Doubts about whether I'll ever be satisfied

[EmilyElizabeth]

So I didn't really know what results to expect from HRT, but some of the videos on youtube made me hopeful that it would make me look just as I wanted to be... after 14 months, I still feel a slight bit of dysphoria due to the differences i see/perceive between cis-women and myself.  The worst of these is, as it probably is for all trans girls, the lack of the uterus and the shared experience that comes with that.  Not being able to relate to other women about periods/birth control/potential pregnancy makes me feel like I can't relate to other women on a deep enough level to satisfy myself.  Additionally, I feel so tall when I'm with my female friends (well, I'm 5'8", so maybe I just have short friends) and I feel like other parts of my body (shoulders, feet, hands, nose) are too big for me to ever feel like I have a female body.  Still having to shave my face contributes to this as well (I haven't found a laser/electrolysis person since I abandoned the one I was previously using when I went full-time).  Plus, I feel like my body isn't curved well enough (in certain clothes it looks perfect, but sometimes it just looks a little straight for my liking) and my boobs are not big enough nor shaped correctly, so I feel like I HAVE to wear a bra for the to look decent at all.

It's very possible that a lot of this is in my head because I have never had any problems passing and the one person that I didn't know before my transition that I've told was completely shocked when I told her I was trans.  My voice has also been praised by pretty much everyone (even though I sometimes doubt it), so I guess that, in general, I should be happy with what I've got, but I feel like I'm missing an entire chunk of my life that I will never be able to get back (the first 20 years of my life) and the lack of female socialization is beginning to really take its toll on me.  I didn't understand how to behave as a guy, because I wasn't made for that and now I feel like I don't know how to behave as a girl because I was never truly taught.  This makes it difficult to feel like I can truly relate to anyone because I don't really have a past, have not really developed hobbies and was basically a shell before I transitioned.  This makes talking to new people incredibly difficult because I have to be careful what I do and do not disclose, and I feel like it has made it difficult for me to maintain friendships, because I just generally don't "get" how to actually form meaningful connections that won't grow stale for the other end.  My random day-to-day connections with strangers are generally very positive and my initial conversations with people I'm newly acquainted with are generally very smooth, but I don't really know how to build on that. 

So basically... I guess I'm decently satisfied with my appearance and role in society in general, I just wish I could be less, I guess, awkward about social life?  That and I wish I had a uterus... but I'd like to work on the feasible things first.

So this was basically just a big spill of my emotions, but if anyone has a response/advice/whatever, I would love to hear it! 🙂

[justmeinoz]

First thing is; don't watch You Tube, or look in mirrors any more than you have to. 

That helps a lot actually, and when you do, just think  how much your shaving or doing your hair helps.  It is all in the way we look at things. Try and pick up on any positive changes and appreciate you are actually doing a fair bit of what GG's do at puberty, only you are old enough to understand and appreciate it.   Some women are feeling left out for  similar reasons yo yourself too, don't forget.
I was able to empathise with a woman I worked with when it looked like she would never be able to have children.  Realising that I felt that loss too was something that confirmed I was on the right path. 

Just because you were not brought up as a woman doesn't mean you have to consider the previous part of your life wasted.  Up until 8 or so you would probably have not noticed gender much, so those years can just be appreciated for themselves.  After that, maybe just regard it as discovering why we should all be feminists.  What's the use of hindsight if we don't put it to use.  I never really understood the role I was supposed to be fulfilling either, but knew that there were times when I didn't like the way those around me were behaving, or heading.

" No one is born a man or a woman, we have to grow into it.  Some of us are just late starters is all. " -someone whose name I have forgotten.

Karen.

[Assoluta]

You know, I used to feel the same things, but now I've realised I should be proud and make the most of who I am. I am just as much a woman as anyone else, just with different experiences, and these different experiences, including experiencing life socially, hormonally and physically as a male is something genetic women will never fully understand like we do. In fact to many, the male world is more alien to them than it is to us. One guy I knew was attracted to me and didn't know I was trans, but he said there was something different about me - before I might have taken this as a negative comment implying I wasn't "quite" female, but now I take it as a positive - I am different, more unique, and perhaps in certain respects, more interesting than a regular genetic female.

To give an example of how I manifest that - I love to sing. I remember thinking that when I transitioned, I would never be able to sing without sounding like a man, and I'd always try to sing in the highest voice possible to sound female. However, I became inspired by deep voiced singers such as Zarah Leander (video below) and have decided to make the most of my voice and to make it unique and androgynous. I don't sound quite female, and not quite typically male - before I would have perceived this as inadequate, now I'm proud of the fact I don't sound like the regular young female singers these days - in fact I get bored of hearing the same type of voice over and over again.

