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Falling out of Gender roles

Started by Ryno, September 23, 2011, 12:39:50 PM

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Ryno

I was talking with my supervisor last night, who is a liberal-minded, bubbly, joyful young woman. We were closing the store with a few others an while she and I were counting down my cash register, she was about to tell me about how another supervisor pissed her off that morning. So I crossed my arms an said, "Cool, gossip." I must have said it in a "womanly" way, if that's possible, because the next thing she did was burst out laughing and say, "Ryan, sometimes I really wonder if you're really a girl."

My reaction: Laugh it off and tell her I grew up in a weird family with an effeminate father, and she went on to talk about her feminine dad.

Phew, that was close.


Well, it got me thinking... when playing the girl role, I was fairly masculine and some people found me intimidating on occasion... but that was socially acceptable. Now that I'm seen as a man, I'm meek and girly. I felt at first that I needed to step up the masculine side, to start being a "real man", be a jerk, be dominant, be emotionless and stoic. But really, that's so far from me that I wondered what the point of transitioning even was if it meant suddenly playing a new role that just didn't fit.

I occasionally wonder if this means I am not trans. I mean, sure, labels are just a superficial way of sticking people into nice little categories and communities. I shouldn't worry too much about giving myself a name for my identity. But I really did wonder, if I am not masculine enough to be a man, and not feminine enough to be a woman, what the hell am I?

Then it hit me. I am transgender. I identify as being a masculine, male person. I appreciate shaking hands, being sir'd, being referred to with male pronouns, being treated as a man as opposed to a woman. But at the same time, I carry a few traditionally female characteristics. Do I wish I could be a little different? Absolutely, but why should I spend my time and energy wishing for something I can't force?

I had a friend, male in every genetic way possible and completely heterosexual, who enjoyed knitting, used somewhat feminine gestures, was completely respectful and understanding on an emotional level, and even joked around that he was a lesbian in a man's body (without any desire to transition). He just naturally fit in a less typically-male role and people were okay with it.

I guess I'm just writing this as a way to accept my own weird gender identity and expression. While I felt more dominant as a masculine woman, I feel a lot more comfortable and relaxed as a feminine man. Maybe that will change as I start hormone therapy and my brain chemistry may be restructured a bit to make me feel more masculine. But for now, I think I'm completely okay being the slightly flamboyant, heterosexual man I am and I'll be fine if I end up always being this way...
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Jasper

Congratulations on discovering yourself!

About halfway down your post I started thinking to myself, "Oh no...he was feeling so comfortable with himself and now he's second-guessing himself!!" but then I kept reading. And I'm so happy for you that you're okay with being who you are.

And who says that there's something wrong with being the flamboyant heterosexual man that you are? If you're happier that way than being who you were before, then stick to your inner self and carry on. :)
~Jasper~
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Amazon D

Quote from: Jasper on September 23, 2011, 01:08:49 PM
Congratulations on discovering yourself!

About halfway down your post I started thinking to myself, "Oh no...he was feeling so comfortable with himself and now he's second-guessing himself!!" but then I kept reading. And I'm so happy for you that you're okay with being who you are.

And who says that there's something wrong with being the flamboyant heterosexual man that you are? If you're happier that way than being who you were before, then stick to your inner self and carry on. :)

DITTO :)
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE

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RhinoP

Honestly, I can act pretty cool and "bro"-ish when I want to, and while it's going on, I feel no problem with it. However, I only act that way around guys who I actually have a crush on, as a way to get all physical and touchy with them. Since I'm in boy mode, it's really the only way I get to touch guys apart from searching for gay guys to flirt with. Also, when I'm worn out and grumpy, I guess I act more like a grump than really "male or female", but my spinal problems and domineering facial features usually cause me to appear very masculine in gait even if I'm not trying to act like anything.

The times I feel most in control, though, is when I feel pretty and female. It indeed gives me a sense of confidence and control, as though I'm the most important person to me. I'm just not really a cool guy, and at most, when I'm in guy mode, I feel "comfortable yet nervous". At the very most, I just get a little flirty and drunk, or I'll act very female around an intensively close friend who's a girl. I've just never had one good day during boy mode though, and if I was born a girl, I feel like every day would have been a good day; I'd have been able to experience so much - sex, relationships, certain careers and jobs, certain friends and hobbies, I'd have been able to do everything I've always wanted.

Reason I want to transition now is because I still think there's a chance I can do those things. If laws were passed that I could never be an actress, that I could never date a boy, that I could never wear make-up, that I could never listen to girlie music, that I could never dress how I want to, that I couldn't do all those things, I'd truly commit suicide. I have so much to live for in girl mode, guy mode is getting so old and painful, and mostly, lonely.
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bojangles

Maybe we just have a natural tendency to be self conscious about this stuff, where others might not think twice about it.
Most of the guys I know have at least one somewhat "feminine" trait that I didn't even notice before transitioning.
Now I'm looking close at everything to learn. They've probably already been through their learning curves and are on the other side, where we'll be eventually. Not that we ever stop learning, but at some point we'll be comfortable enough with our own particular style of manhood...once we figure out what it is. Not everybody can be a bubba.  :laugh:
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