I have ->-bleeped-<-. Is 20 too late to pass *attractively*? (pics)

[A]

I feel mean now. My message was confusing and confused... In short, I didn't want to say it's bad to love your mother, just that the bad attitude she has with your situation is going to cause conflicts with the love there is, and that making her understand is going to be hard without causing mutual heartbreak.

But now I feel even more useless.

...

Just don't give up, 'kay ?

[sictransitkira]

I can completely understand how you feel, I have fantasized about being a girl since i was 5, and it just gradually became sexual as i developed those urges. I just turned 26, and it really took dressing and being completely made up and seeing myself as a girl to understand how I really felt. I looked in the mirror and it hit me like a brick in the face, since then it's become less and less sexual and more just something that I need. Don't wait as long as I did, I'm lucky and still look super young, and despite being tall have a pretty slender frame.

[cynthialee]

I can completely understand how you feel, I have fantasized about being a girl since i was 5, and it just gradually became sexual as i developed those urges. I just turned 26, and it really took dressing and being completely made up and seeing myself as a girl to understand how I really felt. I looked in the mirror and it hit me like a brick in the face, since then it's become less and less sexual and more just something that I need. Don't wait as long as I did, I'm lucky and still look super young, and despite being tall have a pretty slender frame.

It is perfectly normal that as you entered puberty a sexual component to your feminine side developed.
Happens to all girls when they hit puberty.
Part of the entire growing up thing.

[Ultimus]

How do you guys handle the mixed emotions and changes of heart with transitioning?

For some girls, it's a very easy decision to transition, a real no-brainer; they have known their whole lives that they would switch genders in the blink of the eye if given the chance.

For others like me, it's a mental wrestling match as to transition or not.

This morning, I was in the car practicing my girl voice, having fun, really excited about having my endocrinologist appointment in a few weeks. By nighttime, I was back to hating these transsexual feelings, disgusted at the idea, focusing on the negatives of transitioning:

"You're a 5'10 170 pound, grown-*** man, you're going to make a fool of yourself." "You'll never get an elite job in the business/finance industry." "You're going to destroy your mom and twin sister." "You're going to wake up one day wondering 'what have I done?' and be trapped in a woman's body"

At times I feel seconds away from canceling the endocrinologist appointment, at other times I know it is the only way I will ever be satisfied in life.

At the same time, the only sexuality I have ever known has been that of a woman. Every time I have fantasized since I was 5 years old, it has been about being a woman. It's nigh impossible for me to having sexual thoughts involving me in a heterosexual relation with a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not attracted to men, but it's extraordinarily difficult, if not downright impossible, to get sexual thoughts involving me with a woman.

If I stayed a man, I would never be sexually satisfied, I would always be stuck in a fantasy world. I don't know what to do, it's all I think about anymore, I can't focus on studying or anything but this issue.

[AmySmiles]

How do you guys handle the mixed emotions and changes of heart with transitioning?

It's part of the whole "dysphoria" package for a lot of us.  In my case, it got worse and worse as the years progressed.  Hormones made them go away for me, though I still had a couple near changes of heart in the first several months.  Kinda like, oh god what am I doing?  If you feel better and happier on hormones, go with it.  If you don't, then stop.

If I stayed a man, I would never be sexually satisfied, I would always be stuck in a fantasy world. I don't know what to do, it's all I think about anymore, I can't focus on studying or anything but this issue.

This worries me just a little.  You may not be sexually satisfied as a woman either, and if you aren't, you need to be happy with the rest of your life as a woman too.  There is more to life than sex... and estrogen seems to reduce sex drive for most of us.  If that doesn't sound like what you want, think long and hard to be sure of what you want before doing anything major.

[Mahsa Tezani]

How do you guys handle the mixed emotions and changes of heart with transitioning?


"You're a 5'10 170 pound, grown-*** man, you're going to make a fool of yourself." "You'll never get an elite job in the business/finance industry." "You're going to destroy your mom and twin sister." "You're going to wake up one day wondering 'what have I done?' and be trapped in a woman's body"

Honestly, you look like my ladydragonmom out of face. HE looks exactly like you as a boy. He makes a fabulous drag queen, but he has straight up said "I love doing drag, but would never do it fulltime because I make an ugly woman". His words, not mine... But here are some issues I had...don't hate me:

Woman's body? SRS won't change your body into a woman's body...Merely a woman's sexual organs. You still have to deal with male characteristics(big hands, broad shoulders, different facial structures) and I can say from being a transgender performer. That it is gonna take a lot of WERQK to make you look even remotely feminine. It means not buying video games, losing weight, learning to properly put on makeup, learning to do hair. Being a girl isn't just throwing on girl clothes and feeling feminine. Drag queens and TG performers work our asses off every single day in our lives to present as female in public. As much as the girls here say, "I know girls like that..." I don't see big muscular women or anything else and I live in a major metropolitan City.

