Hey guys, I'm new to the site but thought I might ask for some opinions on this.  I'm not easily influenced so don't worry i'm not gonna do anything drastic just because I hear what people have to say I'm just curious since other than my therapist I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this kind of stuff.

So, I know I'm transgendered...there just really isn't any debating it at this point.  My problem lies in that there are so many outcomes and I'm struggling to choose.  Like some, mine originally started with my crossdressing, then having same feelings of wanting to be a girl without the crossdressing.  I can't remember any time in the last 6 years where I haven't pictured myself as the girl when masturbating/having sex.  ><.  I've always felt a little put off because most people seem to come to tears when they start hormones, or they hate their boy selfs so much that they abuse themselves or try and commit suicide... and i really feel like i should've been born a woman..but im not suicidal.. Maybe i just haven't gotten to that stage?

I've talked to my therapists and she told me everyones different and I get that, but I just really haven't seen anyone that sounds like me.

My options seem to be:

1.  Don't transition, never know if i would have been happier doing it.

2.  Don't transition, get horribly depressed end up doing it when im 50 ruining my marriage and turning my life upside down.  and move to live with aunt and uncle in bel'air( Sorry XD).  Also at this point hormones would be far less effective and

3.  Transition, Love it.  Be awesome.

4.  Transition, dislike it.  Stop, and then im sterile.

5.  Transition, ILL NEVER PASS.  Or other related problems, i know everyone feels this but it is a concern.

I could be more detailed in each I suppose but thats more or less, i can explain more if you anyone needs me to but just wanted to get this off my chest since I'm currently unable to sleep from pondering it.

Thanks,
:3

Being suicidal isn't a requirement for being trans, lol.

I don't know what you mean by "most people seem to come to tears when they start hormones." It was my experience, and others (along with medical professionals) have confirmed that it's a common one, that starting hormones actually relieves a lot of tension, and despair if that's present too.

Whether or not you transition comes down to whether or not you are content with life as a man. If you feel like you could be happy staying how you are forever, then don't transition. If that thought reviles you, if you know deep down that you will never be able to settle for that life, if you are unhappy with your dysphoria, then your best option is probably to transition and be who you were meant to be.

lol, My apologies it was not my intention to make it sound as if suicidal is a requirement .  I have a friend over so am ducking and writing( he doesn't know ), it just seems like most cases I've heard everyone seems to be more distressed over their situation than I am.  Its somewhat conflicting causes some doubt, because i feel that I am the same way minus the crazy emotional stuff.  Idk, ive always been somewhat emotionally muted so maybe thats just carrying over.  I also haven't received hormones so I can't say for certain how I'd react in that particular aspect.

Basically, those who transition do so because there's otherwise no (or very low) possibility of happiness for them. I don't think levels of emotion on the subject is necessarily relevant.

Thanks for the input I know that probably came off as confusing, but I have trouble articulating myself well in this area.

Quote from: Haven on January 15, 2012, 06:48:31 AM
Idk, ive always been somewhat emotionally muted so maybe thats just carrying over.  I also haven't received hormones so I can't say for certain how I'd react in that particular aspect.

My main method of coping until after finishing my BS was to become an emotionless robot.  I just did what I was told and felt nothing.  I certainly wasn't suicidal, but if I had really understood transsexuality and had ANY support I would have started transition pre-high school even.  It tried to talk VERY early about it and was just shut off and told to never feel or talk that way again.  So I didn't, but the only way I knew how was to not feel anything.  Once I met my current wife that fell apart for me.  My family actually arranged all of that because they were sure I was gay since i never dated anyway (I didn't sneak off either so I don't know how they thought I was having secret gay sex).  However unfortunately for them, I actually clicked with her for once.  They I tried to be the perfect guy for her.  And they it was for our children.  But you know what.  Each tool used to put it off failed.  And each new one failed faster than the last. 

The cool think is now thanks to the internet you understand these options now.  You aren't getting filtered information from school or family.

I don't agree with 5 options though.  I think you have 2.

#1 Transition now
#2 Don't transition now and trust you can resist

Unfortunately with #2 you may have to ask the question over and over again through the years.  If the answer is ever #1 will you regret the time lost? 

Even with #1 you have to ask the question a few times, but nowhere near as many.  Yes it may not be for you when you start HRT.  But are you sure you won't know before sterility hits?  And even if it does so what?  There are so many options: sperm banks and adoption being two of the major ones.  Even if you didn't transition and weren't sterile it doesn't mean that any eventual wife you find will be fertile.  Would you love her less if she couldn't actually carry your baby?  If not then why should you assume she would love you less for the same thing.

The whole be awesome or not pass is not important.  You aren't transitioning for others.  You are transitioning for yourself.  What if you had been born a GG but were extremely ugly, does that make you any less a girl?  Or even more relevant (and i HOPE this never happens), what if you were in some sort of accident and hideously scarred on your face and body after having transitioned and had the "awesome" life.

The one nice thing about where you are now, is that in college you may be away from home.  That makes it so much easier to explore options.

