All i ever think of is killing myself, my whole life i just wanted to die because i hated being a man, hated how i felt and hated my role in society. Now 5 months into hrt all i think of every day is killing myself.

I absolutely hate everything about my life, i work 24/7 but never have money for anything, i definitely wont ever be able to afford any surgeries. Sometimes I convince myself that i will look like a girl one day, but then i look in the mirror, or take a photo, and i see things that hrt will never change.

I think that even if i were to one day transition successfully (which wont be without tons of money in surgery) I would still hate myself and my life, and other people.

This has been going on for years, i have nothing but horrible tragic memories from my past, and they eat me up from time to time. I really feel like this world is against me. I have lost all faith in a god existing and loving me, and if a god does exist he is really mad at me for something...

I'm not going to go into the many specific details that make me feel like this, but this is how i feel every day. For a while hrt made me feel better, when i believed the hrt could make me presentable as a female. But who am i kidding?

If i get dizzy when i stand up, i wonder if this is what death feels like? Just fading from consciousness. I think of it every day, dieing. Its all I truly want. I'm so sad all the time. I cried last night when it all built up in my head, but somehow the voice in my head just doesn't represent how i feel. I'll be really sad but my head doesn't get it. I feel trapped.

Before i started hrt, i had just ordered my gun and was waiting the ten day waiting period to get it and kill myself. Well i learned about hrt and transition during this wait time, and decided i would have to try hrt before i killed myself.

Since starting hrt horrible things have happened and my life it seems has only gotten worse. Even tho i actually feel better emotionally, and my testosterone rage is gone, i still have countless other new problems. Mainly I want to let myself feel like a woman, but when i look into the mirror i am disgusted at the ugly old man staring back at me. I will never pass from hormones alone. Everyone still treats me as a guy, and I'm sure that years on hrt will not make a difference.

I cannot continue to live like this. This has been going on for over ten years of constant pain, depression and loneliness. I realize you will all say "get through this" and "it's worth it", but whats the point, i always wind up in the same place.

There's nothing i want from this life anymore, life has killed my hopefulness and with all the tragedies that have taken place I don't dare get my hopes up for anything because it is guaranteed disappointment.

My friend can get me a gun, and I am getting really close to making that call.

Call a suicide line.

You need to talk to a professional.

Hold off on calling your friend for the time being.

Do you have a therapist? If so, have you discussed these things with said therapist? If not, or if you don't have a therapist, try calling a help line.

Quote from: caitlin_adams on October 12, 2011, 02:14:50 AM
If you or anyone you know is considering suicide there are people to talk to that help:

In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14
In the United States, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1 800 273 8255
In the UK, call Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90
In the Republic of Ireland, call Samaritans on 1850 60 90 90

For those in other nations visit http://www.befrienders.org/

Even if you're not suicidal and just need someone to talk to you can ring the above numbers 24/7.

No, hon make another call. Call a friend, a priest, suicide prevention hotline, or just talk to us. Life kicks you, you're supposed to kick back! Hugs, Tracey

Just what I was about to say...

I'm not sure what I can say here but I know where your coming from. I've spent my life trying to find my place in this world from shooting for my dreams to seeing if I can at least find a place in the army and I fit in no where. Life isn't easy.

But do yourself a BIG favor. sit back and think about your life and all ou have experinced, learned, and witnessed. Yes life sucks and I would be lying to say otherwise. But take alook at the big picture. everything you've been thru has made you into who you are now and who know who you'll be next week, month, year. Point is things change. It's hard but you need to take control of your life even if it means starting over. Everyday starts out with a new restart.

As for the HRT give it time to work. There are people who I NEVER thought would end up turning out right but they've surprised me. facts are it's not you that is the problem but the situations around you. Trust in yourself and work at changing those situations.

Hope this helps some but yeah please call a crisis line. If you have any respect for yourself you need to get help for yourself.

~Gadg

I really dont see the point, we're all gunna die one day. Why suffer longer

Why? Because it will get better. The darkest moment is just before dawn.

As others said call a suicide hotline, not sure what they are called in the US, 'Samaritans' over here. It will help, I've been there.

Well this is just my POV;

But the way I feel is that if the world is gonna beat me down and make me feel bad and ashamed about myself then I'm stuborn enough to prove them wrong and that I am better than they ever thought.

Quote from: mimpi on October 14, 2011, 06:15:08 PM
Why? Because it will get better. The darkest moment is just before dawn.

I've been hoping that for years, but it never does, in fact it has gotten drastically worse.

