Am I gay guy or trans? :( Please Help I'm depressed and confused!

[Confusedguy55]

Hi! So... I'm 19 and i used to think that I was a gay male since i discovered that i like men at 12. However after reading some trangendered forums I started questioning myself.
Since I was a child I always played with girls because I felt like I can relate to them more... This havent really changed as most of my friends are still girls. As I child I remember I always wanted to have a barbie doll and never was interested in typically boy-ish games. When I was about 12-16 I didnt really think much of my self identity and I think I was happy as a boy... However my mom told me that when i was 3 i used to wear dresses etc and when I was about 4 i said to my mom: "Mom, God made a mistake I was supposed to be a girl" which makes me so scared. but thats not all.

Few years ago I started pretending a girl on the internet, sending some face pics (I know thats bad) and flirt with men, I loved the attention and the way they spoke to me, in a sweet way. Few months ago I decided to end this because it was unfair and wouldn't get my anywhere anyway. I then created gay accounts with my real pics etc... But i just feel like its not the same... Straight men were nicer and I liked their personalities more 
The most worrying things for me is the fact that I used to daydream about becoming a girl, I used to dream that one day I would wake up looking like a perfect girl, with nice body, beautiful long hair and tons of nice clothes to choose from. I always wanted to have blonde long hair like Britney Spears hehe I also had dreams that I had a husband and I was the wife in the relationship, I was imagining myself being pregnant, having babies with that man and living a happy life. I think my desire to be a girl is centred around men most of the times but not always, I think it would also be nicer to be a girl because I could act feminine and no one would thnk it's weird or gross (like when gay guy does it) and then I could be free and attractive to men.
I also used to plan my future as I man and while I imagine myself at work I imagine myself as a man, I could also imagine myself in a gay relationship but it would be different. Gay relationships look less appealing to me because I wouldnt be 100% free to hold hands etc and also gay men are not very caring from what I've noticed and I have a very passive personality.

At the same time when I look in the mirror I dont mind my genitalia AT ALL... Actually I find it hard to imagine going through surgery and not to have a penis, it would feel weird! I dont really have a desire to have brests, I'm a bit overweight and have some "men boobies" and I actually hate them and wish I was flat and skinny. When someome tells me that I look manly i dont like it thatmuch, because I dont feel like I am... Id rather be called sweet and beautiful by man.
However I dont think I would want to be a lesbian girl... because I cant imagine myself kissing a girl and being with one hehe And all this things make me extremely confused and depressed I cant think of anything else, I dont know if im just gay (but then why did i dream of being a girl and wishing i could have long pretty hair) or  am i trans? (but then i think, i dont midn my body parts so whats the problem)...
Can you see what im going through? Im so sad dont know what I am!  may i add: When i think about the future I dont really care to be an old woman, I could just as well be an old man because for over 50's I dont think gender really matters that much
Plaese help me, I even had suicide thoughts because I cant stand this anymore

[JenJen2011]

Up until 19, I thought I was a gay boy as well. I did some researching and soul searching and came to the conclusion that I'm trans.

It's a question that only you will be able to answer. Good luck.

[Bishounen]

So you are a Femboy, in other words; A feminine Soul that is happy with the boy-body it is dwelving in.
Nothing strange with that. The reason that you have dreamt about being the perfect girl with the perfect girl body, I would assume is because you want to be respected socially as the feminine being you are, and, to feel attractive to the group that you are attracted to; straight males.

And, it is not very strange that gay relationships are not appealing to you, as a gay guy would naturally not appreciate the femininty in you. In other words, a gay guy would not appreciate you the way you are. After all, a gay male is gay because he likes masculinity.
A straight guy, however, appreciates femininity, and many straight guys also appreciate that feminity despite the male body, if they truly like you.


Oh and to answer your question about "what" you are; You are definitely not to be considered as being a gay guy, as you do not identify as a "ordinary" male. This means that you are to be counted as Gendervarianted, or to be more exact; Transgendered, even if you would never ever modify your body.

[Sad Girl]

For sure you're not Gay cos you wanna be female somewhere in yourself and attracted to straight men only(This was my main identifying factor that I'm a straight TRANS cos I like STRICTLY like only straight men, neither gay, bi nor ->-bleeped-<--->-bleeped-<-) but the not-wanting to have SRS nor boobs makes it more difficult to know.

You're currently perhaps a NON-OP TRANSSEXUAL I think who is a girl in her head but doesn't wanna operate. (Someone needs to confirm this though, am not sure, I need to ask this question). Maybe an Androgyne too cos you're dual and as you don't wanna be officially a girl, maybe you should try CROSS DRESSING/TRAVESTISM which might fit your character. This is what I think, just my 2 cents.

[Confusedguy55]

For sure you're not Gay cos you wanna be female somewhere in yourself and attracted to straight men only(This was my main identifying factor that I'm a straight TRANS cos I like STRICTLY like only straight men, neither gay, bi nor ->-bleeped-<--->-bleeped-<-) but the not-wanting to have SRS nor boobs makes it more difficult to know.