Quote from: Haven on January 15, 2012, 05:49:48 AM
they hate their boy selfs so much that they abuse themselves or try and commit suicide... and i really feel like i should've been born a woman..but im not suicidal.. Maybe i just haven't gotten to that stage?

Then you should have been born a woman. Or more accurately, you were born a girl, just with some physical anomalies that made them classify you as a boy. Not being suicidal is a GOOD thing. Please don't ever feel like not being self-destructive or suicidal makes you less valid in your identity, and never let anyone else make you feel that way either. Self-harm is gross and horrible and not something to hold up as any kind of standard.

Transition is about trying to improve your life. You have to decide if you believe it will.

Really appreciate the comments so far, I'm not familiar with the quoting system on these forums for multiple post so I'll just try and reply in this one to all thus far.

Beverly - Thanks, I don't really think dawning heels n skirts will make it feel better or worse.  Although it is an identity issue its more body than outward aesthetics to me, no matter how much that contradicts my previous comments .  Before I ever went to therapy i stayed crossdressed for a month or so with my girlfriend and it helped, I was comfortable.

Jeneva - I really liked the way you broke it down, I really do value others outlooks.  I'm sorry you had to go through with that, but to the later comment I'm in college but am living at home with very close minded parents so exploring at home isn't an option.

Finally, to Sarah, I agree self harm isn't a good idea and not feeling it isn't a bad thing just sometimes I Fear its as if I don't want it bad enough or something. ><

Anyways thanks guys

Quote from: Haven on January 15, 2012, 05:49:48 AM
Hey guys, I'm new to the site but thought I might ask for some opinions on this.  I'm not easily influenced so don't worry i'm not gonna do anything drastic just because I hear what people have to say I'm just curious since other than my therapist I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this kind of stuff.

So, I know I'm transgendered...there just really isn't any debating it at this point.  My problem lies in that there are so many outcomes and I'm struggling to choose.  Like some, mine originally started with my crossdressing, then having same feelings of wanting to be a girl without the crossdressing.  I can't remember any time in the last 6 years where I haven't pictured myself as the girl when masturbating/having sex.  ><.  I've always felt a little put off because most people seem to come to tears when they start hormones, or they hate their boy selfs so much that they abuse themselves or try and commit suicide... and i really feel like i should've been born a woman..but im not suicidal.. Maybe i just haven't gotten to that stage?

I've talked to my therapists and she told me everyones different and I get that, but I just really haven't seen anyone that sounds like me.

My options seem to be:

1.  Don't transition, never know if i would have been happier doing it.

2.  Don't transition, get horribly depressed end up doing it when im 50 ruining my marriage and turning my life upside down.  and move to live with aunt and uncle in bel'air( Sorry XD).  Also at this point hormones would be far less effective and

3.  Transition, Love it.  Be awesome.

4.  Transition, dislike it.  Stop, and then im sterile.

5.  Transition, ILL NEVER PASS.  Or other related problems, i know everyone feels this but it is a concern.

I could be more detailed in each I suppose but thats more or less, i can explain more if you anyone needs me to but just wanted to get this off my chest since I'm currently unable to sleep from pondering it.

Thanks,
:3

Haven, listen very carefully. My story mirrors yours. I'm 20 and my earliest childhood memory is cross-dressing and how amazing it felt. Then at puberty I began masterbating imagining myself as a woman  and continued cross dressing and did that for 8 years. At 18, I realized this was a big problem and tried to endure it and get rid of the thoughts using therapy. For 2 years, I tried suppression techniques, but nothing worked. Finally at 20, to find relief, I got on HRT. I've been on HRT for 2 weeks and I have finally found my peace.

I'm going to tell you now that the thoughts DO NOT go away or reduce in intensity. If anything, the voice gets louder over the years. I told myself I would never get married because I knew that at 50 eventually I would crack and have to transition and that would be totally unfair to my wife and kids. I'll echo the sentiment that if you think you can 'endure' these thoughts for the rest of your life without transitioning, then do that because it's the most simple answer. But if you're anything like me, the thoughts soon consume your life until you are forced to transition.

Quote from: Beverley on January 15, 2012, 12:35:56 PM
I was not aware that you had already attempted what I was suggesting. The idea was simply to see if you were comfortable in a female identity/role. There is no point in attempting to transition if you cannot live in your target gender. I agree that transition is not primarily about clothes, but if you do transition to female are you proposing NOT to wear female clothing?

You say you have also been to therapy. Have you discussed your five options with the therapist?

Beverley

I'm sorry i seem to be confusing everyone, I had tried to leave out most of the story so it wasn't the equivalent of grading my essay but i seem to have failed .  I'm not proposing not to wear female clothing, i would make the switch at some point in my transition i was merely pointing out that I had tried it.  I can't really wear them since i dont live with my gf anymore and it would be problematic at home i was just saying body comes first.  I was in a therapy for a bit but had to quit for various reasons and haven't been back in a year and am planning to go back shortly.  I've discussed with her all the pieces, its just everything i say and feel says i should do it and i will tell her that its just that i still have the giant feeling of "DONT DO IT" or something in my head that sends doubts.  I know i won't know if i dont at least try its just.. idk like i said looking for some advice  

I've been thinking over this a lot this past year and most of my feelings come and go but are always stronger.  Its gotten to the point where I can't date girls without thinking about it, which is problematic since I don't like men.  Just being around them makes me feel dysphoria about myself sometimes, itll be fun and everythings going great then suddenly i can't sleep because im thinking about it and get stressed out.

