detransitioning, not denying

[Kev]

I didn't think I would need to talk about it, but obviously I do.

I hadn't even started with HRT, and was living male for a year now.
And now I stopped. Went back to my old life.
A major reason was my marriage. Another major reason was fear.

So now I'm doing okay. I locked the feelings away, whatever needs to be done to live like this.
I still see my therapist, who just follows my lead, like a good therapist would. She tries to find a way with me, how I can be happy in this female body with this female life.

I am really doing good. Most of the time. Only sometimes it hits me and I get sad.
But most of the time I just function alright.
I wear bras again, after binding for a year. How do I feel about this? I don't have any feelings.

Acceptance was rare. While hubby welcomed it, other people told me I was making a mistake.
But some of you may know that there is a time for transition, and a time when it can't be done. I also believe that some people never ever have the guts to do it. I believe I am such a person.

I have always respected it when people detransitioned. And I am hurt by the reaction I get from the community. Hardly anybody had a nice word. Like everybod can just up and leave their lives behind. Like everybody can put themselves first. I for once can't.

But I also thought that I wouldn't burn that bridge.
Because I know that I am trans and therefore it will follow me my whole life.
So I better deal with it.
So my way to deal with it is "Yes, I'm trans. And I'm not transitioning."
I don't want to be in touch with my male identity now, because it hurts, and honestly I buried it so deep I can't find it just now.

But I will not deny it. Because I know that some day it will come up again, and maybe I will be in a position to transition. I just have to be at peace.

I don't know who I am right now. I try not to identify by gender anymore, which is tough.

I'd love to talk to people who understand how that feels, with people who try to live in their assigned body. With people who won't deny that they are trans, but who try to keep a low profile so it won't hurt so much.

Is there any place for this in the community?

[JohnAlex]

I don't want to speak out of my ass here, but if you're trying to bury the feelings, wouldn't talking about it or being apart of the community make that almost impossible?

[Squirrel698]

I don't know how old you are but I know that you're not dead.   You don't have to transition now.  You can transition later when you feel more ready to accept the stress and rejection that comes with it.   Just know that. 

It's not now or never, it's now or whenever you feel it's best.

If you are looking for permission to detransition you have it from me.  Do it when you're ready if you decide to do it at all. 

[Kev]

JohnAlex: Good question.

I meant it like this: I am not going to be in denial about the fact that I am trans. But I will save a little denial for the every day life, so that I can actually live. This is why I won't hang out here a lot, because you are right: constantly dealing with the topic and denial don't go together.

I just try to find a healthier way to deal with dysphoria, when it comes up. Would I be totally in denial disphoria would hit me really bad when it came up. But if I had just this "yes, I know, I'm trans, and this is how that feels every now and then" down, then I could deal with this.

Like I try to prepare myself that trans is a topic that will pop up ever now and then for the rest of my life. There is no way around that and I better learn to accept that fact.

What I meant with "is there any place for this in the community" was more like "is there anybody who can understand and accept that, instead of judging?" not that I meant to be very active in the community - but every now and then I would show up and say hi, because I still care.

thank you @Squirrel

[Arch]

I went through various stages of partial acceptance and downright denial for nearly twenty years. The last seven years of that, I was totally in the closet. Didn't talk about trans stuff, read trans books, watch trans or gay movies (except a couple of times a year when I had a week free for the emotional fallout), or actively think about transition. I basically shut myself down for seven years.

Sometimes I ask myself why I went through that. Well, it was just what I had to do. I decided that you have to figure out what's right for you, and you have to go through what you have to go through.

If I'd had some help, though, I'm quite sure that I wouldn't have had to go through as much of that.

I think that some (or many or even most) trans folks have to go through a partial or complete shutdown at some point in order to survive. That doesn't mean it's good for them; it usually isn't. But on the other hand, it keeps them alive.

If you feel that you don't need certain aspects of transition (like hormones or surgery, or even social transition) to live your life happily and comfortably, that's fine. Some people here feel the same way, in fact. But if you aren't sure and you're shutting off parts of yourself, that probably isn't so healthy. And if you do feel that you need to transition but you avoid transition, that's going to take a toll on you. Don't expect your current state to be permanent. And don't expect the long-term effects to be benign.

