Very personal but need advice.

[Aintza]

That is a very personal problem, but I have no friends I could openly ask for advice, because no one knows my bf is a FtM.

We started dating 2 years ago and from one year and a half it was a romantic-non-sexual relationship. He said he was not prepared for having sex; he didn´t tell me he was trans because he was afraid I wouldn´t had understand and would had told his secret to other people. After all this time, he finally decided he could trust me and he told me he had no pennis; I didn´t fully understand at the moment.

Almost immediately, we started having sex. It seems he is always aroused but all sex is with prosthesis and it is something like kiss-penetration-finish. (Sorry if it sounds so explicit). He doesn´t touch me and I am not allowed to touch him so intercourse starts and finishes very fast and after that we both feel uncomfortable and need to go out to have a coffee, as to avoiding being home alone.

For me, sex is important for what it means; if it means we love each other and we are a couple, then I like it; but I don´t know if he feels this way. When asking him, he says he is very happy, he enjoys sex and he feels satisfied after sex. I don´t think that could be true because I don´t think he get any sensation trough the prostheses.

I would love to know if for another couples intimacy starts in a similar way, and if the non-touching thing could last forever. Also I would like to know if a man could feel a pleasant sensation trough a prostheses.

(We are both 30; I have been married but for him that is his first relationship).

[cynthialee]

Many of us trans folks have some serious issues with our birth anatomy. Sex is an in your face and brutal verification of our birth sex that many of us simply can not bear to deal with. It literaly hurts our hearts and souls to not have the ability to be sexual in the way our brain is saying we should be.
The way you have described your sex life, I have heard similar stories form others. So you are certainly not unique.

Perhaps having a conversation with him and explain to him gently that you are not having your needs met.

And as 90% of sex is in the brain....yes he very well could be getting everything he needs sexually from the prothesis.

[Ellie Ryan]

I don't know if this will help or not, but my Sweetie doesn't want me to touch/kiss her male genitalia because she says sensations from her "man pickle" instantly remind her that her body and mind don't match right now. A lot of how I wind up "touching" her is by holding her close and describing what I would like to do with her in a female body. I'm a storyteller, and for me, this is incredibly intimate and a turn on for me as well. Sometimes after making love, she has some big bouts of being embarrassed by/disappointed in her genetically male body, and I need to hold her close, etc. In general, I find that I feel the closest to her and seem to please her the most when I treat her as a cherished female. I don't know if this will work for you, but it might be worth asking your husband about it to see if there's any interest.

Best to you both on your journey!

~~E

[cynthialee]

Ellie Ryan
That was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.

Your spouse is a very lucky girl.

[Felix]

Hey, he doesn't have to get sensation through his prosthesis to be satisfied (though I'm willing to bet he gets some pleasure from it). Can I assume you are female? Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm pre-T and haven't had any bottom surgery. So for all practical purposes, I have female-style orgasms. I don't know what it feels like to have a real cock, but I know with my current equipment, there's no "real" that I need to live up to. My getting off often depends on set and setting, circumstance, imagination, scent, emotions, words, etc. I don't even need any touching to be in any certain place. And my orgasms are pretty open-ended. There's no gunshot beginningendoveranddone kind of thing. I think you and he can both be pretty satisfied with no matter what your sex looks like, as long as it makes you both happy.

I wouldn't worry too much about defining things or having expectations. Just play, and talk to him about sex as much as possible, so you can figure out what you want and how to enjoy one another. He's just a normal human, and even cisguys can be pretty confusing and quirky.

[Ellie Ryan]

Ellie Ryan
That was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.

Your spouse is a very lucky girl.

Thank you! But you have it backwards. My spouse is Dana H on these boards, and I am the lucky one to be with her. I'm bi-gendered, autistic, and all of the Muppets rolled into one. I'm so blessed to have someone who loves me as is! My only complaints right now about our relationship can be found in my thread in this forum from a few days ago. They mostly pertain to her depression, our shared closet of her TG status, and our mis-matched libidos (mine is very high; hers is nigh-on nonexistent.) I think that when a person's main complaint about their SO is, "More please!" then that's probably a pretty good relationship.

Thanks for your support! I look forward to getting to know everyone here a bit better, including you. Great profile pic, btw.

~~E

[Aintza]

Thank you very much for all your kind answers.

Felix, I am a cis-woman.

When I met my bf, I knew nothing about ->-bleeped-<-. All these months, I had been trying to learn by myself. He feels very uncomfortable about being "different" and tries to behave as if nothing happens, so I am very cautious about making him questions that could hurt him.

He is terrified about anyone discovers he is FtM; so I can´t share my worries with any of my close friends.
Finding this forum has been a big relief for me. Talking about things to other people does help a lot. They don't seem so terrible then; they seem more bearable and ordinary.

[ToriJo]

First, I think a lot of men probably do the kiss-penetration-finish thing.  Not exactly considerate of the woman, but I think it's kind of the male point of view towards sex.  I personally think open communication is important in sex, and if you're not finding it as enjoyable as you might otherwise (particularly if you want him to touch you more, or similar), it is important to talk about it.

You might look at some ways to "spice" things up - make them more of a game.  For instance, you and your bf could both write out some erotic things you would like the other to do to you on some index cards and randomly draw them (to still keep things a bit unpredictable).  There's 100 other variations on this but something to let the other person know what you like is always good.

That said, the most significant part of sex for me as a male is that it's with the person I love.  I suspect your bf is similar to you in that regard too.  I wouldn't worry too much.

[Elizabeth A.]

Hmmm,

I don't doubt for a minute that he loves to penetrate you even if it doesn't directly stimulate him. My partner (also FtM) is very open-minded sexually but seems to love using the prosthesis best of all. Remember that your partner has a totally male brain and he may have an intense and primal instinct to penetrate.

As for the rest,
1. Communicate,
2. If you can just totally appreciate him for the male he is (his personality, and also his body - for instance, his bits are male because they are on HIS body which is male!), he may feel more at ease to know you see him this way, especially if this is is first relationship, and
3. Your needs are as important as his, so share them too.

I guess it's all about appreciating both your own needs and each's others, and then celebrating/communicating that.

- Elizabeth