You're currently perhaps a NON-OP TRANSSEXUAL I think who is a girl in her head but doesn't wanna operate. (Someone needs to confirm this though, am not sure, I need to ask this question). Maybe an Androgyne too cos you're dual and as you don't wanna be officially a girl, maybe you should try CROSS DRESSING/TRAVESTISM which might fit your character. This is what I think, just my 2 cents.

well i dont know... because I DO NOT mind being a boy and like my male parts and i dont wish to change my name to female and i dont think i would like to be referred to as a woman... Im confused... Today after thinking about it I think I can just stay a gay boy who like more feminine things, and I would never want to lose my penis Also i am not ONLY attracted to straight guys because I am attracted to gay men also.

[Kelly J. P.]

 If you don't want to be referred to as female, or have a female name, and the like, then you will want to put serious thought into moving forward - a therapist might help, but try to think about how you would live the rest of your life as a woman that doesn't want to be seen as a woman.

There is nothing wrong with being extremely feminine. Do whatever makes you happy - nothing is a package.

[Confusedguy55]

If you don't want to be referred to as female, or have a female name, and the like, then you will want to put serious thought into moving forward - a therapist might help, but try to think about how you would live the rest of your life as a woman that doesn't want to be seen as a woman.

There is nothing wrong with being extremely feminine. Do whatever makes you happy - nothing is a package.

hmm i guess i need a therapist well i dont know if i actually want to live as a woman, i feel alright being a boy too... hopefully therapist would help but how do i find one?

[rachl]

If you have health coverage, start by figuring out what's covered. Other than that, yellow pages. Or get in touch with a local LGBT society; they'll have good resources.

[Tazia of the Omineca]

I used to be like "I may as well just be gay:
I realized that wanting to be a girl wasn't just something I wanted to be when I was 5.
I decided to transition. I can offer any advice, but it is your question like Jen said.

[kelly_aus]

So you are a Femboy, in other words; A feminine Soul that is happy with the boy-body it is dwelving in.
Nothing strange with that. The reason that you have dreamt about being the perfect girl with the perfect girl body, I would assume is because you want to be respected socially as the feminine being you are, and, to feel attractive to the group that you are attracted to; straight males.

And, it is not very strange that gay relationships are not appealing to you, as a gay guy would naturally not appreciate the femininty in you. In other words, a gay guy would not appreciate you the way you are. After all, a gay male is gay because he likes masculinity.
A straight guy, however, appreciates femininity, and many straight guys also appreciate that feminity despite the male body, if they truly like you.


Oh and to answer your question about "what" you are; You are definitely not to be considered as being a gay guy, as you do not identify as a "ordinary" male. This means that you are to be counted as Gendervarianted, or to be more exact; Transgendered, even if you would never ever modify your body.

This is not entirely true.. I never had any issues attracting a gay guy, even as a quite fem gay guy myself...

[ByeBye]

I think you might be trans. I want to be a beautiful girl one day. I believe it will happen.

I don't believe you're gay because gay males are male and enjoy being male.

I present as a girl online too.

Also I don't believe God made a mistake, but rather made me this way on purpose. The same with you.

Peace to you and may your Day of Love (February 14th) be special,

~~**Alyssa**~~

[Confusedguy55]

hmm I am still confused... I think the best thing for me is to see what futre will bring. I never had sex or boyfriend and maybe I need to get one to see if I like it and I am ok to stay a gay male or not.
However this entire thing scares me a lot and as I said i accept my male parts so I dont see a point to transition but leave my penis which i like.
Also it would be sad for em to say goodbye to Patrick that i am... to the male part of me that i am :/ I also like when people describe me as "he"

[Seras]

Sounds like you are quite conflicted. But I would not pay too much attention to what you said as a 4 year old, little kids say the dumbest things

More recent day dreams are more relevant than the thoughts of a 4 year old, but those dreams do not correlate at all with what you say, being totally happy with your body apart from being a little fat. So sounds like they are just random dreams.

Fact is it sounds like you got points on both sides of this, no one has said it better than the first reply to this thread, and I know it is not what you wanna hear, but only you can figure this out.

---

However I can tell you a lot of the things you say you like or have no problem with, I dislike a hell of a lot.

[aisha_1989]

I know that this phase is really difficult. But I think you should try not to get depressed. Think about all other people who are in the same position as you but are helpless in the moment. If you do not gather some strength, how will you set an example to others.

Coming to your feelings, I think you'ld be a trans. It's not necessary that you have to feel disgusted with your genitals. Frankly if you are a trans and have feelings for guys then you would actually not feel disgusted by looking at them. Probably you look yourself in the mirror and are fine with it because you see a man and that's it. Probably you haven't associated that man in the mirror as your own self.