I don't know what kind of balancing act you're doing. It sounds hellish. But you'll figure out your own path in your own time.

[Felix]

Kix everybody does things their own way, everybody has to decide the right course of action for themselves. You may get unkind words in the community. In a less friendly mood you might get them from me. But it's not honestly anyone's place but yours to ever understand or act on who you are and who you want to become (and how and when). Your life belongs to you.

I'm a single parent of a developmentally disabled child. I have no family and no partner. So I decided at some point to wait until my daughter was 18 to deal with my own transition (I briefly lived as male in my teens, but went back in the closet for motherhood). I couldn't keep that up. I hung on for 11 years, and the denial and disconnect and disingenuity made me just half-alive for too long. I was a worse parent for it, and less of a person. I wish I could get those years back.

That's my perspective. Your life may be so different that living as female is best for you. Best of luck to you going forward.

[Shana A]

Yes, there is a place for you, and there are others in similar situations of not being able to transition or live full time. I find it sad that our community doesn't always support those who have made the very difficult choice to de/re-transition. Honor the trans part of you, that doesn't ever go away just because you happen to be living as assigned at birth. You are always you!

Z

[Bishounen]

A female to male-transsexual once that called in to a TV-show about Sexchanges.
She said that she had once been determined to transition into a male, but for a reason that I do not remember, she didn't get started and then instead ended up getting married and had kids.
She said that she was actually thankful in that way that she did not transition, for if she had, she wouldn't have had the family she now has, she explained.

With alittle luck, perhaps the ThreadStarter will think the same thing one day, although the best thing for happiness would probably been to transition. On the other hand, perhaps this is really her intended road in life with a specific meaning.

[bojangles]

I think that some (or many or even most) trans folks have to go through a partial or complete shutdown at some point in order to survive.

I think you are right. was true for me, anyway.

Is there any place for this in the community?

I say yes. We should probably be leaders in understanding (and valuing) difference.


Good luck.

[insideontheoutside]

I think the unkind words from the community are reactionary really - because many don't relate well to someone who would actually claim to be trans and not want to transition.

Personally, I think it sometimes takes more balls to just live your life in the body you got. The reality is that you'll never ever have a perfect, you-were-born-that-way, male body. Being trans means compromise to begin with. Your whole life is a series of compromises that a non-trans person will never fully understand. HRT and surgery are just a means of getting someone's physical appearance closer to how they feel on the inside. But I don't believe that brain and body disconnect ever goes away - it's there for life. About 10 years ago I came to my own conclusions about my life and my body. For all intents and purposes most people regard me as female. I'm married to another dude. I never "came out" to my family. In my professional life everyone addresses me as female. 98% of my friends don't know. But you know what? How I'm addressed doesn't define me. And I realized I have a damn good life. I have a great career where I love what I do. I have great friends who love me no matter what. My family loves me (and to be fair, they know I'm not "normal" but accept me anyway). My spouse loves me. I have a nice house, I have money in the bank, and my brain will never match up with my body.

So while my opinions may be wildly unpopular sometimes, I'm still in the same boat. I was just able to magically get to the place where I'm ok with a lot of things. I changed my perspective, not my body. I did try hormones for a short stint and it wasn't for me. The large majority of my life I pretty much live as male anyway - I wear male clothes ... I don't "act" female ... I just be myself and everyone is just fine with that. I no longer let everyone else wondering if I'm a dude or a chick rule my life. And why the hell would I want to throw all that away and risk my health, my relationships, my life for something that I don't feel is necessary for me? I've always been the person I am, no matter what my body is like. Yes I have moments of dysphoria, but I also have my own coping mechanisms too. I've found ways to become more comfortable with my physical body - and I'm still looking for new ways. It's an ongoing process, just like life. I've always been me at the core. There's no one else like me. I've changed a lot over there years, but the changes haven't effected that core of who I am. But it wasn't until I changed my pattern of thinking - of completely hating myself and parts of my body, that I made some real progress.

My path is certainly not for everyone but I'll be damned if I'm going to take anyone else's sh*t about it either. If someone wants to transition, hey that's fine, their choice. This is MY choice. This is the life I am living. But I'm also living proof that there's some different ways of doing things.

