when children make fun of me

[Felix]

Starting in fourth grade, my daughter's classmates have occasionally called me gay, retarded, ugly, stupid, etc. Apparently mostly because I'm known as her mom and I look like a guy.

Now she's in sixth grade, and I'm transitioning. Leah tells people I'm trans. She told me today that they call me a freak of nature.

Considering the rarity of the condition, I actually am a freak of nature, but they meant it to be derogatory, not descriptive.

Normally when kids call me names (which they occasionally do in public, but usually it's at my kid's school), I just laugh it off. But being called a freak got to me. This is exactly why I stayed closeted so long. I feel hopeless about societal acceptance. If children think I'm disgusting, how am I ever going to be seen as human by everybody else?

I'm in a black mood. Life is too hard. I'm tired.

[~RoadToTrista~]

If children think I'm disgusting, how am I ever going to be seen as human by everybody else?

12 year olds are the most disgusting and evil little creatures in the world Felix, don't consider them "innocent children", they're dicks to everyone. Older teenagers are a lot more accepting/polite.

[Felix]

You know Trista, that's true. Kids that age are often nasty and crass about just about everything. Thanks for the reminder.

[The Passage]

Older teenagers are a lot more accepting/polite.

Yes, like me! It's okay, though, Felix. You're not the only freak of nature who is harassed by evil hobbits! A child's reaction to me is usually just to stare for as long as they possibly can. I can just imagine them thinking "What is this bizarre looking being doing behind my chair!?"

[skm4441]

Felix, there are cruel people out there, including those "little, sweet innocent" 12-years old *sarcasm*, the best thing you can do is think positively and continue to be courageous for being you... You are a beautiful human, not a freak of nature!  At least, that's how I view you... I am very sure that the rest of us on the board does too! 

[lilacwoman]

as fourth graders - 7/8 year old? - haven't the brains or experience to know anything about TSism they are merely reflecting the brainwashing they are getting at home and from the media.

we need to get the media to give us a more positive image but negativity sells so they won't.

[spacial]

Just think Felix, this is another of life's lessons which your daughter, like all kids, have to go through. When she emerges the other side, she will be the stronger and more mature for it.

Your little girl is growing up.

Big huggs.

[Rabbit]

You are the adult. If they are doing things like this, you should talk to their teachers and / or parents.

[Felix]

Rabbit, their parents are the reason they talk the way they do. I can't get through to them. And I do tell the teachers, but they say Leah invites the unwelcome attention by talking about my trans status.

The school system here is legally bound by the Safe Schools Act, but they seem to just kind of roll their eyes and humor me when I tell them how often my kid hears "gay" and "->-bleeped-<-" used in a derogatory way. They make excuses, and they remind me how much I and my daughter stand out as different.

I've given up on trying to discuss these things as adults. Right now I'm just trying to not let it hurt my feelings or corrupt my child.

[skm4441]

Felix, is there anything in your area where you can go for transgender advocacy?  Suggestion: Set up a local taskforce with other trans folks in your area to educate about transgender?  Just my 2 cents in... I can see how tough it is, facing the oppression of the society...

[spacial]

Have to agree with skm here. Until you have the confidence to deal with this yourself, your daughter won't.

You deserve support. You shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense.

[Felix]

I do have the confidence to deal with this myself, but it keeps coming down to them saying "prove it." I've gotten advice about it from PFLAG, BRO, Transactive, and even the youth liaison for the local police. I'm kinda picking my battles, and I'd not realized the severity of the crap she was still hearing at school until yesterday.

[Rabbit]

File formal complaints... if they continue to ignore it, go find yourself a lawyer and sue the school.

When someone talks negatively about trans people around me, I go after them... I simply don't tolerate that type of behaviour. As an adult and professional, I DEMAND respect. If it is some random person saying a comment in every day life, I would gladly step up and see how well they can defend their opinions (if it goes beyond a random comment and moves into harassment? I would go to the police).

I actually had this happen twice in my classes this term. Two different teachers decided to tell stories of trans people... and ended up painting them in a pretty negative light. And, each time, after class they recieved a long letter from me how their behaviour was out of line and highly offensive. As the person paying for the classes I demanded the subject to be treated with respect. Both of them imediately opologized.

If they would have ignored me or said ANYTHING even remotely negative in reply .. I would have charge straight to the school administration and filed formal complaints. If the school would have ignored me, I would have run out and found a lawyer to begin legal action against them (such as creating a hostile environment, or actually since I am in california, would have used the trans discrimination laws to my advantage).

Like I said, you are an adult... you are paying for these schools... you and your child have a RIGHT for protection against this behaviour. If the school refuses to do their job, then it is time for you to take it to the next step and teach them that it isn't really an option... that they are messing with the wrong person.

If the kids continue to harass you outside of the school setting? Go call the police and charge them with harassment / intentional infliction of emotional distress.

If the police ignore it? Again, they don't have that option... if they do, they open themselves up to some serious legal action.

Show these people that you don't tolerate this.

[skm4441]

Felix, it is great that you have confidence.  Only you have the power to make the choice to make a difference in your community. 

[Felix]

Thanks Rabbit, I agree. I put off taking strong action on this because of my daughter's recent mental health problems and hospitalization, but she's stable now, and the transphobia/homophobia bs at the school is not going away. It's important that my daughter not see who I am as shameful or hateworthy. Her peers and her teachers are behaving inappropriately.

[Jeatyn]

This reminds me of one time I was beaten up, went to the police, and they told me point blank that it was my own fault for being a goth.

It feels like people are pretty much saying "how DARE you not be exactly the same as everyone else, you sick little puppy, you need to be punished"

it's insanity, I've always tried my best to "fight the power!" but it's extremely tiring.

If you have the strength though, I highly recommend you push it further. Get your kid to take a secret recording device if the teachers are making excuses about proof.

The more people who are willing to stand up and fight, the quicker things will change.

[Robyn]

And don't forget the Superintendent of Schools and the School Board.

The Safe Schools Coalition <www.safeschoolscoalition.org/> or Trans Youth Family Allies <www.imatyfa.org> might do an intervention for you.

Robyn

[GinaDouglas]

As a former teacher, I am beyond certain that you can't allow this. It's flagrant bullying of your daughter.  PFLAG is an organization devoted to stopping this kind of thing.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I miss the days when you could spank children in public, even when they weren't your own. George Bush spanked me twice. My Mom said, "give it to her georgie peorgie"

[Felix]

And don't forget the Superintendent of Schools and the School Board.

The Safe Schools Coalition <www.safeschoolscoalition.org/> or Trans Youth Family Allies <www.imatyfa.org> might do an intervention for you.

Robyn

I am working on it. It's hard to know when to call in help, because they keep talking like they're taking action. I think it is time to start filing formal complaints, even if it does antagonize the staff. I worry about my daughter.

We have an IEP meeting in a week, and her teacher, school counselor, psychiatrist, and therapist will be there. I'll make sure to bring it up again then. Nobody should be making excuses for bullying behavior, even if it is a bunch of special ed kids.

And Gina I did bring it up with PFLAG, and spoke with a representative the Oregon Safe Schools and Communities Coalition. www.oregonsafeschools.org

I think I'll have plenty of support if I end up butting heads with the school system.