I wouldn't have done this if I wouldn't have succeeded. I am 5'5", 135-140 lbs.... I live in SF and yeah,...No transition is fool proof. Someone can always tell. I've had my share of issues, as I've imagined everyone here has. Am I attractive? Yes. Very. Do I date all the time? Yes. Can I pick my partners? Yes. I couldn't control the fact I was a very feminine boy growing up...It's just how the cookie crumbled.

But I feel my "womanhood" is more like, "Oh I see my opportunity to do this and go for it" more than "I am gonna kill myself if I can't be my true self". If anything, I feel as my old self just dressed as a girl. As far as I know, makeup/ffs/ba is just like me putting on a drag act, permanently 24/7...I am still an xy underneath it all ... Hence why I am still into flaming homosexual men and can relate to performers more.

But am I happy? Pretty much and I think thats what matters. I am no longer whoring myself out on Castro st. or having STD scares every month. I have people in my life who mean something...and I have the respect of many gay, lesbian, and transgender people.

[Ultimus]

Honestly, you look like my ladydragonmom out of face. HE looks exactly like you as a boy. He makes a fabulous drag queen, but he has straight up said "I love doing drag, but would never do it fulltime because I make an ugly woman". His words, not mine... But here are some issues I had...don't hate me:

Woman's body? SRS won't change your body into a woman's body...Merely a woman's sexual organs. You still have to deal with male characteristics(big hands, broad shoulders, different facial structures) and I can say from being a transgender performer. That it is gonna take a lot of WERQK to make you look even remotely feminine. It means not buying video games, losing weight, learning to properly put on makeup, learning to do hair. Being a girl isn't just throwing on girl clothes and feeling feminine. Drag queens and TG performers work our asses off every single day in our lives to present as female in public. As much as the girls here say, "I know girls like that..." I don't see big muscular women or anything else and I live in a major metropolitan City.

I wouldn't have done this if I wouldn't have succeeded. I am 5'5", 135-140 lbs.... I live in SF and yeah,...No transition is fool proof. Someone can always tell. I've had my share of issues, as I've imagined everyone here has. Am I attractive? Yes. Very. Do I date all the time? Yes. Can I pick my partners? Yes. I couldn't control the fact I was a very feminine boy growing up...It's just how the cookie crumbled.

But I feel my "womanhood" is more like, "Oh I see my opportunity to do this and go for it" more than "I am gonna kill myself if I can't be my true self". If anything, I feel as my old self just dressed as a girl. As far as I know, makeup/ffs/ba is just like me putting on a drag act, permanently 24/7...I am still an xy underneath it all ... Hence why I am still into flaming homosexual men and can relate to performers more.

But am I happy? Pretty much and I think thats what matters. I am no longer whoring myself out on Castro st. or having STD scares every month. I have people in my life who mean something...and I have the respect of many gay, lesbian, and transgender people.

Edit: What does ladydragonmom mean?

Thanks for your input, it actually means a lot coming from you because, don't take this the wrong way, but I perceive you as being the "alpha (fe)male" of this community, like in a good way, you seem to have the dominating presence around here and you say exactly what you think, which is great.

At the end of the day, deep in my heart, I do NOT think I'm transgendered, because I cannot honestly say that I truly believe I am a woman inside, trapped in a male's body. Do I really want to be a girl? No, only in a sexual way. Not socially, or whatever.

At the same time, I don't know how to handle having had these autogynophilia thoughts for over 20 years. How would I tell my girlfriend or wife, "Hey, when we're having sex, I'm actually fantasizing about being you! Oh yeah, I'd like to also wear your clothes and do your makeup"

Without going into TMI, my entire sexuality is this: I look at pictures of females and imagine myself as them, I look at pictures of females clothes and imagine myself wearing them, I sometimes wear women's clothes, repeat over and over for 20 years.

Most guys fantasize about having sex with Megan Fox. I get no sexual stimulation AT ALL trying to imagine myself having sex with Megan Fox. None.

