I was talking with my supervisor last night, who is a liberal-minded, bubbly, joyful young woman. We were closing the store with a few others an while she and I were counting down my cash register, she was about to tell me about how another supervisor pissed her off that morning. So I crossed my arms an said, "Cool, gossip." I must have said it in a "womanly" way, if that's possible, because the next thing she did was burst out laughing and say, "Ryan, sometimes I really wonder if you're really a girl."
My reaction: Laugh it off and tell her I grew up in a weird family with an effeminate father, and she went on to talk about her feminine dad.
Phew, that was close.
Well, it got me thinking... when playing the girl role, I was fairly masculine and some people found me intimidating on occasion... but that was socially acceptable. Now that I'm seen as a man, I'm meek and girly. I felt at first that I needed to step up the masculine side, to start being a "real man", be a jerk, be dominant, be emotionless and stoic. But really, that's so far from me that I wondered what the point of transitioning even was if it meant suddenly playing a new role that just didn't fit.
I occasionally wonder if this means I am not trans. I mean, sure, labels are just a superficial way of sticking people into nice little categories and communities. I shouldn't worry too much about giving myself a name for my identity. But I really did wonder, if I am not masculine enough to be a man, and not feminine enough to be a woman, what the hell am I?
Then it hit me. I am transgender. I identify as being a masculine, male person. I appreciate shaking hands, being sir'd, being referred to with male pronouns, being treated as a man as opposed to a woman. But at the same time, I carry a few traditionally female characteristics. Do I wish I could be a little different? Absolutely, but why should I spend my time and energy wishing for something I can't force?
I had a friend, male in every genetic way possible and completely heterosexual, who enjoyed knitting, used somewhat feminine gestures, was completely respectful and understanding on an emotional level, and even joked around that he was a lesbian in a man's body (without any desire to transition). He just naturally fit in a less typically-male role and people were okay with it.
I guess I'm just writing this as a way to accept my own weird gender identity and expression. While I felt more dominant as a masculine woman, I feel a lot more comfortable and relaxed as a feminine man. Maybe that will change as I start hormone therapy and my brain chemistry may be restructured a bit to make me feel more masculine. But for now, I think I'm completely okay being the slightly flamboyant, heterosexual man I am and I'll be fine if I end up always being this way...
