My Love

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Please help me understand... my man is gone..my wife is reborn..she is very happy and more animated.. she is my 34 yr. Old teenager .. I feel as if my heart has a hole in it..this person I knew is no more.. how did u cope? I love Jill a lot I feel as if we were meant to meet but my heart has an emptiness to it. Went from a grown man to a teenage girl practically overnight...I am in tears lying next to my spouse..trying to gather my love for this new happy person..

[spacial]

Don't know if there is a way to understand some things.

It's life.

[Jamie D]

Please help me understand... my man is gone..my wife is reborn..she is very happy and more animated.. she is my 34 yr. Old teenager .. I feel as if my heart has a hole in it..this person I knew is no more.. how did u cope? I love Jill a lot I feel as if we were meant to meet but my heart has an emptiness to it. Went from a grown man to a teenage girl practically overnight...I am in tears lying next to my spouse..trying to gather my love for this new happy person..

You are in mourning for your husband.

Grieve.  But know the new relationship will help you move on from the old.

[Jeneva]

I finally talked my wife into registering and I will see if she can post on this thread later when she gets off work.  Sorry we'd have jumped on it quicker, but I was in Chicago recovering from surgery last week so it has been fairly busy around here.

When you talk about the joint relationship aspects I'd be glad to help, but the questions you are asking need to be answered by her.

Just don't give up, it took us a long time to get to this point, but it isn't impossible.

[Dragonfly]

Hi. This is Shannon, Jeneva's wife.  My heart really goes out to both of you.

It has been a little over three years since Jen came out to me.  I remember that during the first year life was like a combination of being on a giant yoyo that someone was playing with while riding a roller coaster.  There were times when I would feel like I understood our new life then something would happen to knock me flat on my ass.  For example, one night when we were watching tv, the Fed Ex guy delivered a box from JC Penny that contained women's clothing that Jeneva had ordered.  I felt betrayed, utterly devastated, and hit rock bottom emotionally.  I think I was maybe in denial that she was truly trans. I think that I was hoping that this was just a phase that would go away.  That night I bawled like a baby.  Jeneva held me while I cried in the bed that night and we talked about how I felt.

We certainly had our ups and downs during the first year.  I honestly think that the reason we are still together is because we have talked and talked about absolutely everything.  We have also spent so much time holding each other and giving each other hugs.

I'm glad you are on Susan's where you can seek support.  Hang in there and remember with time it will get better.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Hi Shannon,

Thank you for the post. We do talk about everything!! She and I love eachother alot and we support eachother like the best friends that we are. I am in the accepting stage for the most part. I have known about this for about 1 year or so. Jill has been on hormones for 7 months.. Right now, her biggest fear is that she will never pass as 100% female, I suppose a lot of transwomen go through that stage. It is EXTREMELY heartbreaking to hear her tell me how she feels as she looks at herself in the mirror.. But we are best friends and I do empathis with her as she is there for me. I want her to see she will be beautiful as the times pass, she already is showing the appearances that I have pictured in my mind... I am hanging in there though..

Thank you to the rest of the responses. Much love to all!! Always be true to be whom you are and never look back!!!

[Shantel]

We certainly had our ups and downs during the first year.  I honestly think that the reason we are still together is because we have talked and talked about absolutely everything.  We have also spent so much time holding each other and giving each other hugs.

Yes you are so right about communicating. I have known my genetic female spouse since she was 14 years old, she was 22 and I was 26 when we married. We had two children, now adults, we've been married now for 43 years. Needless to say it was devastating for both of us when I transitioned to the place where I am now, however the change brought us to a different place in our level of intimacy. I had been unwittingly emotionally distant in the past, but the mental and emotional change turned that around and the emotional connection between us especially during intimacy is huge. We have to get creative, but love and the will to remain together overcame all odds. We live fairly well connected at the hip as lifetime partners come hell or high water! We can spend a day doing girly things, shopping and lunch out. Years past, you'd never get me to go shopping with a woman at the mall. She wanted to get a few new bras but couldn't remember her favorites. I told her, "Honey, you like those cotton underwire free ones by Warner!" She said, "Oh Sweetie, you are good!"

[Jeneva]

We had two children, now adults, we've been married now for 43 years. Needless to say it was devastating for both of us when I transitioned to the place where I am now, however the change brought us to a different place in our level of intimacy. I had been unwittingly emotionally distant in the past, but the mental and emotional change turned that around and the emotional connection between us especially during intimacy is huge. We have to get creative, but love and the will to remain together overcame all odds.

Congratulations, 43 years is amazing today even without trans issues.  It is the positive stories like that they help us all see that it DOES get better and there is hope.  We're coming up on 15 years in June.

