A long time ago, before I was born, my future Mother visited my future Father's home. My Grand Parents were of the old school and all children were kept in dresses and long hair until about three years old. At three, they would be hauled to a photographer and have their girl pictures recorded. The three sets of quite pictures of my father and his two brothers were prominently displayed on Grandmothers wall. I think she wanted to remind them of their beginnings. My future mother was apparently appalled by the practice.
Jump ahead, about two years and my sister was born and two years after that I showed up. The day that I came home from he hospital, my grandfather drove the 130 miles to greet his new grandson and bring me a new baby dress. Unfortunately he had completely ignored the earlier birth of my sister. My mother tore into him like a Bulldog. The discussion must have been loud as my older sister remembers it completely. "My mothers boy would never wear a dress and grandfather needed to change his attitude about girls. My sister got the message and never bothered to use my name. She just called me "Boy" for the next 30 years. I never had to struggle at learning to be a boy, I had the entire script dictated to me by my sister.
At age 6, my sister to me to my first movie in a theater. (Movies did not have ratings back then.) We saw "Attack of the Crab Monsters. The movie was about giant crabs eating the scientist and the island. In the end a romantically involved couple, and one giant crab was all that was left. Finally the giant crab was coming for them. So the boy kissed the girl and them climbed the tall electric tower. He proceed to shake the tower until is broke loose and collapsed on the crab, killing the crap and the boy.
I spent the next couple of months with terrifying nightmares. It was not the crabs that was frightening but it was the power of the girl to get the boy to kill himself that scarred me to death.
Soon I stole my sisters pink nightgown and turned myself into girl. That was my moment of great relief and joy. It was short lived as my mother took the gown away from me and gave it back to my sister. Her boy would never wear a dress!!
Girls were always intimidating to me, since all the nice parts of life were reserved for them. I have always tried to keep distant from them,
Two years ago my mother died at 92 and I am a long way from my youth. I finally found hormones and my smile came back. It really was no longer an option. My mother's boy died with her.
I do hope you all find your happiness in what ever path it takes.
With all my Love
Bambi
