Is that really me?

[Amalina]

Hi, sorry if this is odd or long winded.

I have grown up as a generic male. I've had alternate thoughts since elementary school on and off but of course I pushed them way down deep. As more time passes though it's getting harder to ignore that I am not what I present myself as. Aside from the occasional conditioned knee jerk comment said privately to a friend about somebody that was LGBT, I've always been ok with the community. Not openly supportive most of the time but also not one to troll or try hurting anyone on purpose. For me it's just not something that I want to think on usually.

My problem is that even though I am somewhat sure that I was meant to be female, and I know some do transition later in life, I'm in my early 30's. I don't feel this is an option for me. I could never come out to friends or family, and I really don't have the body type that would work for it. I've never been into the cross dressing thing and unless I was full post op I couldn't see being with a guy. I love women but when I have thought of what life could be like as a woman it's usually a guy partner I'd be with, I'm not sure if this is making sense.  It's just so weird for me.

One of my questions is has anyone been in a similar situation that just kept suppressing the thoughts and feelings? Can someone live like that? I'm sure many have been at this point but from what I've read most have had the courage to follow through with doing what they need to make themselves happy. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading. I hope this is an ok forum for this post.

[MyUsername]

Why don't you think you can come out to friends and family if you don't mind me asking?

[Amalina]

Why don't you think you can come out to friends and family if you don't mind me asking?

I don't think I could handle the reactions. I would say that the vast majority of them would flip out. I am an emotional person anyways and that would be too hard to deal with.

[Emily Ray]

You ask if anyone can live without transitioning and that is really an individual adventure. I have many friends who felt the same way as you 30 years ago and now are going through transition in their 60's. No one can make the decision for you. But, of my friends not one of them doesn't regret making the decision they did when they were younger. It is a hard road to travel and we throw up all of our relationships in the air and they land where they land. For me the alternative would have been impossible.

Huggs

Emily

[Amalina]

You ask if anyone can live without transitioning and that is really an individual adventure. I have many friends who felt the same way as you 30 years ago and now are going through transition in their 60's. No one can make the decision for you. But, of my friends not one of them doesn't regret making the decision they did when they were younger. It is a hard road to travel and we throw up all of our relationships in the air and they land where they land. For me the alternative would have been impossible.

Huggs

Emily

I know it would be hard at any age. I just wish I knew what I wanted and was capable of. When I think about it, it feels right that I should be female. Which really isn't easy for me to even admit to myself sometimes. Then I think that if that was the case shouldn't I have known that quite some time ago? I know there were hints that I did my best to ignore, but how could this realization just hit me now? I feel so confused by it all.

I've thought about trying online since it's not as personal and more anonymity, even made a few profiles on social networks. I can't even bring myself to do much with those even though I know nobody would know it was me, also it feels like I'd be lying, even though I would never use it to lead anyone on. It still seems wrong to me. This posting on here is hard enough, I worry someone I know might for some reason stumble on here and pick up on my writing patterns or things I let slip.

Which just adds more to the thought that if I was so sure and serious about this then wouldn't I have some sort of conviction. I just have so many questions and no idea where to even start. I'm sorry if this is a jumble of gibberish. Still trying to figure out what I really want to say or ask.

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I signed up here, everyone seems nice.

[Keri Allison]

I've came out to so many people, well, 12 to be exact, and every single one of them accepted me for who I am. We're not talking liberals here. Some of these people are hard core Republicans (well.. maybe not. They're libertarians). So, it's actually a lot easier than you think. Just choose the right people. Who's that person who is always there for you? Who's that person who would risk their job or their reputations for you? Those are the ones to tell.

[Jen-Jen]

"I love women but when I have thought of what life could be like as a woman it's usually a guy partner I'd be with, I'm not sure if this is making sense.  It's just so weird for me."

I have this same thought!

[Amalina]

I've came out to so many people, well, 12 to be exact, and every single one of them accepted me for who I am. We're not talking liberals here. Some of these people are hard core Republicans (well.. maybe not. They're libertarians). So, it's actually a lot easier than you think. Just choose the right people. Who's that person who is always there for you? Who's that person who would risk their job or their reputations for you? Those are the ones to tell.