I also agree that we (the M to whatever side of the relationship) can easily become emotionally distant without even realizing it.  For me that was a coping technique, but now that I feel open to express myself I do think we have a much deeper connection.  And there is certainly nothing wrong with creativity (especially in the bedroom )

[Shantel]

Congratulations, 43 years is amazing today even without trans issues.  It is the positive stories like that they help us all see that it DOES get better and there is hope.  We're coming up on 15 years in June.

I also agree that we (the M to whatever side of the relationship) can easily become emotionally distant without even realizing it.  For me that was a coping technique, but now that I feel open to express myself I do think we have a much deeper connection.  And there is certainly nothing wrong with creativity (especially in the bedroom )

How cool a June bride! Ours is June 26th. Also an Atta Girl for you too Ms for hanging in there! I'll keep you both in my thoughts at night when I have my little conversation with the Big Kahuna! ((hugs))

[Jennifer.L]

If there's one thing being on the Trans side of the coin has taught me, it's that we are very distant and we come over like we have a screw you aditude, when we try to play are birth gender.  I used to struggle to keep 2 friends to rub together.  Now people jsut want to hang out.  Sorry this isn't supposed to be about me >.<

Ask her how afraid she is that your going to leave her and how much thats had to do with things.  I was damn sure no one would love me anymore, and that I would be truely alone in the world.

Once you stop haveing to double think all the time,  Well she act's very young right?  God my biggest problem is dressing my age xD  Your Tgirl will have been; spending along time going threw stores and knowing that she couldn't buy any of the times she wants.  And that she couldn't even be caught wanting them.

Theres something very freeing about that.

My mom came and saw me jsut last week.  She was really worried about me.

For me visiting anyone I cared about was draining.  when I would go see the family, by the end of the day I jsut wanted to go hide in my room.  Now I can share a room and stay up all night talking to mom.

->-bleeped-<- I'm jsut saying Me stuff again

What trying to say is she going to act like a kid, for a while at least.  But it will normal out I promise


Look, the best advice I've ever heard for this stuff came from the TV show "House".  There was an amish guy who was learning that his wife, uesd to be into drug sex, and rock and roll.  The man said to house that he didn't hate her for what she had done, because it was part of who she was.  And that, He loved her, so how could knowing her more, not make him love her more?

In the end it's a question of do you love the person next to you.

  Trust me I'm a had to love,  I'm a genius.  So ever girl assumes that I can't love them if there not as smart as me.  It makes me want to cry because I don't care about that.  Do we like to talk about things together?  Hell it can be ass simple as; does the person make me not feel lonely/not bug the crap out of me?  I could cry for want of someone to just be in my home.

{p.s. my smarts are not in writing so I'm sorry for how hard that is to read   }

[GypsySoul]

 I feel for you, I am new to the situation myself but I understand the hole in your heart. My spouse was born a male. I fell in love with a man. And when I found out (quite recently) that he identified as a woman and wanted to start pursuing his goal of transitioning... in that moment, and many more moments after that it felt as if my husband had died. I wish I knew how to help you cope but I havent figured it out myself. All I know to do, all I can do to help the hurt inside myself is to try and remember that my wife is the same person she always was. She still laughs at the same jokes, makes the same messes, and loves me just the same as my husband did. It doesnt fill the void, but it helps ease the pain. Just remember, under the teenage girl is the same person you loved before.... I hope this is at least a sliver of comfort to you. 

Gypsy

[Dragonfly]

Shantel,

Thank you for the compliment and congratulations on 43 years!  Like Jeneva said, that's impressive.  My parents will have been married 43 years this June 13.  I have found a strength that I didn't realize I had in dealing with idiots and their opinions on our marriage.  Be strong and stick to your convictions.

It's kind of funny to me how things have worked out for us because I have always been a tomboy.  I'm an only child and grew up in the country.  I spent every moment outside in the woods with my dogs or climbing trees.  I'm hopeless when it comes to makeup or hair advice too.  Just last night Jeneva was looking at pictures of different eyeshadow styles and I told her I couldn't even begin to help with that since I never wear the stuff.  

I do truly believe in two souls finding each other for a reason.  Jeneva is still the love of my life and will always be, just like you and your spouse.  I wish you both the best of luck.

Blessed be,
Shannon

[Shantel]

It's kind of funny to me how things have worked out for us because I have always been a tomboy.  I'm an only child and grew up in the country.  I spent every moment outside in the woods with my dogs or climbing trees.  I'm hopeless when it comes to makeup or hair advice too.  Just last night Jeneva was looking at pictures of different eyeshadow styles and I told her I couldn't even begin to help with that since I never wear the stuff.  

I do truly believe in two souls finding each other for a reason.  Jeneva is still the love of my life and will always be, just like you and your spouse.  I wish you both the best of luck.