So how do I deal with this autogynophilia in a constructive way? I'm starting to think drag queen would be perfect: I get to be a girl when it's sexually convenient, but I get to be a man for when that's convenient as well. But how does a guy raised in an uber conservative Christian home, who has never drank or been to a party in his life, suddenly get into that sort of thing?

[sictransitkira]

Edit: What does ladydragonmom mean?

Thanks for your input, it actually means a lot coming from you because, don't take this the wrong way, but I perceive you as being the "alpha (fe)male" of this community, like in a good way, you seem to have the dominating presence around here and you say exactly what you think, which is great.

At the end of the day, deep in my heart, I do NOT think I'm transgendered, because I cannot honestly say that I truly believe I am a woman inside, trapped in a male's body. Do I really want to be a girl? No, only in a sexual way. Not socially, or whatever.

At the same time, I don't know how to handle having had these autogynophilia thoughts for over 20 years. How would I tell my girlfriend or wife, "Hey, when we're having sex, I'm actually fantasizing about being you! Oh yeah, I'd like to also wear your clothes and do your makeup"

Without going into TMI, my entire sexuality is this: I look at pictures of females and imagine myself as them, I look at pictures of females clothes and imagine myself wearing them, I sometimes wear women's clothes, repeat over and over for 20 years.

Most guys fantasize about having sex with Megan Fox. I get no sexual stimulation AT ALL trying to imagine myself having sex with Megan Fox. None.

So how do I deal with this autogynophilia in a constructive way? I'm starting to think drag queen would be perfect: I get to be a girl when it's sexually convenient, but I get to be a man for when that's convenient as well. But how does a guy raised in an uber conservative Christian home, who has never drank or been to a party in his life, suddenly get into that sort of thing?

I pretty much felt the same as you when I was your age, it's just kept getting worse for me. The good news is girls are pretty ok with crossdressing usually, my girlfriend loves making me up and is constantly looking for clothes and is sometimes more excited about than me. It's gotten more emotional and less sexual for me over time, I'm still turned on by dressing and thinking about being a girl, I guess the difference now is before after I was *done* I felt super weird and even grossed out about the fact that thinking that way is what gave me my jollies, that "guilt" usually went away after like 20 minutes... That dosen't tend to happen anymore. Dressing and fantasizing just isn't enough for me anymore, so now I'm preparing to transition.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Edit: What does ladydragonmom mean?

Thanks for your input, it actually means a lot coming from you because, don't take this the wrong way, but I perceive you as being the "alpha (fe)male" of this community, like in a good way, you seem to have the dominating presence around here and you say exactly what you think, which is great.

So how do I deal with this autogynophilia in a constructive way? I'm starting to think drag queen would be perfect: I get to be a girl when it's sexually convenient, but I get to be a man for when that's convenient as well. But how does a guy raised in an uber conservative Christian home, who has never drank or been to a party in his life, suddenly get into that sort of thing?

Alpha (fe)male...ah you've read my writings. I am loved and hated...respected by some, some want to put me in my place. In other words, what I expected happen.

Ladydragonmom is drag mother. Basically someone who has a muse to several people...the queen drag queen. Yes, I am an "MtF"and transgender. But without his guidence and honestly, I wouldn't have known my full potential. But getting at the same time, getting that meant I got sick of being a typical transgirl and wanted to be fabulous 24/7 and I disassociated myself from my "trans" thoughts which weren't even real to begin with. I can't even relate to the genital dsyphoria here...I took hormones knewing I'd be giving up my penial function. Those people who get srs are extremely brave. But I got the appearance and the life of a female, so no complaints there.

I think maybe you should start crossdressing in secret and get out of your parents house asap. Go to gay bars, learn from them...you might need to put on a "gay" act though. Look at youtube tutorials, add me on fb, etc.. I mean you need to decide how you feel about this. Take your time and see...

There are plenty of straight men who crossdress, some who do drag, etc... Just as I've chosen to break from the traditional view of an MtF. You could easily do the same as a CD/DQ and learn enough to alter your appearance to one day become an MtF if you like.

[Jen61]

So how do I deal with this autogynophilia in a constructive way?

You got so many posting abou AG, yet you seem to like it and stick to it.  The good news is that you have found Mahsa, she can be your mentor. Perahps you should consider movng to SF.

[Ultimus]

You got so many posting abou AG, yet you seem to like it and stick to it.  The good news is that you have found Mahsa, she can be your mentor. Perahps you should consider movng to SF.