My problem is part of my family and friends are very ignorant of anything in the LGBT community and I'm sure would react in the worst possible way. The rest of them especially my friends are born again Christians, which I am as well. Of course that opens a lot more problems for me that I've tried to ignore in all this. They wouldn't be ignorant haters like WBC who most of us dislike a lot for the bad name it gives people of faith, but I know they would not be supportive at all, it would be all about praying to make it go away.

I really can't think of a single person online or off that I trust enough to be fully open with. The only way I'd ever be able to even think of transition would be if I could somehow disappear from all of them, and I'm sure that's not very likely either.

I'm sorry I probably sound like I'm just making excuses and countering everything but I really appreciate the responses more than I can say. Thank you.

[Amalina]

"I love women but when I have thought of what life could be like as a woman it's usually a guy partner I'd be with, I'm not sure if this is making sense.  It's just so weird for me."

I have this same thought!

I figured I wasn't alone in that, I'm just learning what all this is all about, the differences between each group and what TG is actually like. I found it weird that I don't want to be with a guy right now but if I was a woman then I would most likely want to be. I guess it's all about personal perspectives. I don't know.

[pidgeontoed]

Amalina, I read through this thread, and it doesn't sound as bad as you made it sound in your intor thread It's okay to be unsure and question, that's what we're here for! To give you the opportunity to question and find out what's right for you. This is a hard decision, and although people seem like they've had extreme courage and resolve to follow through with transition (which they have, not trying to say that's not the case), I guarantee you that many of the courageous moments on their way to that were paired with equal times of sadness, questioning and anxiety. It's a big thing to feel this way, and from what I can see from your posts, you and I are at similar points in this quest. Don't let it get you down

I wanted to comment on the point in your first post about crossdressing. My therapist (first session this past week, woo!) was asking me about dressing and how I feel. I've tried it before, so i said that, and then followed with a fumble on "it just doesn't seem right". Which I'm sure gave the totally wrong impression of how I felt. Afterwards, I was thinking, it's not that it doesn't feel right, it's that the clothes don't fit! Just like I'm not going to wear a men's XS tee or size 8 shoes. She also asked me about who I see myself with in the future, post-transition. I said "definitely a female", but honestly, post-op I would probably try dating both. I'm not going to struggle with my gender identity and sexual orientation at the same time. That makes no sense, so for right now, I'm a lesbian haha

Just wanted to post and have a bit of discussion, share my thoughts as well. Thanks for reading.

[Amalina]

Amalina, I read through this thread, and it doesn't sound as bad as you made it sound in your intor thread It's okay to be unsure and question, that's what we're here for! To give you the opportunity to question and find out what's right for you. This is a hard decision, and although people seem like they've had extreme courage and resolve to follow through with transition (which they have, not trying to say that's not the case), I guarantee you that many of the courageous moments on their way to that were paired with equal times of sadness, questioning and anxiety. It's a big thing to feel this way, and from what I can see from your posts, you and I are at similar points in this quest. Don't let it get you down

Thanks for responding. The problem is I was already down when I started to realize this, I've spent years in depression for other reasons and this is just one more problem. From my point of view a rather large problem to deal with. I don't know if I have it in me. As I mentioned in one of these threads I'm not really stable, emotionally. I am on medication but they barely keep the edge off. I've seen a therapist but for other reasons. I don't even know if I could voice any of this out loud right now, I think this is because what  I guess you'd say is my conditioned response from growing up suppressing things doesn't want me to admit it in that way because then it might be real. I'm still just guessing, I always over analyze things.

I wanted to comment on the point in your first post about crossdressing. My therapist (first session this past week, woo!) was asking me about dressing and how I feel. I've tried it before, so i said that, and then followed with a fumble on "it just doesn't seem right". Which I'm sure gave the totally wrong impression of how I felt. Afterwards, I was thinking, it's not that it doesn't feel right, it's that the clothes don't fit! Just like I'm not going to wear a men's XS tee or size 8 shoes. She also asked me about who I see myself with in the future, post-transition. I said "definitely a female", but honestly, post-op I would probably try dating both. I'm not going to struggle with my gender identity and sexual orientation at the same time. That makes no sense, so for right now, I'm a lesbian haha

For me it's kind of different, I have no desire to try passing right now. If I was able to transition and could possibly get past my own self judgment and maybe have a chance at passing then I'd think about it. I know it will sound stupid but the only way I can think of to describe it is if I could just swap bodies or something I would do it in a heartbeat. Of course thats fantasy and the reality is a long potentially awkward and hurtful time of being in between. I just don't have enough faith in friendship to think I could get through it, and I've never been close to my family anyways but I couldn't handle their reactions just the same.

