Hi all. I'm so glad I found this site. I've been searching all over for some kind of support network. I've been going out of my mind because I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I have so much in my brain right now. It's sort of a long, complicated story but basically, this week I have finally come to realize and accept that I am gender fluid. It was so obvious I don't know why I didn't see it before.
I have always been a tomboy, even as a toddler I'd rip lacy or other frilly things off cause I didn't like them. When I got a little older, I wore shorts under my church dresses. I was often considered one of the guys and everyone joked about how much of a tomboy I was. A lot of it was attributed me having 3 older brothers and getting all their hand-me-downs. Everyone thought I'd grow out of it. I didn't.
As I got older I tried to dress more girly because that's what girls are supposed to do but I always leaned towards the masculine side. I was just more comfortable that way. I did, however, still like to look pretty and in my early 20's started to enjoy wearing dresses and make-up, at least for short periods of time. They made me feel pretty. (I'm 27)
I never felt completely comfortable though in either boy or girl clothes. Sometimes I hated wearing baggy shorts and shirts. Sometimes I loved it. Sometimes I loved my breasts and tried to emphasize them. Many times I would try to hide them under large clothes and didn't want people looking at me I realize now that's because of my ever changing gender and that I am often neutral.
A lot of this was realized this week and I have been feeling male for a few days. Before yesterday, I was ashamed of how I was feeling and wasn't comfortable in any of my clothes. Then after my epiphany last night, everything changed. I woke up this morning feeling less stressed. I found an old pair of boxers of my ex-husbands, my baggiest pants, and a sports bra. Although I wasn't able to completely dress how I was feeling, it felt great. I was ok with being male. I knew I wasn't weird or crazy. I had finally found a name for the way I had been feeling my whole life.
I ordered a binder and am so excited/nervous for it to get here. I want to express my genders more. I want to dress how I feel instead of how everyone is telling me a girl should dress. I'm not sure yet how far male I'll go in dress but I think I'm going to try to pass as male, when I'm having that kind of day. Just to see if I like it. I have a deep voice and many male mannerisms. (I do know that I am not transgender.) I have a lot of exploring to do and I'm hoping this site will help with my brain overload and help me figure out how to be me.