I self-identify with ->-bleeped-<-. I'm not saying it applies to all TS, but it applies to me. It's looking more and more likely that not only do I have ->-bleeped-<-, but I am an ->-bleeped-<- TS. My gender identity therapist appointment is tomorrow and my endocrinologist appointment is January 3rd, and at this point, I am going to transition.

I would love for Mahsa to be my mentor, like I said, she seems to be the alpha (fe)male of this community.

Are you seriously suggesting that just packing up and moving from Georgia to SF is a viable option? The only chance you would ever see me in California is if I got into Berkeley or Stanford for graduate school.

[Jen61]

You are twenty you said, so you are two years into college. What is your GPA ? What are you majoring in ? What graduate program you are thinking geeting on ?

[Ultimus]

You are twenty you said, so you are two years into college. What is your GPA ? What are you majoring in ? What graduate program you are thinking geeting on ?

I skipped a year of college (graduating in 3 years instead of 4), so I'm actually in my 3rd year of college.

GPA: 3.94
Major: Mathematics (Pure, not applied)
Graduate program: Financial math / quantitative finance / financial engineering (all same thing, just different schools)

[Mahsa Tezani]

You got so many posting abou AG, yet you seem to like it and stick to it.  The good news is that you have found Mahsa, she can be your mentor. Perahps you should consider movng to SF.

Nope. Sorry.

[Ultimus]

so i went to the supposedly gender identity specialist, and it turns out that she didn't specialize in transgender patients and she didn't know what ->-bleeped-<- was. She said I would have to go to Atlanta to find a specialist.

Is there any point in going to a therapist? because honestly I don't see what she could tell me that you guys haven't already said.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Is there any point in going to a therapist? because honestly I don't see what she could tell me that you guys haven't already said.

I suppose it's to deal with the reality of society. Keep in mind, a lot of transpeople didn't come from being a feminine gay boy... But more people in your position and it's not easy on the body or soul. My boyfriend has to often tell me, "stop acting like a fruit" out in public. Society expects more from females than men.

[Nurse With Wound]

I self-identify with ->-bleeped-<-. I'm not saying it applies to all TS, but it applies to me. It's looking more and more likely that not only do I have ->-bleeped-<-, but I am an ->-bleeped-<- TS. My gender identity therapist appointment is tomorrow and my endocrinologist appointment is January 3rd, and at this point, I am going to transition.

All (well most) women are ->-bleeped-<-, TS or cis. There's nothing wrong with a girl wanting to be sexual as a woman, I certainly don't want to be sexual as a man, though I don't speak for all girls.

a lot of transpeople didn't come from being a feminine gay boy...

Some were feminine straight boys, funny how I have a preference for men (uh, feminine looking guys, though still love me boyish looking girls, woo androgyny) now though. : D

[Jeneva]

Is there any point in going to a therapist? because honestly I don't see what she could tell me that you guys haven't already said.

Will your Dr prescribe HRT with therapist letters?  Do you want surgery of any type eventually (which require letters)?  If you need letters then you need therapy.

Do you have anyone local you trust?  I am using a non-specialized therapist, but she has been great to work with and is very willing to read up on the WPATH protocols.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Will your Dr prescribe HRT with therapist letters?  Do you want surgery of any type eventually (which require letters)?  If you need letters then you need therapy.

Do you have anyone local you trust?  I am using a non-specialized therapist, but she has been great to work with and is very willing to read up on the WPATH protocols.

Hormones can be easily gotten from clinics in every major metropolitan area. You can get your blood levels checked every 6 months like I do.

I've been doing this on my own the past 3 years and I don't think therapy is always necessary. People don't need a medical supervisor to be themselves. However, if they feel the need to, then yes. But there are other alternatives.

[Ultimus]

Man, I feel like I am about to explode waiting for my doctor's appointment! Like I can't even enjoy my winter break because I'm anxiously thinking about it all day. Most people celebrate Christmas on December 25th, I'll be celebrating it on January 3rd!

Hormones can be easily gotten from clinics in every major metropolitan area. You can get your blood levels checked every 6 months like I do.

I've been doing this on my own the past 3 years and I don't think therapy is always necessary. People don't need a medical supervisor to be themselves. However, if they feel the need to, then yes. But there are other alternatives.

Can you post more about this process of obtaining hormones (through clinics)? Although I have an endocrinologist appointment, it's a very real possibility that he could just tell me no. My therapist today said that some endocrinologists won't do HRT because they aren't knowledgeable in it.