My recommendation would be not to lock that part of yourself away inside - because it will always be there anyway. Embrace it and have the confidence to be yourself in spite of having tits. You don't have to "live as male" ... you don't have to "pass" ... you don't have to break up your marriage or ruin your relationships with your family and friends or trash a career. You CAN be male inside - you already are.

So why am I here if I'm not transitioning either? I actually do enjoy talking to other people who get it - get what it's like for your brain to not match your body ... to have had certain experiences in life to relate to. I've done the whole therapy racket, it wasn't for me either. Diagnoses made me feel like a freak and damaged goods and talking through my problems with someone who will never have a clue of what it's really like to have my problems just made me more pissed off. Best thing I ever did was stop going to therapy and start living my life without "crutches" ... without feeling like a had some big problem or mental disease. There's only a handful of my closest friends who know all my "secrets" so it's nice to just come to a place where I can freely talk about what I consider some really personal stuff ... where I can maybe be an example to others or just talk about how I've managed to overcome some of these issues over the years and actually get to a place where I'm mostly happy. And the anonymity actually helps. And when I'm having an off day or a am feeling down, it's nice to come to a welcoming environment where others can understand what I'm going through.

So I would recommend to stick around while you learn more about yourself and still can relate your experiences to other people. You may get some ideas on even small changes you can make in your life that get you more into your own personal comfort zone as well.

You don't have to do what everyone else is doing ... beat your own path into uncharted contentment.

[Natkat]

I didn't think I would need to talk about it, but obviously I do.

I hadn't even started with HRT, and was living male for a year now.
And now I stopped. Went back to my old life.
A major reason was my marriage. Another major reason was fear.

So now I'm doing okay. I locked the feelings away, whatever needs to be done to live like this.
I still see my therapist, who just follows my lead, like a good therapist would. She tries to find a way with me, how I can be happy in this female body with this female life.

I am really doing good. Most of the time. Only sometimes it hits me and I get sad.
But most of the time I just function alright.
I wear bras again, after binding for a year. How do I feel about this? I don't have any feelings.

Acceptance was rare. While hubby welcomed it, other people told me I was making a mistake.
But some of you may know that there is a time for transition, and a time when it can't be done. I also believe that some people never ever have the guts to do it. I believe I am such a person.

I have always respected it when people detransitioned. And I am hurt by the reaction I get from the community. Hardly anybody had a nice word. Like everybod can just up and leave their lives behind. Like everybody can put themselves first. I for once can't.

But I also thought that I wouldn't burn that bridge.
Because I know that I am trans and therefore it will follow me my whole life.
So I better deal with it.
So my way to deal with it is "Yes, I'm trans. And I'm not transitioning."
I don't want to be in touch with my male identity now, because it hurts, and honestly I buried it so deep I can't find it just now.

But I will not deny it. Because I know that some day it will come up again, and maybe I will be in a position to transition. I just have to be at peace.

I don't know who I am right now. I try not to identify by gender anymore, which is tough.

I'd love to talk to people who understand how that feels, with people who try to live in their assigned body. With people who won't deny that they are trans, but who try to keep a low profile so it won't hurt so much.

Is there any place for this in the community?

I think those transexuals who dont want to trandition at all can relate to it more than people who are doing it or want to do it soon.

for me I must admit I can't relate to it, it mainly because I never felt I had a choice as you,
its been hard to me being trans and cost me alot from money and health, to my famely or fear of death.
but no matter how hard it have been I simple cant and couldnt do what you did, its never been a option for me because to try it on have cause me more damage than ever before. So I never had a situation like yours.

I do belive its every humans right to do what you fell best for yourself but I hope your doing so,
if your dont feel its not the right time, or never will, its fine, because no matter how the most important thing is to be happy..

but if your doing it of fear from people around then I am worried, because I think many transgender people have done that a time in there life and often it havent been that much of a good experience.
focusing on pleasuring others and put your own needs away can be damege your in the long run.

just saying.