Blessed be,
Shannon

Shannon,
     My heart goes out to both you and GypsySoul, it's a difficult situation when you thought that you married men and wind up like this. The reality here is that given the fact that we all started out female in the womb and perhaps because genetic males still retain the X in the XY chromosome combination, we may at some point become affected both mentally and physiologically by that coupled with environmental contaminants. Who knows? I was a two enlistment paratroop and know for a fact that something clicked in my brain in S.E Asia having spent many sleepless nights under a steamy triple canopy jungle dripping with Agent Orange. I don't use that as my excuse, but my spouse and I are certainly suspicious that it may have affected me adversely. Many years later I had reason to have my family jewels removed due to sudden onset of a negative condition. Follow-up treatment required female hormones, the rest is history because it was like introducing a duck to water.

   Funny about your Tom Boy comment, because my spouse was and is just like you. She might use a little light lipstick and a little tint in her cheeks and eyeliner but for the most part she could care less about makeup. As a young girl she preferred high top tennis shoes, bib jeans and a T-shirt and preferred to hang out with the boys. Her mom was still yelling at her when she was fourteen that she couldn't go outside without wearing her bra under that top! 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Shantel,

we've been married now for 43 years. Needless to say it was devastating for both of us when I transitioned to the place where I am now, however the change brought us to a different place in our level of intimacy. I had been unwittingly emotionally distant in the past, but the mental and emotional change turned that around and the emotional connection between us especially during intimacy is huge. We have to get creative, but love and the will to remain together overcame all odds. We live fairly well connected at the hip as lifetime partners come hell or high water!

Thanks so much for this. I hope I can take something from what you've experienced. After 31 years, I think the glue that kept us together is in a state of catastrophic failure. But, life was never meant to be easy.

I wish you both continued success in partnership.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Dragonfly]

   Funny about your Tom Boy comment, because my spouse was and is just like you. She might use a little light lipstick and a little tint in her cheeks and eyeliner but for the most part she could care less about makeup. As a young girl she preferred high top tennis shoes, bib jeans and a T-shirt and preferred to hang out with the boys. Her mom was still yelling at her when she was fourteen that she couldn't go outside without wearing her bra under that top! 

Shantel,

That is too funny!  I am a lot like her.  Until my mom made me start wearing a shirt when I was ten, I went shirtless in hot weather at home pretty much all the time.  I actually freaked my mom out because when I was twelve or so, she noticed that I hadn't actually been shaving under my arms.  Talk about having a fit!  While all my friends were complaining about their moms not letting them wear makeup, my mom was begging me to wear makeup and do something with my hair.  I never really fit in with the girls and also hung out with guy friends.  It's really neat to find out that there are other people who are like me in the world.
Shannon

[Shantel]

You're not alone here Shannon! (hugs)

[Dragonfly]

You're not alone here Shannon! (hugs)

Thanks!

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

How cool a June bride! Ours is June 26th. Also an Atta Girl for you too Ms for hanging in there! I'll keep you both in my thoughts at night when I have my little conversation with the Big Kahuna! ((hugs))

Our anniversary date is June 11th, 2005!!! WOOHOO!! I am in the June club as well!! I am loving my Jillybean more and more everyday!! Right now, we are busy warding off ignorant folks on her job site!! That at times feels overwhelming emotionally!! She will get more messed up comments thrown her way, but she is learning to cope!! At least I hope so... I am feeling better then my initial post stated.. ooxxxxoo thank you everyone for your kind words

[Jeneva]

Our anniversary date is June 11th, 2005!!! WOOHOO!! I am in the June club as well!! I am loving my Jillybean more and more everyday!! Right now, we are busy warding off ignorant folks on her job site!! That at times feels overwhelming emotionally!! She will get more messed up comments thrown her way, but she is learning to cope!! At least I hope so... I am feeling better then my initial post stated.. ooxxxxoo thank you everyone for your kind words

Cool, we'll have to start a thread in one of the general forums for a virtual party for June anniversaries.  We're 6/1/97.  Maybe this way Shannon and I will remember.  Last year NEITHER of us remembered until her mom called and told her happy anniversary.

We're happy to hear that it is going better for you.  I wish the general public were more accepting, but if she is learning to shrug them off then that works too.  Just remember if you need to vent or just talk to someone else there is almost always someone on the forums.

Good luck with work issues and just remember that both of you together are stronger than apart.

[Shantel]

Last year NEITHER of us remembered until her mom called and told her happy anniversary.

Holy Crap Jen!
   I forgot once, it won't happen again because it came up several times over the ensuing six months.    Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and that Hallmark holiday, Valentines Day, can lead to potentially stressful and seemingly unending dialog!  Just a little older sisterly stuff here honey ((hugs))