On the lesbian thing I thought that myself also when I all this first occurred to me. I currently have zero desire to be with a guy. As I was saying though if I was fully transitioned then all I could picture myself with would be a guy. It's just so confusing to think about and as you said, not something that I feel is important right now. Relationship and all that goes with it is not the motivator for me so it can wait.

My biggest problem with all of this that I can't get past though is that there is literally nothing feminine about me on the outside. I'm a big guy, lots of hair, and even if I lost weight I would still have a somewhat linebacker type build. I can't see ever being able to transition enough to be happy with myself.

Thanks for listening.

[pidgeontoed]

I agree about the worries with transitioning and the wish for a simple body swap. I would be a very tall and quite manly female post transition. There's a lot of wishing involved in this for me (ie wish: started sooner, wasn't so tall, could be easier, was born with the correct body!). I'd recommend, think it over with yourself, play some scenarios through and see what you think. If you're feeling particularly ambitious, maybe even bring it up with the therapist. I don't know how well versed he/she is with gender issues, but if it's something that has occurred for this long, it's not going away and it's not something to give an incorrect impression of you (on the inside I mean). Mentioning it is not a commitment to transition, and if your therapist tries to force you to that, they're a terrible person. Try saying it out loud in the car and see how you feel. I've tried looking in the mirror and saying it and passing my own tests before telling my therapist. It really felt good to talk about it, though.

I can see that there is a lot that is troubling you. I'm glad that you keep checking here. Stay strong, you can do this.

[Amalina]

Yeah my problem isn't height so much as bulky frame, even if I was skinny I would still be a big guy in that sense.

I'm in between therapist right now but hoping to find a new one if I find insurance. I'll think about saying something, it wont be easy though with my trust issues and talking about it. Don't worry if they tried pushing it so fast it would freak me out I'm sure and I doubt I'd see them again.

I don't really have anywhere else to go to talk about this stuff right now so I lurk and check back here often. I was wondering if you or anyone else might have an opinion on something I talked about earlier. Considering I'm just questioning right now and have no plans to be open about it anytime soon. Do you think it would be wrong for me to maybe join other boards or social networks pretending to be female? It feels so much like I'm lying, but I want to know what it might be like on the other side, even if the net is a bad example probably, it's something.

[pidgeontoed]

I'd say go for it. Scenarios like that will make you feel more comfortable with it and help you get down to what you really want. In my opinion it isn't lying, but more of self exploration. Besides, girls are all about lying. Think of it as practice for if you find that transition is right for you

[Amalina]

I'd say go for it. Scenarios like that will make you feel more comfortable with it and help you get down to what you really want. In my opinion it isn't lying, but more of self exploration. Besides, girls are all about lying. Think of it as practice for if you find that transition is right for you

Ok that last part was pretty funny, thanks for the laugh.

Yeah I'm hoping that kind of self exploration will help. One thing I was thinking about today, even if I decide to not change and continue as is, I already have a much greater respect for TG's. Seriously just six months ago I would of been freaked out at the thought, but reading forums like this and such I think if I went that route of continuing as I have been, and ended up dating one that it won't really bother me, well I'm sure it would take some time and all but I wouldn't run off like I probably would have before.

I mention all this because it's just odd for me right now finding myself with different perspectives than I grew up with. I'm confused but identify as straight still and still have a lot of the typical straight guy feelings/thoughts but I don't feel weird thinking the women on here are pretty. Which is how I know there has been some change in me already with all of this. I'm just rambling on.

btw I'm still really new to all of this so I'm sorry if I may use wrong terms sometimes I don't mean to.