[Sharky]

 If I didn't transition I would feel like I was denying myself the comfort of having my body and mind match. I need to be me both on the inside and out. I know my body will never be 100%, but no one is 100% satisfied with their body. I know my exterior doesn't change who I am on the inside and I have spent a couple decades trying to just be happy ignoring the mismatch. I can never be truly happy living this way. Family and fear have held me back and still are dragging me down. A lot of the time I just feel numb to everything because I'm so used to ignoring how I really feel. I have become accustomed to doing this in order to pretend I'm someone I'm not. Keeping feelings, especially ones as strong as being trans, locked away isn't healthy. Being stuck in the closet is a bad place to be. I understand what you feel and know how awful it is. I'm at the start of my transition. Right now it seems out of the frying pan, into the fire, but I know I deserve the relief that transitioning will eventually bring me.  I know the brain and body disconnect can get better. Already there are times I even forget that I am trans. I know that transitioning is right for me, I can't say it's right for you. It just seems sad if you know it's right for you, but are letting fear hold you back.

How do other people know it's a mistake? Are they you? Do they know a single thing about trans issues? Why should their acceptance, or lack of, keep you from living your life to the fullest? You're very lucky to having an accepting hubby. I realize that there are times when you can't transition. I don't think lack of guts will ever be a good reason not to transition. It is completely normal and understandable that you are afraid. But, every brave person feels fear at first. They are brave because they overcome it. 

Sure I think there is a place for you. I'm not you so I don't know how you truly feel. But it's sad when you see someone that is denying themselves.

[MaxAloysius]

I agree with what NatKat said completely. I cannot relate at all, because to me transitioning has never been a question; from the moment I knew I was trans it has been a constant run towards transition as quickly as the medical professionals would let me. I could never step back and live as female...the mere thought of it makes me shudder and feel sick.

But I guess that's just me, and no one is more qualified to say what you can and can't do with your body than you. I think it's pretty obvious from the reaction here that we all support you, and wish you luck in your detransition.

Without wishing to cause you any more hurt, I'd like to just ask why it is you can't transition now? From your post it sounds like you'd been out to everyone in your life for a year; most people consider coming out to be the hardest part of transition. And the way you speak makes it sound as if the people around you don't support you going back, which to me sounds like your friends and family support your transition, and know that your going back to living as female won't make you happy. Surely then this is the kind of environment that is good for transitioning in, not bad? Of course it's still your choice, and if you say you must go back then you must, but I'm just curious why.

[CaptainFantastic]

I couldn't live (leave alone love with a hidden agenda like that. Even finding a partner would
pose a huge problem as I wouldn't be selling myself in the right way (figure of speech here, of course
I'm not selling myself...you know) and people would think they're in love with one person (or part of
me) while I would want to be loved in a different way, a way they'd probably find very hard to accept.
I've tried to keep it 'private', only live out my dreams in my phantasies and stories and novels i'd write
for myself, but there was a point when I was no longer content with only my imagination, I wanted the
real thing! I kept adopting a character for daily life in the shape of 'the nice girl' to please everybody and
to avoid confrontation and rejection; but did it make me happy? No. Also, I think people have a sixtth sense
for being lied to; if you don't give them your 'rea'l you, they will eventually ask themselves, who is that person?
What's behind the facade? So why not give them the truth rightaway?
My perception of myself is an evolving affair, there's hardly one day that's just like the one before, but I know
the direction I'm going now, whereas before I used to be very confused and erratic. Since I've skipped the
'Uber-ich' e.g. society and it's constant nagging at my self-esteem, I feel liberated and free to do as I please;
I don't constantly worry what others might say or think about me, if they give me strange looks, let them, and
what's even better, only since I don't worry that much any more do I actually notice the positive reactions whereas
before I was more or less obsessed with detecting negative feedback around me! It's still sort of an uphill climb, but
I found my rhythm now and think I can go on till I reach the level of happiness where I don't feel the need to go any
further.
However, I truly admire you for being able to live two lives in a way, the public and the hidden one; eventually, the real
you will prevail, so the other part will just go away, I think. Some of use lead very private and secluded lives, others are
in the spotlights more or less constantly, so this will also determine which way you'll turn out. Either way, you shouldn't
forget to enjoy life in the meantime! If an annoyingly stubborn thought keeps occupying my mind too long, to the extent
that it interferes with my 'happiness', I've found a good way to deal with it: I talk to it, tell it OK, I'm aware you're there,
you're free to remain where you are but take into account that I go on with my life now, so please, shut up and let me
get on with it! Normally, when i'm not too depressed otherwise, the thought admits defeat and buggers off....