I have nothing to prove, noone to prove wrong. I just dont want to be here anymore.

Quote from: kryst4h on October 14, 2011, 06:20:43 PM
I have nothing to prove, noone to prove wrong. I just dont want to be here anymore.

I have been there before!    Try and watch your thoughts like a spectator.  This will take quite a bit of the energy out of them and try slow deep breathing -   I have found this very quick and highly effective in turning down the volume of negative thoughts.      Google Eckhart Tolle he is very good at getting people to realise that your thoughts aren't you.  You are the Watcher and NOT the thoughts.

it's not a matter of proving something to someone. it's a matter of proving it to yourself. You're not fighting the system, the world, or anyone. you just fight FOR yourself.
I've been thru hell in my life. abused as a child, all my dreams being considered moronic, no friends, runt of the liter, ect. then drowning in debt, never finding work, and bused and raped in the military. Trust me I've been thru hell myself.

But one thing I've always known is that I am me and there is nothing wrong with me. SO it's that reason I fight. not cause the world will respect me, but because I did nothing wrong and I'm NOT about to pay for a corrupted world's mistake.

Quote from: kryst4h on October 14, 2011, 06:19:50 PM
I've been hoping that for years, but it never does, in fact it has gotten drastically worse.

Things usually do get worse before they get better though. For example when a storm comes up, it'll never just go from quiet to a fullblast storm in a second. It will first start raining, the wind will pick up, some lighting and thunder will appear etc. Then when it's reached it peak everything will slowly settle down again, eventually coming back to it's clear skies.

Right now you seem to be in the thick of the storm, but if you hang in there you will be able to see the lovely view after the storm has settled, and smell the lovely scent storms leave after they pass.

Please do call a helpline though. At the very least you will feel better being able to talk about it to someone anonymously, they're there to help you so please make use of it!

Quote from: kryst4h on September 19, 2011, 01:55:04 AM
Could i pass when my hair is longer and finished with my laser sessions?




big arm i know, I stopped working out, the muscle not dropping off fast enough

you are going to be hot hot hot.. wow what a nice symetry...

just you wait another yr when your hair gets longer and the laser is finished wow

Kryst4h,

I know the feeling also, here is a link to an online TG/TS Chat Suicide Prevention Helpline, please check it out...

http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

SJ

   Please don't, i just had a close tg friend kill herself and believe me it affects the people you leave behind more then you think. If it makes you feel any better alot of people say the end of the world will happen in 2012 (Dec, 24) soooo yeah stick around and see what happens. 

anyone can make themselves look good in a picture.

I will DM my message to kryst4h.

Ito everyone else who may read this if you or anyone you know is considering suicide there are people to talk to that help:

In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14
In the United States, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1 800 273 8255
In the UK, call Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90
In the Republic of Ireland, call Samaritans on 1850 60 90 90

For those in other nations visit http://www.befrienders.org/

Even if you're not suicidal and just need someone to talk to you can ring the above numbers 24/7.

Ive been in that position and thought that things wouldn't change but talking helped. Anti depressants can help. It's amazing how much of our mood and feelings is underpinned by neurochemistry.

If you're thinking about suicide, which is very very permanent, try talking to one of the lines above or dropping in to your local hospital's emergency dept, A&E, ER.

What is it you want?

Being a girl?

There are lots of girls who feel very down. Being a girl doesn't solve our problems... it doesn't make life better... people don't suddenly start showeing you with gifts and give you a nice life because you are a girl.

What are the things you want that you hope being able to pass as a girl will accomplish?

Once you figure out what it is you really want (friends, love, acceptance, career, money, power)... then you can start figuring out a way to actually get it. Moving to a more accepting place, making it a point to chat with more people and get out of the house, going back to school...

I found life is much more worth living once you have some goals and start going after the type of life you really want. Really, others aren't going to make your life better...you gotta do that yourself.

Everyone says it, but "things do get better". Mostly because as humans, we keep reaching for the things we want... and eventually are able to carve out a life that we want.

Don't give up, call one of the lines, just getting someone to talk to is a big help and can put things in perspective.

Quote from: Amazon D on October 14, 2011, 06:47:36 PM

you are going to be hot hot hot.. wow what a nice symetry...

just you wait another yr when your hair gets longer and the laser is finished wow

i agree! you look FANTASTIC. seriously. just a bit more time and touching up, and holy crap. im not just saying because of the thread(i KNOW you are thinking that) im being 100% frank.