Just think what do you feel when you fantasize? Do you imagine yourself as a woman having female organs? If yes, you most probably are a trans.

Give a thought about it but don't stress too much on it. Hope you find you way!

All the best!

[Bishounen]

hmm I am still confused... I think the best thing for me is to see what futre will bring. I never had sex or boyfriend and maybe I need to get one to see if I like it and I am ok to stay a gay male or not.
However this entire thing scares me a lot and as I said i accept my male parts so I dont see a point to transition but leave my penis which i like.
Also it would be sad for em to say goodbye to Patrick that i am... to the male part of me that i am :/ I also like when people describe me as "he"

Again, you are a Femboy. You are happy as a male and happy being identified as one and even like when people say "He" about you, and have neither any wish to alter your physiology, but nonetheless have a clearly feminine Brain and Soul. I guess you can think of yourself as a girl that happened to get put in a boy-body and found that she liked it.

Don't think about it, because there is nothing to think about as you are completly fine.
The reason you ask for advice, is because you need to know that you are not unique, and I can tell you that you are definitely not.
I know a guy that are like you in his identity and he is a wonderful boy that is happy being one, but yet have a strongly feminine essence and beauty that constantly allures straight guy after straight guy.
The gay guys don't like him very much, though, but that is fine for him, as he doesn't like them very much, either.

[dejan160]

Let me put my 2 cents. I believe that many gay men have a transitory Gender Identity Disorder which subsides over time. It is usually very intense in the early childhood and subsides over time. Maybe that is the case with you. If the feeling of being a woman in the man's body persists and doesn't subside than you are transsexual. It is very important not to self diagnose yourself and to see a professional therapist who is skilled in dealing with those issues. Obviously you are having serious problems with yourself, you are suffering from anxiety and depression (suicidal thoughts). I definitely think that you should not search for the answers within yourself and on those forums but you should see a therapist who will take a good care of you. And there are so many feminine gay guys who don't feel like 100% men but they are not transsexuals.

[spacial]

If you don't mind, I think you're got the wrong end of the stick here.

It isn't about looking for clues to find your true destiny. It isn't that simple at all.

You are transgender if you say you are. Just as, you are gay if you say you are.

I don't mean to undermine your thoughts or those of others, but you decide how you want to express who you are.

There is, to my mind, only one really important proviso. That you do everything you can to overcome obstacles to being happy and content. If you feel you are gay for example, and live with people who are hostile toward gay, then try to find somewhere else to live. If you are stuck in an earlier decision, then try to resolve it without harming others. If you are transgender then try to identify the large number of mountains of problems you are going to face and deal with each, one at a time.

But never sell yourself short. Never settle for second best or what you think you should do.  Always aim for the best.

[Confusedguy55]

I know that this phase is really difficult. But I think you should try not to get depressed. Think about all other people who are in the same position as you but are helpless in the moment. If you do not gather some strength, how will you set an example to others.

Coming to your feelings, I think you'ld be a trans. It's not necessary that you have to feel disgusted with your genitals. Frankly if you are a trans and have feelings for guys then you would actually not feel disgusted by looking at them. Probably you look yourself in the mirror and are fine with it because you see a man and that's it. Probably you haven't associated that man in the mirror as your own self.

Just think what do you feel when you fantasize? Do you imagine yourself as a woman having female organs? If yes, you most probably are a trans.

Give a thought about it but don't stress too much on it. Hope you find you way!

All the best!

hmm no.. i dont imaginy myself with vagina never.... it acutally looks a bit repulsive to me i cant imagine having one. i never dreamed of having breasts either. actually when i look in the mirror (as i said im overweight) i hate the fact that my boobs are bigger and i want them to be flat, like other boys.

[Miki]

Ok..so, to summarize:  You don't want breasts, find vaginas repulsive, like your male bits, prefer being referred to as "he", are attracted to straight and gay men, "don't see a point" in transitioning, are bummed at your weight because you have a hint of breasts...

Did I miss anything?

You've pretty much answered your own question as to what you are not.  As to what you are, I'd suggest that Internet forums are not the bastion of rational, objective data to base any decisions on or draw any conclusions from.

In any other context, I might even suspect you were trolling given the blatantly dismissive posture you're taking with things that 99% of the community here are striving for.  It is not hard to take everything online with a grain of salt, without rubbing it in anyone else's wounds.

Talk to someone professionally to figure it out, or not.  Guessing and second-guessing based on what the internet tells you is just wheel-spinning.

-Miki

[sysm29]

Well ask yourself this question:

If you could wake up tomorrow as a boy or a girl, what would it be?

If the answer is boy then why don't you just wear girls clothes, wigs, and makeup and see how you like it.

If the answer is girl, then it has nothing to do with clothes or makeup or anything, you're already a girl most likely inside... you will of course want to match the outside with what's on the inside, but you are who you are.

If the answer is both, then I would recommend dressing up like a girl and seeing what you think of it... do you like it?  Have you ever tried it?