I am still in 'thought' mode regarding this subject and have been for years.
I am not sure why I have been thinking about this subject for so long without actually making a decision or coming to a conclusion, maybe I am afraid to die, perhaps it's because there are so many variables, so many unknowns, that I can't account for. I am not sure if religion, morality, or my sensitivity to others are playing a role in my thoughts on the subject, well, I am sure they are, but I am not sure to what extent they are.
Leigh, while I did not always agree with her views, once said that transition isn't anymore couragous then running out of a building on fire is couragous.
It's true enough that it cast a shadow of a doubt on my certainty that I would eventually suicide.
Under that analogy, suicide would be akin to propping your feet up and seeing if anything good was on Television while flames came through the very walls around you.
Transition and Suicide.
The underlying question is whether life is worth living, not right now, but forever more.
If any path you choose, other than suicide, could not possibly make life worth living, than suicide is the only viable option. However, you can't rely on a decision about the future at any single moment in time existing in the past. What I mean by that, is that, other than living, there is no accurate way to know whether the future is worth living for; simply put, you would be guessing.
The more facts you have to reach a decision, the more accurate that decision will be.
Facts take time to research and gain.
Incidentally, this is why interpreted languages (vs. compiled languages) are so much more dynamic, however, the tradeoff is that they are slower, they wait until they have more facts during runtime to do variable binding whereas compiled languages bind to memory ... blah, off subject, sorry.
My point was, that this is very similiar.
The more facts you have, the more decisions you make based on those facts, the more accurate your decision will be. In life, you gain those facts by living and making decisions based on those facts
Now, the second part of the arguement. Is it more viable and / or selfless to commit suicide vs. transitioning.
It's very difficult to say.
There are very clear tradeoffs to each.
1.
Transitioning (pro):
You are making decisions based on facts you have learned and / or accepted to try and find happiness in your life. You are still here making decisions and experiencing life and hopefully, learning.
Suicide (con):
You just finished making any future decisions based on, at most, a guess.
2.
Transitioning (pro):
Your loved ones always have the oppertunity to see you, albiet you don't look exactly the same as before, but, as has been said many times, you are still you and they have the option of coming and visiting, or talking to you whenever you or they wish. ie. you aren't gone forever
Suicide (con):
You have eliminated any possibility of your loved ones ever speaking to you or seeing you ever again based on a decision you have made.
3.
Transitioning (con)
You could be ridiculed, mocked, and you could hurt those around you very much.
Suicide (con)
You will hurt those around you very much, granted, you won't have to deal with the ridicule and mockery which is a definate bonus. But, either through transition or suicide, it's going to hurt those around you.
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Many of you know my views on this subject.
For now, I am sticking around trying to ascertain whether it is possible that life will get any better than this.
I am still fact finding. Suicide is, in my mind, much more selfish than transitioning. That does not mean that suicide isn't the road to discount, it's very personal and you yourself have to find your own answers on the subject.
with love,
Jessica