[JoanneB]

You certainly aren't alone in how you feel. In fact, aside from the cross-dressing part, your story and feelings are very much like mine. I always dressed and even went as far trying part-time twice before I was 30. Both times giving it up between a) Never feeling I can succeed.  b) I did not fulfill my personal criteria to continue on with the experiment (ie: guys). c) The eternal quest to be "Normal"

Yes, you can dance on that knife edge between sexes, or totally stuff, or both. I've done them all, sometimes in the same week  Now, some 20-30 years later I know without any doubt that I can succeed, even at 6ft tall big boned and baritone voice; and that "Normal" is very much overrated! Nor do I regret spending that time as a guy. It wasn't all that bad. If you think making a decision at 30 is difficult, don't wait until you're 55! You got a ton more baggage to deal with. But it can be done. Plenty of others have.

[Emily Ray]

@Amalina, I had done some crossdressing in my childhood and then didn't do it again until I was 38. Inbetween I was in complete denial and no matter what I did I kept getting more and more depressed. At 38 and a half I stumbled across a transsexuals life story and I completely identified with it. Until that moment I never gave any consideration to me being a transsexual. I didn't jump right into transition though. I did a lot of hard thinking and realized it made sense for me. My only regret and it isn't a real regret is that I didn't start sooner. It isn't real because I just didn't understand this about myself.

Huggs

Emily

[Amalina]

Thank you Joanne and Emily.

I've noticed that lately as well about identifying with others around here. It's just not easy to deal with, I know I'm not alone in that but considering those I have around me offline I feel very alone and I can't see being able to ever be myself.

This week has been pretty hard for me, I mentioned here before how I just don't think of guys in an intimate way, yet see myself after a possible transition wanting to probably go that route. Well since I've been opening up mentally and thinking more about if I could ever transition, I have had some really personally disturbing experiences. I know it's wrong for me to find them disturbing but after so long being closed to any of this it's hard to accept things sometimes.

My problem is that since I've been thinking seriously on it, I've found myself sometimes looking at other guys differently than before. As if I was already changed, and that has bothered me a lot and further made me feel I couldn't follow through. I just can't picture myself transitioned to my expectations.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings, one of the guys was an old friend I haven't talked to in a while and it really felt almost like a lame crush. I just wish I could really talk to someone about all this that I could trust and might understand what I'm talking about, face to face I mean. I don't know anyone I can trust that much though, I know some might say a therapist would be good for this. I'm still not sold on them, I have been to a therapist for depression and it took me a few visits to even start talking about my suicidal problems and even then I downplayed it more than I should have and tried to change the subject anytime it came up. I have serious trust issues.

I'm sorry for rambling I just needed to get some of this out.

Again thanks everyone, you all have been very helpful here and even just being able to read your thoughts around the forums. *hugs*

[justmeinoz]

As you can see there are a lot of us here who have been through a similar thing, and a lot of us are older than you are .  I started to make the very first questioning steps towards transition at 56, I am also 6'3" and broad shouldered, but am generally accepted as a woman around here.  A smile and a happy countenance does wonders for a start.
If you can find a specialist Gender Therapist you can make a good start.  Just blurt everything out, they have heard far more harrowing stories than whatever you will tell them.  There are lots of destinations along the transition path, some people go all the way top SRS, and some are able to cross-live without surgery. Some can live comfortably in their original body, knowing who they are inside.  They can help you ask yourself the questions that will point you in the right direction.
A good friend of mine decided not to change his body but work to change society instead, and is prominent in GLBTIQ  activism and organisations in this State.  Technically he would be described as a MtF Transgenderist I guess, but just gets on with his life and is too busy to worry about the details.  He is now a well known community leader in what was, until a few years ago, the second most homophobic part of the country. So don't give up before you start.

Hope you are having a merrier Christmas , Amalina.

Karen.

[Amalina]

Thanks Karen.

I really don't know what to do. I keep seeing the advice about a therapist, I'm not sure I could trust one enough to open up though. How would I know if they would keep my secret, maybe they might feel I need to come out to others and tell someone around me to "help". I'm not even close to ready for that confrontation, right now even as much as I wish I could be my real self I would rather die than deal with that.

I just don't know what to do, this is all too much right now. Even before all this I had many reasons I felt valid enough to end things. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to transition and go through the family and friend problems let alone the people on the street. I just don't have enough faith in other people, I have a hard time believing anybody really cares. From my own experience I couldn't give even one example of someone friend or family, that honestly did.

I'm sorry I think I might be repeating myself. I'm just so confused. I've tried to start a tumblr to make some anonymous blog entries to gather my thoughts but not sure if it will help. Thanks again for responding sorry it took some time to reply.