I appreciate the ideas, I've toiled with the idea of part time crossdresser and the line, but for me I guess its more about getting the physical changes and halting my masculine ones from going any further than just clothing so I had to rule that out. As far as staying pre-op ( or pre srs?) is thats what you meant, thats not even on my to do list currently ill worry about that later.
As far as how close I am to the "start of my journey" in my own mind its somewhat started. My thought process will rarely even shift to the idea of me not doing it anymore, its more of a...not doing it now.. like im procrastinating lol. I do agree that there are different types, such as Padma said earlier with the idea that she has no desire to look feminine. As far off as I can remember i've been somewhat troubled by the fact that my face and body grow more and more masculine every day. I'm pretty skinny and small framed for the most part so it was kind of just like an okay situation, it stops me from being able to work out cause it causes dysphoria and lack of motivation but i was skinny and small so somewhat "girly" so i've been okay with that. However the face is another area entirely, while not the most manly looking guy ever, im also not really girly looking anymore like i was years back.
I definetly have a strong desire to look feminine, in body and face and clothing would merely accent that. I'm not really dying to jump into skirts or anything, as unlike some of the people of this forum i fear im still desperately clasping on to my masculinity of some sort and it weirds me out a little. Of course that could also just because i still look male, and I know it. With that in mind I'm pretty sure just crossdressing is debunked.
I know i probably haven't made much sense thus far, but lets go down the rabbit hole a little further and ill explain what truly frightens me and its going to sound silly but bare with me.
It's not growing breasts, looking like a woman, dressing like one, acting like one or presenting myself as one its more so when i tell someone family or friend and they say " oh you want to be a woman? and wear dresses" I couldn't explain to you why but for some reason it really weirds me out hearing it like that. I remember my first session in therapy when i was explaining these things and she would bluntly say something like oh you feel your a woman I'd just clam up and start sweating profusely lol. It works the same when I'm explaining how im transgendered and what that means, its like im trying to save face by beating around the bush with them and instead of saying i want to be a woman i word it in a way that makes it sound like an obligation or something which just confuses them even further.
I use this especially when trying to talk to my mom who is very, very, very close minded on...well everything to make it sound like well its a disorder mom gotta do what I gotta do. She still tends to recall those drag queens that come on maury or some other talk show that she watches and thinks i want to do that. I've explained it various times but its like one big circle.
To everyone who has responded so far I appreciate your thoughts and feelings, I'll keep trying my best to articulate myself better I've never been able to do so when discussing this topic though, but I will try