I just wanted to add that a desire to wear women's clothes is not a prerequisite for being a woman. I'd say the fundamental question you need to be able to answer for yourself is not "How do I want to look?" but "Am I a woman?" - there are billions of different ways to present as a woman, the important thing is to figure out whether you are one and then take it from there. How you want to look is very important too, regardless of whether you want to transition or not, naturally.

I write this as someone who has no desire to look feminine, but is definitely female. It's allowed. As is looking very feminine and not being female. It's all allowed . You just need to get to know yourself honestly.

Are you transitioning for identity or sexuality and don't say both.. say which one is stronger..

When I first transitioned in 2006, I wrote literally hundreds of essay-type texts trying to come to terms with my identity, but as I have mentioned in other posts - thinking your way through it will only get you so far, but it won't eliminate doubt, and there will always be confusion. The only way is to experiment and go out there and try new images and identities, and eventually your instinct will guide you the right way for you.

An easy method to go about this is to consider and perhaps even try anything you DON'T want (could you be a part time crossdresser? Androgyne? Genderqueer? Non-op Trans? - these were things I considered, but eliminated) - once you know what you don't want, normally what is left is right for you.

I appreciate the ideas, I've toiled with the idea of part time crossdresser and the line, but for me I guess its more about getting the physical changes and halting my masculine ones from going any further than just clothing so I had to rule that out.  As far as staying pre-op ( or pre srs?) is thats what you meant, thats not even on my to do list currently ill worry about that later. 

As far as how close I am to the "start of my journey" in my own mind its somewhat started.  My thought process will rarely even shift to the idea of me not doing it anymore, its more of a...not doing it now.. like im procrastinating lol.  I do agree that there are different types, such as Padma said earlier with the idea that she has no desire to look feminine.  As far off as I can remember i've been somewhat troubled by the fact that my face and body grow more and more masculine every day.  I'm pretty skinny and small framed for the most part so it was kind of just like an okay situation, it stops me from being able to work out cause it causes dysphoria and lack of motivation but i was skinny and small so somewhat "girly" so i've been okay with that.  However the face is another area entirely, while not the most manly looking guy ever, im also not really girly looking anymore like i was years back.

I definetly have a strong desire to look feminine, in body and face and clothing would merely accent that.  I'm not really dying to jump into skirts or anything, as unlike some of the people of this forum i fear im still desperately clasping on to my masculinity of some sort and it weirds me out a little.  Of course that could also just because i still look male, and I know it.  With that in mind I'm pretty sure just crossdressing is debunked.

I know i probably haven't made much sense thus far, but lets go down the rabbit hole a little further and ill explain what truly frightens me and its going to sound silly but bare with me.

It's not growing breasts, looking like a woman, dressing like one, acting like one or presenting myself as one its more so when i tell someone family or friend and they say " oh you want to be a woman? and wear dresses"  I couldn't explain to you why but for some reason it really weirds me out hearing it like that.  I remember my first session in therapy when i was explaining these things and she would bluntly say something like oh you feel your a woman I'd just clam up and start sweating profusely lol.   It works the same when I'm explaining how im transgendered and what that means, its like im trying to save face by beating around the bush with them and instead of saying i want to be a woman i word it in a way that makes it sound like an obligation or something which just confuses them even further. 

I use this especially when trying to talk to my mom who is very, very, very close minded on...well everything to make it sound like well its a disorder mom gotta do what I gotta do.  She still tends to recall those drag queens that come on maury or some other talk show that she watches and thinks i want to do that.  I've explained it various times but its like one big circle.


To everyone who has responded so far I appreciate your thoughts and feelings, I'll keep trying my best to articulate myself better I've never been able to do so when discussing this topic though, but I will try

Quote from: Haven on January 15, 2012, 05:49:44 PM
when i tell someone family or friend and they say " oh you want to be a woman? and wear dresses"  I couldn't explain to you why but for some reason it really weirds me out hearing it like that. 

I'm the same way Though, when I started transition I wasn't interested in clothing or did any crossdressing (well, I did once, just because I was curious how I would look...and like I expected, I looked like a guy in a dress )

For me, it isn't about "becoming a woman" ... I don't know what being a woman is. All I know is I am drawn to the feminine aspects.

Before I started I read the list of what hormones do... and everything I read looked like things I had always wanted (though, I never thought of myself as female...just male with a strong feminine side or that likes feminine aesthetics). Apparently "normal guys" don't look at those things and think "oh! I want that!".

Does this make me a girl? I really don't know... though, my logical mind says "nope". But, does the semantics really matter?

I want these things. I don't know why... and I really don't care why. For the rest of the world, explaining their desire for their personal state never seems to be important. Some people wish to have big muscles... some wish they were taller... some wish they weighed less... I simply wish I looked more female.