Here's Zarah Leander, a rare deep voiced contralto singer:

🔗 [Link: youtube.com/watch/]

And one of my songs - (Shameless plug, I know, but it gets the point across that we can express ourselves in a way more unique than other women - even if it means not quite looking or sounding as 'female' as we like, we can make the most of our uniqueness and still be secure in an identity as a woman)

🔗 [Link: youtube.com/watch/]

[Elsa.G]

honestly i feel just like you, i dont believe i will ever be satisfied because i want the impossible... which is to be a natural 100% genetic female.  I always get told that it's ok "there are women born without all the parts, women who cant bear children" but it's hard for me to focus on a small majority of people who have problems like these because i was brought up around the majority so to speak. Ive never met a intersexed person or a woman who cant bear children. I however have to learn to live with the fact that i will never have the full female experience because as much as i despise it i was born male. All i can do is cope with this fact and move on with my life and make it as comfortable as i possibly can 🙁

[Stephe]

So this was basically just a big spill of my emotions, but if anyone has a response/advice/whatever, I would love to hear it!

These are all self esteem issues.

It takes a while to socialize into your new gender. I read people saying mannerisms and learning to "act like a a woman" have nothing to do with passing, that learning this is "fake" etc. I do know they have everything to do with integrating socially. Girls are taught and learn how to be women. You can learn to fit in socially as a woman and from reading your post, you don't have those skills. You can't look like a woman yet act like a guy and be accepted by other women as a woman. They all expect you to know the rules, some of these I have learned the hard way!

You can NOT obsess about details and things that can't be changed. Self doubt will crush you. Do the best you can and assume it's enough, don't assume it's not.

The best compliment I ever got was "When I looked in your eyes, all I saw was a woman". That was true ONLY because I KNOW that I am a woman!

[VannaSiamese]

I feel te same way, and because of it I want to go back to being a boy. I am preparing to now... It feels good:)

[EmilyElizabeth]

I feel te same way, and because of it I want to go back to being a boy. I am preparing to now... It feels good:)

reading your topic, it seems like you have a very different experience to me.  I'm happier than I ever have been now, and more sociable, I just have some issues that need to be worked out.  Detransitioning would be a death sentence for me.  Last summer I was without access to my hormones for a week and it was DEVASTATING.  I don't ever want to go back to testosterone.

[VannaSiamese]

reading your topic, it seems like you have a very different experience to me.  I'm happier than I ever have been now, and more sociable, I just have some issues that need to be worked out.  Detransitioning would be a death sentence for me.  Last summer I was without access to my hormones for a week and it was DEVASTATING.  I don't ever want to go back to testosterone.

In my post I talked about my body anxiety issues and the feelings of the differences between me and naturally born females, much like you said.  In your post you didn't sound very happy, hence the lack of satisfaction... Sorry if I misunderstood. However, a lot of what you said is exactly how I feel... Although, over the years my feelings have evolved into more in depth issues.
In regards to the devastating feelings you had going back on testosterone, I suspect these devastating feelings were more in regaurds to your dysmorphia in how you view your body as female, and less in reguards to physical feelings. Although, when I got off testosterone I shook uncontrollably for almost 2 weeks, and was very sick to my stomach.

[Stephe]

reading your topic, it seems like you have a very different experience to me.  I'm happier than I ever have been now, and more sociable, I just have some issues that need to be worked out.

I agree from what you posted. It sounds a lot like my early days of transition and trying to integrate into society as a woman. It took me a while to get comfortable and find myself. There is more to transition than just looking like a woman once you get out in the real world. It just takes time.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Emily,
Hey, you are doing a great job. So much so, I think you answered your own question.

It's very possible that a lot of this is in my head because I have never had any problems passing and the one person that I didn't know before my transition that I've told was completely shocked when I told her I was trans.

I've always believed I was a girl from a very early age, but was forced to learn and act as a man, until recently when I decided to quit acting. Best decision EVER. During the intervening years, when ever possible I would observe the ways of women. How they interact with each other and society in general. Their mannerisms, movements, the whole 9 yards. I don't know everything, however I feel I know enough to reenter the world as a woman and hopefully survive until I can learn all the nuances Stephe eluded to.

Take all your positives and move forward in total confidence and self esteem, knowing that we won't know everything. Life is one long learning curve. It's only when we stop learning, that life becomes meaningless.

You can do it girl. Go for it.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Assoluta,

IS THAT YOU??!!

