All i ever think of is killing myself, my whole life i just wanted to die because i hated being a man, hated how i felt and hated my role in society. Now 5 months into hrt all i think of every day is killing myself.
I absolutely hate everything about my life, i work 24/7 but never have money for anything, i definitely wont ever be able to afford any surgeries. Sometimes I convince myself that i will look like a girl one day, but then i look in the mirror, or take a photo, and i see things that hrt will never change.
I think that even if i were to one day transition successfully (which wont be without tons of money in surgery) I would still hate myself and my life, and other people.
This has been going on for years, i have nothing but horrible tragic memories from my past, and they eat me up from time to time. I really feel like this world is against me. I have lost all faith in a god existing and loving me, and if a god does exist he is really mad at me for something...
I'm not going to go into the many specific details that make me feel like this, but this is how i feel every day. For a while hrt made me feel better, when i believed the hrt could make me presentable as a female. But who am i kidding?
If i get dizzy when i stand up, i wonder if this is what death feels like? Just fading from consciousness. I think of it every day, dieing. Its all I truly want. I'm so sad all the time. I cried last night when it all built up in my head, but somehow the voice in my head just doesn't represent how i feel. I'll be really sad but my head doesn't get it. I feel trapped.
Before i started hrt, i had just ordered my gun and was waiting the ten day waiting period to get it and kill myself. Well i learned about hrt and transition during this wait time, and decided i would have to try hrt before i killed myself.
Since starting hrt horrible things have happened and my life it seems has only gotten worse. Even tho i actually feel better emotionally, and my testosterone rage is gone, i still have countless other new problems. Mainly I want to let myself feel like a woman, but when i look into the mirror i am disgusted at the ugly old man staring back at me. I will never pass from hormones alone. Everyone still treats me as a guy, and I'm sure that years on hrt will not make a difference.
I cannot continue to live like this. This has been going on for over ten years of constant pain, depression and loneliness. I realize you will all say "get through this" and "it's worth it", but whats the point, i always wind up in the same place.
There's nothing i want from this life anymore, life has killed my hopefulness and with all the tragedies that have taken place I don't dare get my hopes up for anything because it is guaranteed disappointment.
My friend can get me a gun, and I am getting really close to making that call.
