly go into massive depressions that instead of just not wanting to do anything, I will actively seek out and do things to destroy myself. Hence, getting banned for 3 months from here. I acted with intention, the admin had no other choice.
The main thing that everyone seems to agree on, is that I am absolutely not afraid to die. I have a past that is not open for discussion, not even to those closest to me. Never has, never will. I have managed to forget a lot, a forced ECT altered the amount of memories I have, although they are coming back. I was never afraid to complete what I set out to do, despite the amount of evilness involved.
The point of it is, I am that person who doesn't have a right to be alive, and I know it. I maintain a very loose grip on life. I do it in defiance of all that I have, which is nothing but memories. Those can consist of that same defiance that kept me alive in the past. I have seen myself,looking at my body, telling me to get up. More than once. I have heard the sound of monitors on me flatline. I have come back in defiance.
Yet that same defiance works against me at times, to often, to die. There isn't a reason, there isn't a clue as to why that happens, the only thing that has any kind of common thread is only now becoming apparent. There seems to be a level of PTSD that I am only slightly aware of. I am learning to be more aware and define it. Maybe then therapy might work. All the methods available have failed. I am a curiosity to mental health. I am undefined. NOS.
One of the weird results of taking Spiro, is the level of never ending anger has been lowered to a point where I can see past it, at times. Actually it was something I had hoped it would do and it has done that. Going on a year now. But, I still am not afraid of dying. But, I am more likely to be the person who pushes you out of the way of harm, only to end up dying myself. Another form of defiance, I suppose a good one.
This is to long and to much to think about. The bottom line unfortunately, is that I don't know and neither do Psychologists, nor all the rest of the people in place to care for me, know how to even come close to stopping me. Weird. When it happens I am not really aware enough to engage those people. I do it with intent. What ever small part of me that understands, will try to keep me alive, I suppose. It is small, yet strong. I would very much like to get to know it better. It just could be the answer. It is a part of my defiance, which is very strong and won't in a sense allow that door to open.
In all other ways of life as a non-Binary, which is separate from all that for the most part, is quite ordinary. It is as most peoples lives are. With the exception of my network of people that watch and look for signs of change. I live a life of forced retirement, but, that has lots of opportunity in itself.
On an edge, always,
Ativan