I became inspired by deep voiced singers such as Zarah Leander (video below) and have decided to make the most of my voice

And one of my songs - (Shameless plug, I know,

Lawdy-doo-dee girl. That is absolutely fantastic. Let me know when you cut a CD. I want one !!

But thank you very much for a very positive, uplifting post. Your openness has inspired me immensely. I'm even seriously re-evaluating some of my attributes I had put aside, thinking they would be inappropriate once transitioned. I'm immensely grateful for your insights.

And I'm serious about that CD. Thank you

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[justmeinoz]

Never being satisfied is part of the human condition I'm afraid.  No matter how hard we try we never can seem to quite make it.  I'd just accept it and regard your goals as targets to aim at rather than expectations to meet.

Karen.

[Tori]

I've always believed I was a girl from a very early age, but was forced to learn and act as a man, until recently when I decided to quit acting. Best decision EVER.

Wait.

What?

Quit acting?!?



You MEAN, you quit acting like your male self... no?

And start acting as your true self... no?



Acting is not to blame.

Don't be actorphobic.

[Catherine Sarah]

Dear Tori, dear Tori, dear Tori, (very tongue-in-cheek)

Yes !!!! Regrettably I must hang up my thespian slippers. I've worn too many holes in them. They no longer fit. And unfortunately I have become; actorphobic. .....  No longer able to keep up the false pretense. Not that an actor has a false pretense. It's just the role I was cast in as man, father, husband, nobody auditioned that day. I was cleaning the orchestra pit at the time. ... Typical, wrong place wrong time.

The curtin has fallen for the last time. The last of the encores have played out. The footlights have dimmed and vision has faded to black. The audience has left. It's a wrap; strike; and time to bump out. I can't take it any more.

From here on in, you'll have to put up with the real me. god knows what unimaginable joy that will bring. I can't wait. Catherine has been in the wings ... far tooooooo long.  .........  Stand aside ...... there's a Lady on stage: who is becoming a woman in real life. ......  The hard way.

Thanks for you your 'up lifting' post. Your timing couldn't have been better; as I mused over a Sister of ours who is just about to be awarded her Oscar for an outstanding real life performance, warts and all.

You are right, though. Acting is not to blame. It's all about, accepting failure as a success, and taking THAT forward.

Keep up the mighty work you are doing. You're doing it sooooo well.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Catherine Sarah]

I however have to learn to live with the fact that i will never have the full female experience

Hi Elsa,

Having said what you've said, and taking into consideration your age, don't dispair entirely. In 2006 an Italian doctor, experimenting in stem cell tissue growth did make substantial inroads into creating a complete female reproductive system, from a donor patient.
This has profound implications with respects to over coming tissue/organ rejection. When I find the link, I'll post it. Might even been here I saw it. I haven't heard any update since 2006, however the outcome was looking quite positive for a total revamp of GCS procedures for the future; with the prospects of us being able to not only be pregnant, but to deliver as well with almost similar success as genetic females.

If you live in hope. sometimes it just damn well happens.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

P.S. Not quite the link I spoke of, but more recent development
http://ts-si.org/one-fine-day/4489-male-to-female-post-op-pregnant-stem-cells-used-to-clone-uterus 🔗

[EmilyElizabeth]

That's an amazing and inspirational link!  Weird to think that the woman who's done that seems to live within a couple miles of me.  That's certainly something to give us hope for the future!

[eli77]

P.S. Not quite the link I spoke of, but more recent development
http://ts-si.org/one-fine-day/4489-male-to-female-post-op-pregnant-stem-cells-used-to-clone-uterus 🔗

That's an amazing and inspirational link!  Weird to think that the woman who's done that seems to live within a couple miles of me.  That's certainly something to give us hope for the future!

Sorry, but that story is an April Fool's joke.

[EmilyElizabeth]

Seriously? Why would someone make a joke like that

[Catherine Sarah]

Sorry, but that story is an April Fool's joke.

Well, if that's the case, I profoundly apologise. It wasn't my intent to mislead. I'm still trying to remember where I read a similar article about the Italian research.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa hugs
Catherine 

[Naturally Blonde]

I'm almost 14 years down HRT the road and I still get facial hair (after a lot of laser) and I'm still not happy with my body shape. I doubt I will ever be satisfied and I am disappointed in what I can and can't achieve on HRT and my own physical limitations and lack of physical changes after so long on HRT. I get upset, I cry, and get into a state of panic but still try and keep moving forward. Transition is far more costly than I imagined and when I started out I didn't realise that you would need so many types of surgery in order to achieve the physical shape and appearance of a  cis female.

I am also angry about the testaments by medics in journals and documents of what a person on HRT can achieve physically, which on the whole it's total bull and should seriously be revised.