Yesterday was heck... how to make them understand?

[Cody Jensen]

Well the title pretty much says it all. But my sister dragged me around shopping trying on tight skinny jeans that I couldn't breathe in, after my dad complained to me that "I don't fit in anywhere with society. Why can't I just wear cute clothes like everyone else?" Because... I'm not everyone else? I was ready to cry after trying on the (insert large number that I can't remember here) many pairs of jeans. Then, we went to an all girls party that night (whoopy). And, a friend who I THOUGHT I could trust said infront of everyone "Hey (insert female name here), how is it with that guy you like?" Then I didn't hear the end of it after that. I hate presenting as female. I haven't come out yet. (I actually didn't like any guy, I'm attracted to girls. I only told her it was a guy after there was some confusion because I said I like "someone" not specifically a guy, but then she interpreted it as me liking a guy. I told her cause I hadn't told anyone, and I really needed someone to talk to). Anyways. The main point of this thread was, how do I make my family understand, without telling them I'm trans? Or is there no other way? Especially what my dad said, that in particular really got to me. Help 

[Kentrie]

I know how it is for everyone to assume you like a guy when you just tell them you like "someone" it sucks. Anyways, you could tell them you're a lesbian but you wouldn't be being truthful. I would just tell them you're Trans.

[Kreuzfidel]

You're situation is of course not identical to mine or anyone else's, but I dealt with a similar issue with my family for years.  I didn't want to hurt them or damage my relationship with them by telling them I was trans, so for years I struggled to make them see that I didn't want to wear girl clothes, date or do girl things.  At about 10, my Aunt even took me home with her for a weekend to try to feminise me because my Mom and Grandmother hated how I dressed and acted.  Unfortunately, as has already been said, telling them you're a lesbian is replacing one lie with another.  My family never stopped trying to feminise me.  It's because they don't understand and don't know the truth.  Sadly it's a bit of a catch-22, you either have to put up with being interacted with as a perceived female and continue to hurt yourself or you tell them you're trans and risk upsetting them.

[Guantanamera]

It's because they don't understand and don't know the truth.  Sadly it's a bit of a catch-22, you either have to put up with being interacted with as a perceived female and continue to hurt yourself or you tell them you're trans and risk upsetting them.

Prescient!

You either have the choice of hiding who you really are- and suffering because of that. Or to reveal who you really and maybe suffer for it. However, I assume that you want to transition at one point, so for better or worse you're going to have to come out to everyone eventually. I would suggest that you come out as soon as possible- because if you're going to suffer for it, you might as well get it over with.

[Cody Jensen]

I'm sorry, man.  My dad's family took it upon themselves as their solemn duty to turn me from a barefoot wild farm boy into a classy pretty lady.

It didn't work.

I don't think there's really much you can do there.  You're just waiting on them to get over it, and that's on them.  Kreuzfidel said it right, you're stuck between a rock and hard place.  Put up with the horribleness, or take a gamble on coming out.  I think I would come out, since you're going to have to eventually anyway and it might well improve things.  Or it might worsen things a lot depending on your family, and you're going to have to consider what's more likely.  If it seems likely that that would make things much much worse, and you are dependent on them... then maybe hold back awhile.  Otherwise... I would come out, personally.  It doesn't sound terrifically helpful, but you should do the one you think will ultimately make your life easier.

I don't know, I honestly feel like coming out would just make everything worse.

[insideontheoutside]

Well, like a couple people have already said, it's very hard to get people to fully understand. A lot of parents don't even know what transgender/transsexual even is. So a kid going up to their parent and just saying, "I'm trans" is going to take a lot of explanation. If you're underage and you're not finding other coping mechanisms and you're also not being allowed to be yourself (not to be confused with "coming out" to your parents - but simply if you're parents would even go so far as to accept you as a "tom boy" and allow you to wear the clothing of your choice, participate in the activities of your choosing, etc. etc.) then you have one of two options - continue the act until you're 18 and you're officially an adult and can make your own decisions or tell them the truth. If you're over 18, then your options are to get out from under the parental roof and out on your own where you can make your own decisions, or continue the act, or tell them and then continue on with your life.

[Cody Jensen]

Well, like a couple people have already said, it's very hard to get people to fully understand. A lot of parents don't even know what transgender/transsexual even is. So a kid going up to their parent and just saying, "I'm trans" is going to take a lot of explanation. If you're underage and you're not finding other coping mechanisms and you're also not being allowed to be yourself (not to be confused with "coming out" to your parents - but simply if you're parents would even go so far as to accept you as a "tom boy" and allow you to wear the clothing of your choice, participate in the activities of your choosing, etc. etc.) then you have one of two options - continue the act until you're 18 and you're officially an adult and can make your own decisions or tell them the truth. If you're over 18, then your options are to get out from under the parental roof and out on your own where you can make your own decisions, or continue the act, or tell them and then continue on with your life.

Actually, I'm moving out in the new year. I'm 19. I was mostly concerned with trying to get them to accept me.

[Guantanamera]

I don't know, I honestly feel like coming out would just make everything worse.

Well the idea is some shrewd political calculus: You're going to have to come out sometime, and occur the wrath of your parents. Why not come out now to decrease the amount of pain you have to spend being in the closet.

Although it feels like a really sucky descision to make (it is), in the end coming out sooner is better than later.

[JohnAlex]

Josh, I can relate.  I was SO terrified of coming out.   I had my whole life planed out:  I was going to go FAR away to university, and I would come out there and I would never see my family ever again.  It was a good plan.

Except, I wouldn't wait that long.  I ended up wanting to die (not suicidally) if I had to play a girl one more time.  So I came out to a few relatives.  It was not the best, but it wasn't the worst either.  And I just got tired of pretending, so I finally decided that I don't care if they all hate me.  So I came out to EVERYONE.  I'm out to everyone who I care enough to tell. And it was AMAZING. 

My family really surprised me.  They're all either okay with it or won't say anything if they're not, lol.  And people at school have been just amazing about it.  Coming out was the best thing I ever did.  I don't have to run away to university anymore.  I can start transitioning now.

So, I just wanted to say, people might surprise you.  It might not be as bad as you think.



And as for her thinking you like guys... I still get that, lol.  Only everyone assumes I like girls since I'm trans.  Truth is, I'm kinda confused about my sexual orientation, so I let them think what they want for now.

[Cody Jensen]

Josh, I can relate.  I was SO terrified of coming out.   I had my whole life planed out:  I was going to go FAR away to university, and I would come out there and I would never see my family ever again.  It was a good plan.

Except, I wouldn't wait that long.  I ended up wanting to die (not suicidally) if I had to play a girl one more time.  So I came out to a few relatives.  It was not the best, but it wasn't the worst either.  And I just got tired of pretending, so I finally decided that I don't care if they all hate me.  So I came out to EVERYONE.  I'm out to everyone who I care enough to tell. And it was AMAZING. 

My family really surprised me.  They're all either okay with it or won't say anything if they're not, lol.  And people at school have been just amazing about it.  Coming out was the best thing I ever did.  I don't have to run away to university anymore.  I can start transitioning now.

So, I just wanted to say, people might surprise you.  It might not be as bad as you think.



And as for her thinking you like guys... I still get that, lol.  Only everyone assumes I like girls since I'm trans.  Truth is, I'm kinda confused about my sexual orientation, so I let them think what they want for now.

Yeah, honestly I don't know how my family would react. Actually, I sorta do. Because I have a cousin from the other side of the family who's MtF. And they're not exactly cool with it.  My dad is very traditional, and yes I'm definitely terrified of the idea of coming out.