Family and Christmas

[MiaSakura]

I'm struggling with coming out to my family.  In the past they have been openly against gays, had mixed views about them, and what not.  Never so much as mentioned transexuals till recently; and had mostly negative things to say about them.  So they have me completely terrified to come out.  Problem being that if they are this openly against gays and potentially so against transexual folks, how am I supposed to come out to that.

I haven't started actual HRT yet, and I am currently trying to find a doctor and therapist in my area that handle such cases as mine.  It's not super easy, which sucks, but I can deal.  My hope is that once I get a doctor they'll support it since I have a doctor's backing and not just doing this/saying this.

Originally this year my goal was to be "out" by now, but that hasn't quite happened. Now that we're at Christmas time I feel like I've let that goal down.  I really wanna just sit them down and talk about it.  But that won't happen.  This time of year is super stressful and hectic for us all.  And I really don't wanna ruin anyone's Christmas.  Jokingly my roomie mentioned showing up at family Christmas in a cute red dress and matching Santa hat...  That wouldn't go over well.

I don't really know if I'm just ranting or looking for help here, so just take it how however you guys feel. I'm just a weird girl hiding in a closet. . .  lol

[Embla]

I'm not in your exact situation (having at least 1 positive close relative), however I'm choosing to have therapy and even HRT first before coming out the entire family, as a way of taking pressure off of me.  I know I may face resistance, and resistance is easier to deal with once the decisions are made already rather than while you are still trying to find a therapist and fine tune your own direction. 

It's easier to argue about something when someone thinks they have a say in it, or thinks they can convince you to do something you don't want to vs when the decision is already finalized and you did what you had to do.  So yea, my advice would be to get your ducks in a row first (for example getting a supportive therapist) so you can stand on higher ground, if it comes down to an argument, even if you hope it will be civil.

So yeah, I'd try to be yourself at Christmas (even in male garb), and maybe hope by Easter everything is set to tell them.  Or tell them at New Years maybe if you want to, and the pressure of the holidays has waned.

[Joelene9]

  I did open my mouth last year at the Christmas eve family get together!  OH, BLOODY HELL!  I thought.  They knew or suspected anyway.  That came out well.  My mom leaked it out in the late '70s when I came out to her. 
  Joelene

[MiaSakura]

I have decided to hold out and not talk about it.  I'm at an awkward point of hiding and freaking out right now, and having my family freak out at me and disown me right now wouldn't help at all.

I'm just so scared to move forward at all.

[Dana_H]

I have decided to hold out and not talk about it.  I'm at an awkward point of hiding and freaking out right now, and having my family freak out at me and disown me right now wouldn't help at all.

I'm just so scared to move forward at all.

I'd say to take a deep breath and, as you mentioned, put off making any decisions on coming out until after the holidays. You're right on the money there. Gently tell that scared little part of you to relax and enjoy the festivities. There is soo much chaos and stress this time of year that people cling to the "known" as tightly as they can for security. Sadly, this means that even very open-minded people may react poorly if they feel "blindsided" by something outside their norm.

After the first of the year, you can hopefully find a therapist and discuss the issue with him/her. Then you can decide how and when/if to come out to the family as well as how to handle that fear of moving ahead.

[pidgeontoed]

This is something I discussed with my therapist last meeting. She said "You don't want to come out on the holiday. Even though everyone is there, you don't want anything to detract from what you're saying. There's a lot going on, and this conversation is you sharing an intimate part of yourself with the people you care about. It has to be about you, with no distractions." Because of that, it seemed right in my family and friend life to come out to my Mom and my best friends before the holiday. I kind of hope we can share some smirks over ironic things that happen during family get-togethers. Have it bring us closer together. If that timeline doesn't work for you, make one that does. You are in control of this. Make sure the people you are telling are comfortable, that they have no other distractions, and that you are confident when you say it. It makes all the difference. I wish you luck in this part of your journey, Mia. There's too many clothes in this closet, and I hope it works out well for you when it happens!

Best <3

[Cindy]

As Pidgeon said,

The stress of holidays is usually not conducive to a happy 'Hi' I need to tell you a life changing event.

In my case I came out to the family when I invited them for dinner. My wife already knew and in fact most of the family did as well, but I am a tad older.

Just act as female as you feel. I did start turning up to family events wearing subtle make up, androgynous clothes and being me.

Cindy

[MiaSakura]

I made it through the holiday.  I just felt emotionally rough, and had some trouble actually getting to socalize wtih family at the event.  I just felt so weird.  Most of it I spent curled up on the couch sketching and doodling in my new sketchbook to just get a way from people.  It just felt like I was having to hide from them the whole time.

[Felix]

It's okay to go slowly, or at least to give yourself lots of breaks when you don't live up to what you think you should do. I've had to reassess and restrategize numerous times in my transition and how it relates to life in general.

I made it through the holiday.  I just felt emotionally rough, and had some trouble actually getting to socalize wtih family at the event.  I just felt so weird.  Most of it I spent curled up on the couch sketching and doodling in my new sketchbook to just get a way from people.  It just felt like I was having to hide from them the whole time.

I bet these words could have also been spoken by a lot of people, out or closeted. Holidays are difficult.

Good luck, and try not to let them get to you if they continue to display disrespect for trans and gay people.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Mia,

Congratulations girl for getting through the holidays. That's a major achievement for you. I'm so proud of you, for the distance you have travelled so far, and you are still very much together.

From what you've said, I'd say the therapist should be your next goal, above and beyond anything else, you need to aim for. I know you are short on supplies, but that really should be a secondary goal at this point in time. That is something you can get back to a little later. The stress you are experiencing presently, due to this "twilight zone" you are going through, with not being able to 'come out' may have a negative effect on your NBE. Stress endorphins should never be underestimated with the negative impact they can have on us.

Putting your time and resources into a therapist will allow you the freedom and confidence to master your coming out. Once this is achieved, you will be amazed at how everything else catches up, including your current development.

Keep on keeping on, girl. You are doing an amazing job.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[EvilEm]

congratulations on making it through the holidays It's a crazy time, everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Which is strange cause it's suposed to be a time when families get together. People are funny, anywho it's hard to tell how people will react,  sound like me during holiday visits sitting on the couch hiding with my sketch book afraid to talk. But the holidays are over and it's a new year, make 2012 your year and become your inner goddess 

[Cindy]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am going through it right now and tomorrow I have to go and visit my mother who is very ill and I will be there for a week or so and there is no way I can bring this up with her or the rest of the family around her. For a week I will have to live as a complete fraud. I already feel 'down' and my wife says I look sad, not myself.

I will have to wear something that will hide my chest. My breasts are not that big yet, but they are starting to be big enough.

Beverley

Hugs Beverley,

Thinking of you

Cindy

[Felix]

syb·a·rit·ic/ˌsibəˈritik/
Adjective:   
Fond of sensuous luxury or pleasure; self-indulgent: "their sybaritic lifestyle".

I did not know that word. Thanks Beverley.

[Felix]

I had the best christmas ever.